(no subject)
things are completely different with me now.
i think it's okay for me to be completely open, in fact it may be necessary for me.
i had/have (i'll always carry it with me) a heroin addiction.
this is my story of getting clean.
i have used heroin for two years. i have used heroin intraveniously for almost one. i use daily. i use frequently. it got to the point where i didn't care about "getting high" or experiencing euphoria. it got to the point where i used just so i wouldn't feel withdrawals. it got to the point where instead of the next day feeling sick, i would feel it when i was coming down.
i had my mom and sister put a court order on me so that i would go and detox. i was on my third day of withdrawal (which are always the worst, the peak of it) and was put in a holding cell at the courthouse for seven whole hours. there was nothing in that room but two benches and four horribly painted teal walls. this was all in the process of getting me into a bed to detox in. i was in there for around two hours by myself, then after those two hours of lying there in silence (with nothing but the thought of my sickness on my mind) another woman came in. she looked like mimi from the drew carey show with a blonde curly hairpiece clipped to the top of her crown. she had cateye eyeliner, literally, to her ears or temples. she had blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows. the courthouse gave us a brown bagged lunch with a dry turkey sandwich and cheese crackers with a bottled water. she asked if she could have mine and seeing as how there was no way i was going to be able to stomach any food whatsoever (plus i'm just a nice enough person that if someone else has to ask me for something that must mean they really want it, so i have to oblige, especially if i wasn't going to eat it). she also ate her's and she also ate another woman's.
"mimi" was asked by this other woman why she was there, so she replied by leaning forward as if she was about to reveal a top-secret confidential mission from the CIA and said, "well, don't tell anybody this..." looked around and finished, "but i'm pregnant with eight babies..." at this point there was nothing but a stunned silence. oh no, she wasn't finished. she soon added, "i don't know how my husband and i will do it, i don't know how we're going to afford eight washers and dryers."
i couldn't make that up. it was light "entertainment" to a very dark time. i'm not so mad that she ate everyone's food considering she is feeding eight. =)
i met with my "representative" and he was a nice, down-to-earth young guy who was really good at making me feel like i wasn't just another crazy/drug-addicted client (which i know i'm not, at least, compared to everyone else who was in there- forgive my judgement), but he just asked me the regular questions and then the most important one, "do you want to get help or not ?"
i thought deeply for only a second before responding positively. i wanted to be there, i just had to check to make sure it wasn't a "in-the-moment" sort of thought. i really wanted it. so my case went very smoothly, only took about 5 minutes tops. my representative told me to give my family a hug. i hugged my sister, jamey, and she said, "this is for your own good;" i hugged my mom and i said in tears, "i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment." to which she replied, "it's okay, you're trying not to be anymore.". yes these are the "words of support" from my mother. now this is just the tip of the iceberg, i will get into more "unbelievable things parents say to their kids" later. but i will say that i was expecting "you're not a disappointment, i love you, be strong, i believe in you" yadda yadda yadda. although there's two sides to every story, right ? of course. these "words of inspiration" have to root from somewhere. unfortunately my mother's root from her anger.
i, in some sick way, understand her anger towards me. although her anger seems to do nothing but bring back memories of relapse, i understand. i stole all of her money she had that was going towards the mortgage and christmas presents. around $2000. this was the last paycheck she was going to get until after christmas. i'm not supposed to have regrets considering "addiction is a disease, and if i had been sober i would have never even thought to do it" but i feel huge regret. never had i stooped so low as to steal from my own mother, especially considering the special circumstances of the holidays.
that's when i went to my sister and said, "look, this is a really big problem for me, i'm sure mom told you that i stole a lot of money, and this is why." so from there she started looking for the help i needed.
and, i'm really tired and it's like eight in the morning and i've been up all night with my thoughts so i'll finish this later.
i think it's okay for me to be completely open, in fact it may be necessary for me.
i had/have (i'll always carry it with me) a heroin addiction.
this is my story of getting clean.
i have used heroin for two years. i have used heroin intraveniously for almost one. i use daily. i use frequently. it got to the point where i didn't care about "getting high" or experiencing euphoria. it got to the point where i used just so i wouldn't feel withdrawals. it got to the point where instead of the next day feeling sick, i would feel it when i was coming down.
i had my mom and sister put a court order on me so that i would go and detox. i was on my third day of withdrawal (which are always the worst, the peak of it) and was put in a holding cell at the courthouse for seven whole hours. there was nothing in that room but two benches and four horribly painted teal walls. this was all in the process of getting me into a bed to detox in. i was in there for around two hours by myself, then after those two hours of lying there in silence (with nothing but the thought of my sickness on my mind) another woman came in. she looked like mimi from the drew carey show with a blonde curly hairpiece clipped to the top of her crown. she had cateye eyeliner, literally, to her ears or temples. she had blue eyeshadow up to her eyebrows. the courthouse gave us a brown bagged lunch with a dry turkey sandwich and cheese crackers with a bottled water. she asked if she could have mine and seeing as how there was no way i was going to be able to stomach any food whatsoever (plus i'm just a nice enough person that if someone else has to ask me for something that must mean they really want it, so i have to oblige, especially if i wasn't going to eat it). she also ate her's and she also ate another woman's.
"mimi" was asked by this other woman why she was there, so she replied by leaning forward as if she was about to reveal a top-secret confidential mission from the CIA and said, "well, don't tell anybody this..." looked around and finished, "but i'm pregnant with eight babies..." at this point there was nothing but a stunned silence. oh no, she wasn't finished. she soon added, "i don't know how my husband and i will do it, i don't know how we're going to afford eight washers and dryers."
i couldn't make that up. it was light "entertainment" to a very dark time. i'm not so mad that she ate everyone's food considering she is feeding eight. =)
i met with my "representative" and he was a nice, down-to-earth young guy who was really good at making me feel like i wasn't just another crazy/drug-addicted client (which i know i'm not, at least, compared to everyone else who was in there- forgive my judgement), but he just asked me the regular questions and then the most important one, "do you want to get help or not ?"
i thought deeply for only a second before responding positively. i wanted to be there, i just had to check to make sure it wasn't a "in-the-moment" sort of thought. i really wanted it. so my case went very smoothly, only took about 5 minutes tops. my representative told me to give my family a hug. i hugged my sister, jamey, and she said, "this is for your own good;" i hugged my mom and i said in tears, "i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment." to which she replied, "it's okay, you're trying not to be anymore.". yes these are the "words of support" from my mother. now this is just the tip of the iceberg, i will get into more "unbelievable things parents say to their kids" later. but i will say that i was expecting "you're not a disappointment, i love you, be strong, i believe in you" yadda yadda yadda. although there's two sides to every story, right ? of course. these "words of inspiration" have to root from somewhere. unfortunately my mother's root from her anger.
i, in some sick way, understand her anger towards me. although her anger seems to do nothing but bring back memories of relapse, i understand. i stole all of her money she had that was going towards the mortgage and christmas presents. around $2000. this was the last paycheck she was going to get until after christmas. i'm not supposed to have regrets considering "addiction is a disease, and if i had been sober i would have never even thought to do it" but i feel huge regret. never had i stooped so low as to steal from my own mother, especially considering the special circumstances of the holidays.
that's when i went to my sister and said, "look, this is a really big problem for me, i'm sure mom told you that i stole a lot of money, and this is why." so from there she started looking for the help i needed.
and, i'm really tired and it's like eight in the morning and i've been up all night with my thoughts so i'll finish this later.