failure to see a point
everyday has been a struggle. my mind is a dark place. i still drag myself out, but i'm not that approachable. my face feels frozen in somber place, but people still manage to approach me.
last night, i was told "well, you had to know it wasn't going to last. he's married!"
and no, i didn't know it wasn't going to last. i didn't think about it. i assume the best, that everything is manageable when i start dating someone, and especially if i'm in love with someone. i'm bothered that their separation is still largely a secret, and everyone just viewed me as this thing, this person he was fucking, this play toy. and maybe that's all i was, maybe it turns out they were right.
it doesn't sit well with me because i love him. i have feelings. i am a person, and i am infinitely more complex than what they think. that whole scene sucks. everyone in it seems to think i am a certain way because i look a part, i guess. and when they actually have a conversation with me, they are surprised that there is more to me than that. suddenly, i know how to blend in with the pretty people and it's become an irritating curse. because i am intelligent, because i have empathy, because i have developed opinions independent of peer or media influence - because of all these things, sudden attractiveness has become a curse. i feel insulted when people treat me like a stupid girl, assuming that i must have been attractive all my life and hence been given special treatment because of it, so they feel a need to 'neg' me, because i've never suffered.
i am given treatment because they want to include me in their roster of attractive people at their parties or shows, and i accept because i can't afford to go otherwise and anyway, it's something to do... most times, they are not things i would want to pay money for anyway.
pattern: meet dude. turns out we some overlapping circles, usually amongst the goth scene. there's something off, and there are certain places i can't be seen with him at. if i make or give him a gift, he is reluctant to take it, for fear of an ex(?) seeing it, asking questions, getting feelings hurt. dude has repressed sexual urges that i somehow satisfy, and it becomes the main activity we engage in. nothing else changes, i'm still hidden from this strong force in his life. the relationship never gets past that point. eventually, if he has a heart at all, dude feels bad that i am not getting the fulfillment i deserve. we stop seeing each other. dude still strings along his ex, and either never tells her about me or else tells her after we've stopped being lovers.
this has happened three times now (third time is the charm, that i learn my lesson and stop seeing unavailable men?). in one instance, he purposely hid this information from me. in the last instance, he didn't tell me about how soon it was since they'd split up or about all the others he was seeing and... there was a lot he didn't tell me, because he didn't think it was necessary for me to know. but that's a personality disconnect, and further proof we're not compatible, i guess. if i'd known all of that, i probably wouldn't have dated him.
how stupid am i that i keep getting myself into these situations? i've been struggling everyday with hating myself for how i feel about him, how idiotic i've been to allow myself to develop feelings for someone who can't appreciate my most valued part of myself, my heart. everyday, i struggle to find a reason to keep going. he is not a sentimental person, he discards things that remind him of anyone that no longer serves a purpose in his life. the book i made him, the pictures we took together or the ones i've sent him, the poems i've sent him - all of it is discarded, mainly because he doesn't want to deal with his wife seeing it, but also because he's gotten into the habit of throwing away. out of sight, out of mind.
i'm out of his sight. the only way i am in his sight is if i make it so. i know the places i must avoid so that i won't see him, but i go anyway, knowing there is a possibility he might be there. and if he's not, someone from that crowd is, and they ask what's wrong, and i tell them, and then i feel like i'm gossiping about my own fucking life. even though it makes me feel better to be able to share my heartbreak with someone who knows him, it still makes me feel ill.
everyday. i meet those who would gladly give me their hearts, who would love for me to be their muse. who would leap at the chance to make me happy. but i am too damaged, too heartbroken to give them the chance. some try to make me feel better to tell me how many others there are in LA who'd love a chance at this - it doesn't make me feel better. being told i am worthy, beautiful, intelligent, awesome - that i deserve someone great....it doesn't make me feel better. some throw others my way, thinking i just need to get laid. like fucking is going to make me feel better. i'm not interested.
none of it makes me feel better because i lost control, because i fell in love, and this is what love is for me: it is suffering. i fall in love, and i suffer needlessly. it's not glamorous, and no one gains anything from it. i just hurt everyday and wonder what the fucking point is.
last night, i was told "well, you had to know it wasn't going to last. he's married!"
and no, i didn't know it wasn't going to last. i didn't think about it. i assume the best, that everything is manageable when i start dating someone, and especially if i'm in love with someone. i'm bothered that their separation is still largely a secret, and everyone just viewed me as this thing, this person he was fucking, this play toy. and maybe that's all i was, maybe it turns out they were right.
it doesn't sit well with me because i love him. i have feelings. i am a person, and i am infinitely more complex than what they think. that whole scene sucks. everyone in it seems to think i am a certain way because i look a part, i guess. and when they actually have a conversation with me, they are surprised that there is more to me than that. suddenly, i know how to blend in with the pretty people and it's become an irritating curse. because i am intelligent, because i have empathy, because i have developed opinions independent of peer or media influence - because of all these things, sudden attractiveness has become a curse. i feel insulted when people treat me like a stupid girl, assuming that i must have been attractive all my life and hence been given special treatment because of it, so they feel a need to 'neg' me, because i've never suffered.
i am given treatment because they want to include me in their roster of attractive people at their parties or shows, and i accept because i can't afford to go otherwise and anyway, it's something to do... most times, they are not things i would want to pay money for anyway.
pattern: meet dude. turns out we some overlapping circles, usually amongst the goth scene. there's something off, and there are certain places i can't be seen with him at. if i make or give him a gift, he is reluctant to take it, for fear of an ex(?) seeing it, asking questions, getting feelings hurt. dude has repressed sexual urges that i somehow satisfy, and it becomes the main activity we engage in. nothing else changes, i'm still hidden from this strong force in his life. the relationship never gets past that point. eventually, if he has a heart at all, dude feels bad that i am not getting the fulfillment i deserve. we stop seeing each other. dude still strings along his ex, and either never tells her about me or else tells her after we've stopped being lovers.
this has happened three times now (third time is the charm, that i learn my lesson and stop seeing unavailable men?). in one instance, he purposely hid this information from me. in the last instance, he didn't tell me about how soon it was since they'd split up or about all the others he was seeing and... there was a lot he didn't tell me, because he didn't think it was necessary for me to know. but that's a personality disconnect, and further proof we're not compatible, i guess. if i'd known all of that, i probably wouldn't have dated him.
how stupid am i that i keep getting myself into these situations? i've been struggling everyday with hating myself for how i feel about him, how idiotic i've been to allow myself to develop feelings for someone who can't appreciate my most valued part of myself, my heart. everyday, i struggle to find a reason to keep going. he is not a sentimental person, he discards things that remind him of anyone that no longer serves a purpose in his life. the book i made him, the pictures we took together or the ones i've sent him, the poems i've sent him - all of it is discarded, mainly because he doesn't want to deal with his wife seeing it, but also because he's gotten into the habit of throwing away. out of sight, out of mind.
i'm out of his sight. the only way i am in his sight is if i make it so. i know the places i must avoid so that i won't see him, but i go anyway, knowing there is a possibility he might be there. and if he's not, someone from that crowd is, and they ask what's wrong, and i tell them, and then i feel like i'm gossiping about my own fucking life. even though it makes me feel better to be able to share my heartbreak with someone who knows him, it still makes me feel ill.
everyday. i meet those who would gladly give me their hearts, who would love for me to be their muse. who would leap at the chance to make me happy. but i am too damaged, too heartbroken to give them the chance. some try to make me feel better to tell me how many others there are in LA who'd love a chance at this - it doesn't make me feel better. being told i am worthy, beautiful, intelligent, awesome - that i deserve someone great....it doesn't make me feel better. some throw others my way, thinking i just need to get laid. like fucking is going to make me feel better. i'm not interested.
none of it makes me feel better because i lost control, because i fell in love, and this is what love is for me: it is suffering. i fall in love, and i suffer needlessly. it's not glamorous, and no one gains anything from it. i just hurt everyday and wonder what the fucking point is.