My 2007 New Year’s Resolutions (Beyond, APPARENTLY, Being Added To The NSA Wiretapping List)!!!
Resolution I) I resolve to get reacquainted with the cherished rites and practices of the conservative Christian upbringing I’ve strayed from for so terribly long.
“Why?” you may ask. Well, I’ve been feeling incredibly DEPRESSED lately, and have been sort of internally nurturing the attitude that even MODERATE amounts of exercise, SUBTLE variations in my diet, or abstinence from stressful situations is not NEARLY as practical, given my personal level of laziness, as, say… “Letting a magical figure take care of all my problems FOR me, in exchange for agreeing to dislike some particular stuff.” It’s just got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I’ve ALREADY attained virtual SAVANT status in the “disliking stuff” category, anyway, so I figure I might as well go just that theosophical INCH more, and enjoy 6,000 virgins upon my earthly demise as a reward. Logical.
PLUS there’s that whole “anything good that happens in my life is due my religious piousness; anything BAD that transpires owes a debt to my over-tolerance of homos” tenet that I, long ago, senselessly abandoned-which I LOVE! *Scoff* I mean, SHOOT… I can CERTAINLY start bagging on THEM more, if it means that I receive a get-out-of-jail-free card for all the sitcom viewership, junk food, and slapping my woman around that I take such day-to-day delight in. Let’s give it a shot, shall we?
[Leaning out of the Cashier’s Office window to address an elderly woman watching television in the service waiting area] “FAGS!!!” [Cheerfully returning to my computer] Yup! There’s ONE Double Six Dollar Burger w/ Cheese Combo and the large CrissCut Fries from Carl’s Jr. that I won’t be losing any sleep over anytime soon! Say good-bye, cholesterol! I am N-N-N-NOT a fan of queers! [High-fiving myself]
Anyway! Under the yoke of such an ambitious undertaking, my first concerted foray back into dogmatic worship will be to commence with a rigorous prayer schedule. So, as a gesture of “good faith”-[wink, wink]-on my part, I thought I’d share the manuscript I’ve worked out for my first prayer “wish list” with all of you-it’s a PRELIMINARY draft, mind you, so, admittedly, it needs some touching up... But I think you’ll get the gist, nonetheless. ‘Kay! Here it is!
____________________
Dear Lord,
Please force the following persons to commit suicide:
____________________
1) “Star Trek: The Next Generation”’s Wil Wheaton. Given Your fabled omniscience, Lord, I would suppose this is a rather self-explanatory request. On the OTHER hand: Why pass up an opportunity to give the creator of ALL That Is Known "the business" every now and again? No reason! To wit: How the BAISE (Visit this nifty little decoder for the CLIFFHANGER translation!) could You allow a person staking claim to such a paltry "accomplishment" as this guy's ride its coattails for SO... LONG?!?! I mean [YOU], man! Seriously...
...AND while I'm at it: Parfois vous me faites souhait que je n'ai pas tenu tel dédain pour sodomiser dieux, ou, ainsi aidez-moi, je vous donnerais le traitement d'"Deliverance", mais bon! Curious???
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2) Gallagher-impostor Ron Gallagher, younger brother to ex-comic GENIUS (!!!) GALLAGHER Gallagher (…You might as well throw in the "legitimate" Gallagher's demise, TOO, as long as You’re going to the trouble…).
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3) Perennial suicide request favorite Corey Feldman (If for nothing ELSE, in having taken the “lead ‘role’” in the straight-to-video release of “Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys”, thereby completely ILLEGITIMATIZING an otherwise-salvageable franchise [referring to “P.M.”, that is; NOT the LAUGHABLE “D.T.” series *Snort*]!).
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4) Name-trademarking-embattled hard-core porn starlet Mary Carey AND somehow-even-SKANKIER soft-core R&B porn has-been MARIAH Carey.
(PS: If You could somehow manage a scenario wherein they run head-on into each other’s sharpened-and-sequin-encrusted dildos in some sort of pay-per-view Slut Joust™ or something similar, that would be super-duper! What am I SAYING? You’re GOD! The guy who CREATED sluts! You can do ANYTHING!)
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5) Professional... CANADIAN Mike Myers, of “Shrek” über-infamy. I presume there is no joking around or explanation necessary on this one; right, God? Just KILL him.
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6) That BITCH, Nicole Brown Simpson!
[Update: Sources close to the authoring party behind the Cunninglinguyst LiveJournal have, since the original penning of this entry, informed me that God has already surmounted this task-and in the GRANDEST of fashions-through the aide of “earthbound emissaries,” hence nullifying this request. Included in the actualization of this ethereal hit, apparently, was an end zone dance over the corpse; something I was PLANNING on including with this request in future revisions of this prayer ANYWAY. Blessed be our all-knowing God.]
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This is sort of the point where I’ve bottlenecked in the ideas department for the time being. I’m sure I’ll come up with more figures I think would benefit greatly from angelic assassination-probably sometime within the next 15 minutes or so, in fact-but I’ll just leave it at this for posterity’s sake. Call it an “historical document,” I guess…
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Resolution II) I SECONDARILY resolve to... Well... Sort of... AssassinateGeorgeWalkerBush43rd"President"ofTheUnitedStatesofAmericayaddayaddayaddait'sNOTveryinterestingtowriteaboutHO-HUM!
____________________
____________________
Anywho! I hope everyone ELSE'S resolutions are coming along just as swimmingly as are MINE--sans, hopefully, the necessity for an underground, FBI-proof bunker in which to PLAN said monkeyshines--and, should anyone have any obvious addendums to MY wish list which I may have overlooked, feel free to buzz me. Until then: Here’s hoping you don’t make my list in ’08!
“Why?” you may ask. Well, I’ve been feeling incredibly DEPRESSED lately, and have been sort of internally nurturing the attitude that even MODERATE amounts of exercise, SUBTLE variations in my diet, or abstinence from stressful situations is not NEARLY as practical, given my personal level of laziness, as, say… “Letting a magical figure take care of all my problems FOR me, in exchange for agreeing to dislike some particular stuff.” It’s just got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I’ve ALREADY attained virtual SAVANT status in the “disliking stuff” category, anyway, so I figure I might as well go just that theosophical INCH more, and enjoy 6,000 virgins upon my earthly demise as a reward. Logical.
PLUS there’s that whole “anything good that happens in my life is due my religious piousness; anything BAD that transpires owes a debt to my over-tolerance of homos” tenet that I, long ago, senselessly abandoned-which I LOVE! *Scoff* I mean, SHOOT… I can CERTAINLY start bagging on THEM more, if it means that I receive a get-out-of-jail-free card for all the sitcom viewership, junk food, and slapping my woman around that I take such day-to-day delight in. Let’s give it a shot, shall we?
[Leaning out of the Cashier’s Office window to address an elderly woman watching television in the service waiting area] “FAGS!!!” [Cheerfully returning to my computer] Yup! There’s ONE Double Six Dollar Burger w/ Cheese Combo and the large CrissCut Fries from Carl’s Jr. that I won’t be losing any sleep over anytime soon! Say good-bye, cholesterol! I am N-N-N-NOT a fan of queers! [High-fiving myself]
Anyway! Under the yoke of such an ambitious undertaking, my first concerted foray back into dogmatic worship will be to commence with a rigorous prayer schedule. So, as a gesture of “good faith”-[wink, wink]-on my part, I thought I’d share the manuscript I’ve worked out for my first prayer “wish list” with all of you-it’s a PRELIMINARY draft, mind you, so, admittedly, it needs some touching up... But I think you’ll get the gist, nonetheless. ‘Kay! Here it is!
____________________
Dear Lord,
Please force the following persons to commit suicide:
____________________
1) “Star Trek: The Next Generation”’s Wil Wheaton. Given Your fabled omniscience, Lord, I would suppose this is a rather self-explanatory request. On the OTHER hand: Why pass up an opportunity to give the creator of ALL That Is Known "the business" every now and again? No reason! To wit: How the BAISE (Visit this nifty little decoder for the CLIFFHANGER translation!) could You allow a person staking claim to such a paltry "accomplishment" as this guy's ride its coattails for SO... LONG?!?! I mean [YOU], man! Seriously...
...AND while I'm at it: Parfois vous me faites souhait que je n'ai pas tenu tel dédain pour sodomiser dieux, ou, ainsi aidez-moi, je vous donnerais le traitement d'"Deliverance", mais bon! Curious???
____________________
____________________
2) Gallagher-impostor Ron Gallagher, younger brother to ex-comic GENIUS (!!!) GALLAGHER Gallagher (…You might as well throw in the "legitimate" Gallagher's demise, TOO, as long as You’re going to the trouble…).
____________________
____________________
3) Perennial suicide request favorite Corey Feldman (If for nothing ELSE, in having taken the “lead ‘role’” in the straight-to-video release of “Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys”, thereby completely ILLEGITIMATIZING an otherwise-salvageable franchise [referring to “P.M.”, that is; NOT the LAUGHABLE “D.T.” series *Snort*]!).
____________________
____________________
4) Name-trademarking-embattled hard-core porn starlet Mary Carey AND somehow-even-SKANKIER soft-core R&B porn has-been MARIAH Carey.
(PS: If You could somehow manage a scenario wherein they run head-on into each other’s sharpened-and-sequin-encrusted dildos in some sort of pay-per-view Slut Joust™ or something similar, that would be super-duper! What am I SAYING? You’re GOD! The guy who CREATED sluts! You can do ANYTHING!)
____________________
____________________
____________________
5) Professional... CANADIAN Mike Myers, of “Shrek” über-infamy. I presume there is no joking around or explanation necessary on this one; right, God? Just KILL him.
____________________
____________________
6) That BITCH, Nicole Brown Simpson!
[Update: Sources close to the authoring party behind the Cunninglinguyst LiveJournal have, since the original penning of this entry, informed me that God has already surmounted this task-and in the GRANDEST of fashions-through the aide of “earthbound emissaries,” hence nullifying this request. Included in the actualization of this ethereal hit, apparently, was an end zone dance over the corpse; something I was PLANNING on including with this request in future revisions of this prayer ANYWAY. Blessed be our all-knowing God.]
____________________
____________________
This is sort of the point where I’ve bottlenecked in the ideas department for the time being. I’m sure I’ll come up with more figures I think would benefit greatly from angelic assassination-probably sometime within the next 15 minutes or so, in fact-but I’ll just leave it at this for posterity’s sake. Call it an “historical document,” I guess…
____________________
Resolution II) I SECONDARILY resolve to... Well... Sort of... AssassinateGeorgeWalkerBush43rd"President"ofTheUnitedStatesofAmericayaddayaddayaddait'sNOTveryinterestingtowriteaboutHO-HUM!
____________________
____________________
Anywho! I hope everyone ELSE'S resolutions are coming along just as swimmingly as are MINE--sans, hopefully, the necessity for an underground, FBI-proof bunker in which to PLAN said monkeyshines--and, should anyone have any obvious addendums to MY wish list which I may have overlooked, feel free to buzz me. Until then: Here’s hoping you don’t make my list in ’08!