up, down.
i've been drinking lemon juice and warm water upon waking, followed by breakfast and maybe bulletproof coffee. it's been helping with depression, i guess.
i had a good weekend, although it was a bit tricky at parts. i've been keeping myself so full of activity, perhaps in attempt to keep myself busy and distracted from things. meanwhile, my desk is a mess of papers that need to be sorted: receipts, pay stubs, official notices, business / friend / cultural enrichment contacts. demo CDs from bands i'll probably never listen to. a CD wallet that i have yet to go through that contains all of C's music. broken computer speakers [they finally died last week]. a jump rope still in its box that i got for free from a school i was working at. my alumni magazine. books that i've no intention of reading but thought they looked pretty and am debating gutting to turn into art pieces. wood putty i borrowed from a neighbor months ago. drawings my very little sister made for me.
i'm feeling overwhelmed. a lot of things have happened that were very unpleasant. and i handled them ungracefully.
i miss this place. i miss being able to read friends' words, thoughts, feelings. social media has turned into this nasty, saccharine cesspool of garbage. having to sift through endless crap to find worthwhile information has been tedious and irritating.
i miss friends. i feel isolated. i know i could probably call someone up and hang out with them, even get a good hug. i know i can do this. but i'm feeling so bad about myself that i don't want to. i feel like a fuckup for not putting things away in a timely manner, for not taking care of things immediately as they arise. i guess i've been too scared to. my income has been so alarmingly little that i still have yet to figure out a functional budget, instead of 'i'm only going out if it's free' and getting suckered into paying for outings i had no intention of going to anyway. i've been here over 2 years and have been avoiding this.
but yes, i suppose i could look at this as an unseen blessing in disguise. my primary jobs have fallen through. the landlord is selling the house we're living in, so i need to find a new home. my band sounds good, but its frontman is unreliable. i feel dizzy nearly every single day. i miss companionship sorely, but have made no effort to spend enough time with any one person to have that companionship.
i've been spending more time away from C. it's to the point now where i can't really feel what he is feeling anymore. i used to be able to sense when he wasn't in a good place, catch faint whiffs of him in random locations and fear the worst. i'd text him to see if he were ok, he'd not respond [which meant he was sleeping], but of course, ended up still breathing. the first couple weeks of intentional backing off from him were really hard. i felt abandoned and confused. but i finally started being able to spend time with others, and the company was good. responsible, creative, happy people. it's such a change from what company i tend to keep, which just happens out of circumstance. my tendency to isolate and go out alone has made it so these are the only types i see - ones who also happen to be at the same places. eventually, familiar faces. some are good folk, but the ones i run into more often are usually not the most stable, to say the least.
[break while eating homemade hummus, followed by cup of bulletproof coffee]
whew. feeling a lot better after all that! i started chewing nicorette [in addition to bumming occasional smokes off others] too. that and the coffee help a lot with mood stabilizing. also, i don't see the point in giving up drinking altogether, but i do need to be better about using it when i'm dealt with a life blow. the last 2 major bad news things were dealt with by drinking [more heavily than usual] with C and making some really bad choices. but i suppose the drinking with C in times of crisis was a bad choice too.
life has been getting more and more rock star, good and bad. i've been making friends with all manner of musician and artist. and it occurred to me last night how odd it was, how dazzled and out of reach it seemed to be spending time with these types, the ones everyone has heard of [even if i'm not a fan, myself] as a teenager. but now i'm going to shows as their VIP, eating vegan dinners together, going to their private meditation groups, being pursued by their exes, getting recognized at events and not remembering names [or faces] of those i've met. i simply meet too many people. i go out alone, most of the time. and i feel better alone than i do with the very toxic ones.
C is like a leech i didn't notice had attached itself to me until it found a new host. the blood has begun to return to my body and there's a sharp sting from where the newly open wound is. and i suppose i'm still getting over that part. i'm looking for cosmic neosporin, so to speak. but meanwhile, the wound hasn't fully scabbed over.
[break at park, watched friend sail remote-controlled toy boat]
i still feel a sense of responsibility, even though i know that he is in charge of his own life. i am trying let go. i know i am a positive influence on his life, but i am still enabling his behavior by being involved. so i am trying to be as uninvolved as possible. i'm not inviting him to events anymore, because i can't deal with being flaked on or having to deal with his unsavory friends. hopefully, we will be able to start playing shows soon. i'd like to get to the point where we are all contributing to the songwriting. we'll see.
i had a good weekend, although it was a bit tricky at parts. i've been keeping myself so full of activity, perhaps in attempt to keep myself busy and distracted from things. meanwhile, my desk is a mess of papers that need to be sorted: receipts, pay stubs, official notices, business / friend / cultural enrichment contacts. demo CDs from bands i'll probably never listen to. a CD wallet that i have yet to go through that contains all of C's music. broken computer speakers [they finally died last week]. a jump rope still in its box that i got for free from a school i was working at. my alumni magazine. books that i've no intention of reading but thought they looked pretty and am debating gutting to turn into art pieces. wood putty i borrowed from a neighbor months ago. drawings my very little sister made for me.
i'm feeling overwhelmed. a lot of things have happened that were very unpleasant. and i handled them ungracefully.
i miss this place. i miss being able to read friends' words, thoughts, feelings. social media has turned into this nasty, saccharine cesspool of garbage. having to sift through endless crap to find worthwhile information has been tedious and irritating.
i miss friends. i feel isolated. i know i could probably call someone up and hang out with them, even get a good hug. i know i can do this. but i'm feeling so bad about myself that i don't want to. i feel like a fuckup for not putting things away in a timely manner, for not taking care of things immediately as they arise. i guess i've been too scared to. my income has been so alarmingly little that i still have yet to figure out a functional budget, instead of 'i'm only going out if it's free' and getting suckered into paying for outings i had no intention of going to anyway. i've been here over 2 years and have been avoiding this.
but yes, i suppose i could look at this as an unseen blessing in disguise. my primary jobs have fallen through. the landlord is selling the house we're living in, so i need to find a new home. my band sounds good, but its frontman is unreliable. i feel dizzy nearly every single day. i miss companionship sorely, but have made no effort to spend enough time with any one person to have that companionship.
i've been spending more time away from C. it's to the point now where i can't really feel what he is feeling anymore. i used to be able to sense when he wasn't in a good place, catch faint whiffs of him in random locations and fear the worst. i'd text him to see if he were ok, he'd not respond [which meant he was sleeping], but of course, ended up still breathing. the first couple weeks of intentional backing off from him were really hard. i felt abandoned and confused. but i finally started being able to spend time with others, and the company was good. responsible, creative, happy people. it's such a change from what company i tend to keep, which just happens out of circumstance. my tendency to isolate and go out alone has made it so these are the only types i see - ones who also happen to be at the same places. eventually, familiar faces. some are good folk, but the ones i run into more often are usually not the most stable, to say the least.
[break while eating homemade hummus, followed by cup of bulletproof coffee]
whew. feeling a lot better after all that! i started chewing nicorette [in addition to bumming occasional smokes off others] too. that and the coffee help a lot with mood stabilizing. also, i don't see the point in giving up drinking altogether, but i do need to be better about using it when i'm dealt with a life blow. the last 2 major bad news things were dealt with by drinking [more heavily than usual] with C and making some really bad choices. but i suppose the drinking with C in times of crisis was a bad choice too.
life has been getting more and more rock star, good and bad. i've been making friends with all manner of musician and artist. and it occurred to me last night how odd it was, how dazzled and out of reach it seemed to be spending time with these types, the ones everyone has heard of [even if i'm not a fan, myself] as a teenager. but now i'm going to shows as their VIP, eating vegan dinners together, going to their private meditation groups, being pursued by their exes, getting recognized at events and not remembering names [or faces] of those i've met. i simply meet too many people. i go out alone, most of the time. and i feel better alone than i do with the very toxic ones.
C is like a leech i didn't notice had attached itself to me until it found a new host. the blood has begun to return to my body and there's a sharp sting from where the newly open wound is. and i suppose i'm still getting over that part. i'm looking for cosmic neosporin, so to speak. but meanwhile, the wound hasn't fully scabbed over.
[break at park, watched friend sail remote-controlled toy boat]
i still feel a sense of responsibility, even though i know that he is in charge of his own life. i am trying let go. i know i am a positive influence on his life, but i am still enabling his behavior by being involved. so i am trying to be as uninvolved as possible. i'm not inviting him to events anymore, because i can't deal with being flaked on or having to deal with his unsavory friends. hopefully, we will be able to start playing shows soon. i'd like to get to the point where we are all contributing to the songwriting. we'll see.