Slash fic: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (6/?)
Title: Captain Obvious and the Art of Intimidation (6/?)
Author: cupidsbow
Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Rating: R (there's more villainous smut within)
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 1,200 words
For: special_trille
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people-it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which a sonnet is inflicted upon the public in the name of plot development.
Notes: You can find the previous episodes here: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5.
*********************
SCENE 7
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY. NIGHT.
Captain Obvious kneels next to PROFESSOR BOYENS, a middle-aged woman wearing an outfit that could be described as academic chic, who is thoroughly tied up with gaffer tape.
Liv is taking photographs of the scene.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
This is going to hurt like a sonofabitch, but we'll have you out of here in just a jiffy.
The Professor winces as Captain Obvious removes the gaffer tape from her mouth.
BOYENS
Thank you, Captain Obvious. I can see you're everything your reputation led me to expect.
Captain Obvious offers an uncertain smile, and starts removing the tape from the Professor's hands.
BOYENS
(looking at Liv)
You've even bought your own personal publicity machine with you. How convenient. I suppose I shall be a "terrified victim of rampant crime" just in time for the late news.
LIV
(sotto voce)
I told you to do her mouth last.
Captain Obvious casts a reproving look at Liv, and starts to remove the gaffer tape from around the Professor's legs.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Who did this to you, Professor?
BOYENS
The worst kind of parasitic scum.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Not...
CUE swelling musical theme of evil: da dum da dum da DUM DUM DAAAA.
CUT TO a close up.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
... the Tick of Dooooom! I hate the ones in animal costumes!
BOYENS
Actually, I was speaking metaphorically. I meant a thief of ideas, a base mimic without original talent, a cheap rip-off merchant. In short...
CUE swelling musical theme of evil: da dum da dum da DUM DUM DAAAA.
CUT TO an even closer close up.
BOYENS
... a plagiarist.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
You mean the villain was wearing someone else's costume? That's utterly evil! Why, if we all started wearing copies of other people's costumes no one would be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys. It would be chaos.
CUT TO a close up so close all we see are Captain Obvious's eyes and nostrils.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (cont.)
Think about it. Really think about it!
CUT TO a build shot that makes Captain Obvious look particularly tall, manly and heroic.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (cont.)
The whole super-hero system would collapse! We'd have a world without vigilante justice. A world without epic battles for truth and decency. A world without the grand public spectacle of massive daily destruction of streets, vehicles, buildings and utilities. The very idea is inconceivable. Such a travesty can't be allowed to go unpunished!
Liv and the Professor both roll their eyes.
LIV
The Professor meant literary plagiarism, O.B.
Liv points to the graffiti on the wall above the Professor.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Oh. A manifesto of evil. Why didn't you say so?
We zoom in on the first line of the graffiti, which is clearly part of a SONNET.
VILLAINOUS EGO (V.O.)
You had the one thing I always yearned for:
Words welling from a lush and fecund Muse.
CUT TO Professor Boyens, who looks disgusted, Liv, who looks intrigued, and Captain Obvious, who looks boggled.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Can a Muse be lush and fecund? It makes her sound like something you'd grow in the garden next to the carrots.
LIV
Shhhh. You're interrupting the exposition.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
(muttering)
Well excuse me! Can't I even ask a simple rhetorical question?
We return to a CLOSE UP of the graffiti.
VILLAINOUS EGO (V.O.)
And nothing I did, neither practice nor
Mimicry, nor fervent prayer, were of use
In gaining me my heart's bitter desire.
SCENE 8
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR OF EVIL. NIGHT.
The masked face of the Villainous Ego looms out of the shadows at a bizarre angle as he laughs maniacally. Then he recites the rest of the poem with scenery-chewing panache.
VILLAINOUS EGO
Oh! To write words that serve as oxygen:
Essential to life; fuelling culture's fire;
But all that would come from my cliched pen
Were crimes against art. So out of my rage
I've found a way to ease ambition's ache.
With your stolen talent I'll fill a page
So beautifully that my words will make
Breath catch in your chest, as if a keen knife
Is stealing the warm heart's blood of your life.
CUE swelling musical theme of evil: da dum da dum da DUM DUM DAAAA.
We pull back to slowly reveal that the Ego is hanging upside down, strapped to a piece of weightlifting equipment. He's naked except for the mask, and he's holding the TV remote at just the right angle to obscure our view of his groin.
He's staring fixedly at the TVs, now all showing the scene in the abandoned factory.
Sean is standing nearby, arms crossed, wearing only a black g-string, and obviously impatient with this delay.
SEAN
You didn't actually fill a page with beautiful words though, did you? More like a wall.
The Ego ups the volume on the TVs.
VILLAINOUS EGO
Shhh. I want to hear my reviews.
SEAN
(impressed)
Oh Master, it's so hot when you suffer for your art!
SCENE 9
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY. NIGHT.
The three of them are still staring at the graffiti, at the bottom of which is signed: "V. Ego."
In the distance we hear a dog howl.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Um... I've never seen a manifesto of evil that rhymed before.
BOYENS
The Riddler. Did it first. Did it better. I told you, this wannabe is nothing but a plagiarist.
LIV
The Riddler! Now there's a classic pseudonym. It's a name that means something. But what kind of evil pseudonym is "Vee-go"?
BOYENS
(nodding)
It has no cachet.
LIV
And the poem isn't very accurate, either. I mean, this "Vee-go" doesn't fill a page with words, does he? Just a wall.
BOYENS
Not to mention that it's a poem completely lacking in sinister sub-text. It doesn't even mention the diabolical machine that sucked the vital creative essences out of my body. Or the suggestively erotic transfer of my talent into the mind of this amateur villain, in a half-baked attempt to transform him into a poet. And it completely ignores the evil consequence of the process, which has left me a numb, hyper-critical shell, who lives to critique texts with an ironic post-modern filter that ill-conceals my newfound jealous hatred of all artistic endeavours.
Liv and Captain Obvious eye the Professor warily.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
(sotto voce)
Okay, so you were right. I should have untaped her mouth last.
SCENE 10
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR OF EVIL. NIGHT.
The Ego is still hanging upside down. Sean is standing in front of him, and the Ego's cock is level with his mouth.
SEAN
What do they know, anyhow? None of them would recognise art if it poked them in the ass.
Sean illustrates his point by reaching around and sticking a lubed finger in the Ego's bottom.
SEAN
They didn't even mention the rhyme scheme. Not even the bit where you rhymed oxygen and pen! You can't take their opinions seriously when they didn't even mention the rhyme scheme, Master.
Sean leans forward and pauses with his mouth a lick away from the Ego's cock.
SEAN
I liked it. That's gotta count for something, right?
Without waiting for an answer, Sean engulfs the Ego's cock in one long, tight, slick move.
CUT TO a close up of the remote control in the Ego's hand. Slowly, but with great precision, his thumb presses the “Off” button. One-by-one the TVs flicker out, until they are all dark.
The Ego continues to grip on the remote. As we watch, the joints of his fingers are going white with strain.
With a sudden crack, the plastic shatters, and several shards push into the Ego's skin.
SEAN
Mwha wa thaa, Madther?
Bright red blood begins to run down the Ego’s fingers as he finally drops the remote. He wraps his bloody hand in Sean’s hair, urging him on.
Sean resumes his enthusiastic sucking.
But even as the Ego thrusts his hips, even as his zippered mouth opens wide in ecstacy, even as the blood on his fingers trickles down his wrist to his elbow, he makes no sound.
No sound at all.
* * *
Author: cupidsbow
Pairing: EW/OB, LotR RPS
Rating: R (there's more villainous smut within)
Warning: This is a work in progress! Also, crack!fic.
Length: 1,200 words
For: special_trille
Disclaimer: I don’t know any of these people-it’s just a lucid fever-dream.
Summary: In which a sonnet is inflicted upon the public in the name of plot development.
Notes: You can find the previous episodes here: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5.
*********************
SCENE 7
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY. NIGHT.
Captain Obvious kneels next to PROFESSOR BOYENS, a middle-aged woman wearing an outfit that could be described as academic chic, who is thoroughly tied up with gaffer tape.
Liv is taking photographs of the scene.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
This is going to hurt like a sonofabitch, but we'll have you out of here in just a jiffy.
The Professor winces as Captain Obvious removes the gaffer tape from her mouth.
BOYENS
Thank you, Captain Obvious. I can see you're everything your reputation led me to expect.
Captain Obvious offers an uncertain smile, and starts removing the tape from the Professor's hands.
BOYENS
(looking at Liv)
You've even bought your own personal publicity machine with you. How convenient. I suppose I shall be a "terrified victim of rampant crime" just in time for the late news.
LIV
(sotto voce)
I told you to do her mouth last.
Captain Obvious casts a reproving look at Liv, and starts to remove the gaffer tape from around the Professor's legs.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Who did this to you, Professor?
BOYENS
The worst kind of parasitic scum.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Not...
CUE swelling musical theme of evil: da dum da dum da DUM DUM DAAAA.
CUT TO a close up.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
... the Tick of Dooooom! I hate the ones in animal costumes!
BOYENS
Actually, I was speaking metaphorically. I meant a thief of ideas, a base mimic without original talent, a cheap rip-off merchant. In short...
CUE swelling musical theme of evil: da dum da dum da DUM DUM DAAAA.
CUT TO an even closer close up.
BOYENS
... a plagiarist.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
You mean the villain was wearing someone else's costume? That's utterly evil! Why, if we all started wearing copies of other people's costumes no one would be able to tell the good guys from the bad guys. It would be chaos.
CUT TO a close up so close all we see are Captain Obvious's eyes and nostrils.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (cont.)
Think about it. Really think about it!
CUT TO a build shot that makes Captain Obvious look particularly tall, manly and heroic.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS (cont.)
The whole super-hero system would collapse! We'd have a world without vigilante justice. A world without epic battles for truth and decency. A world without the grand public spectacle of massive daily destruction of streets, vehicles, buildings and utilities. The very idea is inconceivable. Such a travesty can't be allowed to go unpunished!
Liv and the Professor both roll their eyes.
LIV
The Professor meant literary plagiarism, O.B.
Liv points to the graffiti on the wall above the Professor.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Oh. A manifesto of evil. Why didn't you say so?
We zoom in on the first line of the graffiti, which is clearly part of a SONNET.
VILLAINOUS EGO (V.O.)
You had the one thing I always yearned for:
Words welling from a lush and fecund Muse.
CUT TO Professor Boyens, who looks disgusted, Liv, who looks intrigued, and Captain Obvious, who looks boggled.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Can a Muse be lush and fecund? It makes her sound like something you'd grow in the garden next to the carrots.
LIV
Shhhh. You're interrupting the exposition.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
(muttering)
Well excuse me! Can't I even ask a simple rhetorical question?
We return to a CLOSE UP of the graffiti.
VILLAINOUS EGO (V.O.)
And nothing I did, neither practice nor
Mimicry, nor fervent prayer, were of use
In gaining me my heart's bitter desire.
SCENE 8
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR OF EVIL. NIGHT.
The masked face of the Villainous Ego looms out of the shadows at a bizarre angle as he laughs maniacally. Then he recites the rest of the poem with scenery-chewing panache.
VILLAINOUS EGO
Oh! To write words that serve as oxygen:
Essential to life; fuelling culture's fire;
But all that would come from my cliched pen
Were crimes against art. So out of my rage
I've found a way to ease ambition's ache.
With your stolen talent I'll fill a page
So beautifully that my words will make
Breath catch in your chest, as if a keen knife
Is stealing the warm heart's blood of your life.
CUE swelling musical theme of evil: da dum da dum da DUM DUM DAAAA.
We pull back to slowly reveal that the Ego is hanging upside down, strapped to a piece of weightlifting equipment. He's naked except for the mask, and he's holding the TV remote at just the right angle to obscure our view of his groin.
He's staring fixedly at the TVs, now all showing the scene in the abandoned factory.
Sean is standing nearby, arms crossed, wearing only a black g-string, and obviously impatient with this delay.
SEAN
You didn't actually fill a page with beautiful words though, did you? More like a wall.
The Ego ups the volume on the TVs.
VILLAINOUS EGO
Shhh. I want to hear my reviews.
SEAN
(impressed)
Oh Master, it's so hot when you suffer for your art!
SCENE 9
INT. ABANDONED FACTORY. NIGHT.
The three of them are still staring at the graffiti, at the bottom of which is signed: "V. Ego."
In the distance we hear a dog howl.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
Um... I've never seen a manifesto of evil that rhymed before.
BOYENS
The Riddler. Did it first. Did it better. I told you, this wannabe is nothing but a plagiarist.
LIV
The Riddler! Now there's a classic pseudonym. It's a name that means something. But what kind of evil pseudonym is "Vee-go"?
BOYENS
(nodding)
It has no cachet.
LIV
And the poem isn't very accurate, either. I mean, this "Vee-go" doesn't fill a page with words, does he? Just a wall.
BOYENS
Not to mention that it's a poem completely lacking in sinister sub-text. It doesn't even mention the diabolical machine that sucked the vital creative essences out of my body. Or the suggestively erotic transfer of my talent into the mind of this amateur villain, in a half-baked attempt to transform him into a poet. And it completely ignores the evil consequence of the process, which has left me a numb, hyper-critical shell, who lives to critique texts with an ironic post-modern filter that ill-conceals my newfound jealous hatred of all artistic endeavours.
Liv and Captain Obvious eye the Professor warily.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS
(sotto voce)
Okay, so you were right. I should have untaped her mouth last.
SCENE 10
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR OF EVIL. NIGHT.
The Ego is still hanging upside down. Sean is standing in front of him, and the Ego's cock is level with his mouth.
SEAN
What do they know, anyhow? None of them would recognise art if it poked them in the ass.
Sean illustrates his point by reaching around and sticking a lubed finger in the Ego's bottom.
SEAN
They didn't even mention the rhyme scheme. Not even the bit where you rhymed oxygen and pen! You can't take their opinions seriously when they didn't even mention the rhyme scheme, Master.
Sean leans forward and pauses with his mouth a lick away from the Ego's cock.
SEAN
I liked it. That's gotta count for something, right?
Without waiting for an answer, Sean engulfs the Ego's cock in one long, tight, slick move.
CUT TO a close up of the remote control in the Ego's hand. Slowly, but with great precision, his thumb presses the “Off” button. One-by-one the TVs flicker out, until they are all dark.
The Ego continues to grip on the remote. As we watch, the joints of his fingers are going white with strain.
With a sudden crack, the plastic shatters, and several shards push into the Ego's skin.
SEAN
Mwha wa thaa, Madther?
Bright red blood begins to run down the Ego’s fingers as he finally drops the remote. He wraps his bloody hand in Sean’s hair, urging him on.
Sean resumes his enthusiastic sucking.
But even as the Ego thrusts his hips, even as his zippered mouth opens wide in ecstacy, even as the blood on his fingers trickles down his wrist to his elbow, he makes no sound.
No sound at all.
* * *