(no subject)

[cunninghamz_]

i think when i write about things being so great, i totally jinx myself.
i wrote about this new love: lost that.
i wrote about my dad being clean and an inspiration: he's relapsed.
i wrote about how happy i was being okay: not so much right now.

"this too shall pass."
why not now ?

i need to get over the whole "instant gratification" thing. that's not reality. accepting it is really hard. i have absolutely no patience for things like this.

i really wish i could do a shot right now.
that wouldn't solve anything in the long run, but it would make me feel better for today. sometimes i just don't care about what would happen if i were to relapse. that's not good.
i feel like i'm on the road to relapse already.

all these things are being thrown to me in huge tidal waves. i keep telling myself that i refuse to let it knock me down, but then i tell myself that i'm lying to myself and that i will let it knock me down.
this is my addiction talking to me and i know it. it has a huge hold on me.
let me just get through this day. it'll be one more day sober.
and then tomorrow i battle the same battle.
"one day at a time."

i hate that phrase. as true as it is.