i just copied and pasted from my blog.
i really need to get off the opiates. i told myself i wouldn't get this far.
i don't even do them that much, but it's like when i don't have them i feel like i can't even function, and i know that means i must be an addict.
it all started with my toothaches and back pain. if i would've never taken tabs, then i wouldn't have known how awesome they made me feel and i wouldn't be in the state i'm in right now. i feel like i can't be social with people i'm not comfortable with without them, i feel like my whole world is crashing because why ? i don't have any fucking painkillers ? i mean, god. what happened to me ?
is it my self esteem that makes me such an invert ? why do i need a pill to socialize ? i look at people who are actually just like me, and i judge them and say how pathetic they are. i'm as pathetic as they are.
maybe i'm only writing this whole "i need to change" thing because there's nothing around, but i know on monday someone's getting their script filled and their gonna sell them for super cheap. will i let myself fail getting off them and buy some ? do i even have that kind of willpower ? if i did, would i be debating myself ?
i need a job, but i can't even see myself working because i know that means having to converse with strangers and honestly that scares the shit out of me.
i know i have a lot of social anxiety and if i went to a doctor they'd prescribe me nerve pills (xanax, klonopins, valium, whatever) but that just means another pill that alters who i really am so i can be comfortable with society. how is that any better ? it's exactly the same as what i'm going through right now.
i've got my dad's extreme addictive personality and my mom's super anxiety and this is what i've become: a pathetic drug addict invert who's scared of what other people think to the point where i have to leave whatever situation i'm in. it makes sense on who i am, right ?
maybe it's the people here. i never had this problem in florida. maybe i know people think i'm weird because i'm different and people here can't accept change. or anyone different.
i've had interviews and of course i don't get hired because i don't have the social skills as someone, you know, normal.
is it confidence ? i'm a really confident person. i love how i look, and sure there's changes i'd like to make with my appearance, but that's everyone. maybe i'm not confident with my inside self and that's what the problem is.
maybe it's because i'm so judgemental and i think everyone's like me and judging me to the extreme that i judge them.
whatever the problem is, i don't want it anymore. i want to live a normal, sober life where i can have fun without drugs or alcohol (well i think since i never drink that getting drunk to increase having a good time would be okay in the appropriate setting)
i really need a therapist i think. but i'm completely on my own in life, and it's been that way for a long time now.. there's no way i could get a doctor. i can't even go to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and my health is depending on them to be removed. it scares me when i think there's a poison constantly going through me that can kill me one day.. and there's nothing i can do about it. because i don't have anyone to get me to a dentist.
which my teeth problems all fit nicely into my circle of anxiety: i grind my teeth when i'm anxious which is 80% of the time. now they're broken and the exposed shit has caused absess in four of my teeth. that's four times more poison than one tooth... four times more poison going through me. four times more likely to drop fucking dead. i definitely love thinking about that. yeah, it totally helps my anxiety. for sure. god. NOT.
i'm in the biggest hole of my life, and i'm so stuck there. it just feels like there's no hope of getting better and it's really really depressing. how did i let my fucking self get this far down in life ? this is not who i planned to be. i want a fast-paced life, sure. but not with drugs. i want it with a career. i want to wear cute business clothes and work in a corporate setting that's always keeping me on my toes. not in the drug game, trying to find the cheapest prices for the most drugs to get me the most fucked up. to do what ? absolutely nothing. make the day go by better and faster just to do the same thing the next day.
how pathetic. pathetic pathetic pathetic.
what is my problem ? seriously.
i actually know my problems, i'm totally aware of all of my problems which i don't think a lot of people are aware of their problems, to me it's solving them that's the hard part. impossible, actually. impossible seeming.
i know i need lots of support and reassurance, and everyone i'm surrounded with needs the same help i do. so. what do i do ? besides completely abandon everyone and go to florida which i've definitely thought of, but don't have the heart to do. or finances, let's be honest. but that's second on my list.
leave michael ? are you kidding me ? leave the love of my life ? the one thing that at the same time keeps me going, is holding me back from helping myself ?
i can't have both.
but, i'm so completely in love with him there's no way i'd be able to function with him being thousands of miles away. there's just no way.
so what do i do ?
we've talked about all this stuff.. but i really feel as though west virginia is holding me back from succeeding in life (career/education wise). but success just isn't being well-off finacially. success is love too, and i can't have both.
it's really tearing me apart. two major things you need in life, and of course i can't have both.
whoever's testing me is testing me good.
this is one of the hardest realities i've ever had to face.
i'm just completely lost.
i don't even do them that much, but it's like when i don't have them i feel like i can't even function, and i know that means i must be an addict.
it all started with my toothaches and back pain. if i would've never taken tabs, then i wouldn't have known how awesome they made me feel and i wouldn't be in the state i'm in right now. i feel like i can't be social with people i'm not comfortable with without them, i feel like my whole world is crashing because why ? i don't have any fucking painkillers ? i mean, god. what happened to me ?
is it my self esteem that makes me such an invert ? why do i need a pill to socialize ? i look at people who are actually just like me, and i judge them and say how pathetic they are. i'm as pathetic as they are.
maybe i'm only writing this whole "i need to change" thing because there's nothing around, but i know on monday someone's getting their script filled and their gonna sell them for super cheap. will i let myself fail getting off them and buy some ? do i even have that kind of willpower ? if i did, would i be debating myself ?
i need a job, but i can't even see myself working because i know that means having to converse with strangers and honestly that scares the shit out of me.
i know i have a lot of social anxiety and if i went to a doctor they'd prescribe me nerve pills (xanax, klonopins, valium, whatever) but that just means another pill that alters who i really am so i can be comfortable with society. how is that any better ? it's exactly the same as what i'm going through right now.
i've got my dad's extreme addictive personality and my mom's super anxiety and this is what i've become: a pathetic drug addict invert who's scared of what other people think to the point where i have to leave whatever situation i'm in. it makes sense on who i am, right ?
maybe it's the people here. i never had this problem in florida. maybe i know people think i'm weird because i'm different and people here can't accept change. or anyone different.
i've had interviews and of course i don't get hired because i don't have the social skills as someone, you know, normal.
is it confidence ? i'm a really confident person. i love how i look, and sure there's changes i'd like to make with my appearance, but that's everyone. maybe i'm not confident with my inside self and that's what the problem is.
maybe it's because i'm so judgemental and i think everyone's like me and judging me to the extreme that i judge them.
whatever the problem is, i don't want it anymore. i want to live a normal, sober life where i can have fun without drugs or alcohol (well i think since i never drink that getting drunk to increase having a good time would be okay in the appropriate setting)
i really need a therapist i think. but i'm completely on my own in life, and it's been that way for a long time now.. there's no way i could get a doctor. i can't even go to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and my health is depending on them to be removed. it scares me when i think there's a poison constantly going through me that can kill me one day.. and there's nothing i can do about it. because i don't have anyone to get me to a dentist.
which my teeth problems all fit nicely into my circle of anxiety: i grind my teeth when i'm anxious which is 80% of the time. now they're broken and the exposed shit has caused absess in four of my teeth. that's four times more poison than one tooth... four times more poison going through me. four times more likely to drop fucking dead. i definitely love thinking about that. yeah, it totally helps my anxiety. for sure. god. NOT.
i'm in the biggest hole of my life, and i'm so stuck there. it just feels like there's no hope of getting better and it's really really depressing. how did i let my fucking self get this far down in life ? this is not who i planned to be. i want a fast-paced life, sure. but not with drugs. i want it with a career. i want to wear cute business clothes and work in a corporate setting that's always keeping me on my toes. not in the drug game, trying to find the cheapest prices for the most drugs to get me the most fucked up. to do what ? absolutely nothing. make the day go by better and faster just to do the same thing the next day.
how pathetic. pathetic pathetic pathetic.
what is my problem ? seriously.
i actually know my problems, i'm totally aware of all of my problems which i don't think a lot of people are aware of their problems, to me it's solving them that's the hard part. impossible, actually. impossible seeming.
i know i need lots of support and reassurance, and everyone i'm surrounded with needs the same help i do. so. what do i do ? besides completely abandon everyone and go to florida which i've definitely thought of, but don't have the heart to do. or finances, let's be honest. but that's second on my list.
leave michael ? are you kidding me ? leave the love of my life ? the one thing that at the same time keeps me going, is holding me back from helping myself ?
i can't have both.
but, i'm so completely in love with him there's no way i'd be able to function with him being thousands of miles away. there's just no way.
so what do i do ?
we've talked about all this stuff.. but i really feel as though west virginia is holding me back from succeeding in life (career/education wise). but success just isn't being well-off finacially. success is love too, and i can't have both.
it's really tearing me apart. two major things you need in life, and of course i can't have both.
whoever's testing me is testing me good.
this is one of the hardest realities i've ever had to face.
i'm just completely lost.