(no subject)
5:20 in the morning, and I can't sleep. It's been nagging at me to do an LJ entry; it's been forever since I've updated. I'll do a stream-of-consciousness entry. Here you go; everything I can think of that's been running through my mind lately.
My eyes still aren't adjusted to the brightness of the screen, wtf. I don't want my mom to catch me up this late (early?) cause she always gets so mad. Saying things like "I can't believe you do this to me," etc ad. Like it affects her, how late I stay up. Pft. Don't want to wake up my cousin though, he's here spending the night and is asleep on the couch behind me lol. I feel absurdly floaty; disconnected to like, everything. I've been having pseudosuicidal thoughts lately (pseudosuicidal? is that even a word?); nothing concrete, like "I'm going to kill myself," but subtle bits and pieces, like the number of people who would have their lives altered if I was gone (six, if anyone's interested), different methods (the one I think most often is falling down the stairs; could look accidental), and different ways to write a suicide note. I don't particularly feel like killing myself, but I do have to wonder why these thoughts keep popping up. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Did I just say the word "subconscious"? Someone shoot me. I'm starting to think I might be gay, again, instead of just bisexual. Lovely thoughts to think at 5:26 in the morning. It's getting to the point where I just want to be like "I'm gay!", you know? and have everyone just deal with it. I think I might, if I wasn't horrendous-looking. Well, maybe not horrendous, I'm not like obese or anything. My acne has cleared up a bit but it's by no means gone, I have the slightest hint of a belly (even though Dad's best estimate of my waist is about 115; I'm so out of shape), no real hint of a tan since I haven't been out of the house in a week (no vehicle, but it doesn't much matter since I didn't have a social life to begin with), and no musculature to speak of. I keep wishing for a genie in a bottle but that's never going to happen. I have all these fanciful daydreams that I know could happen if I could just get motivated, but that makes it even sadder that I can't. I'm lazy, and I detest it, but I don't know how to change it, and just saying that makes me more pitiful, I know. Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm. What else. My hair gets oily really fast. I need to get a shower tomorrow. I'm afraid I have about nine cavities, but I'm scared to go to the dentist. I never liked my teeth. They're not exactly "ivory", I need to get them whitened. It all comes down to money I guess. Veneers, right? The upside of not having a car is that I can save all the money I'll make when I get back to college. I'll be biking around collegetown like Jessica Fletcher, ha ha ha. Maybe my legs will get some definition. Maybe I'll become more motivated once I'm back in the dorm; the wellness center is only like a block away from the dorm. Can't wait to be in the new theatre. I almost typed that "theater", haha. I think I'm done for now. Good night, I'll try and get some sleep.
My eyes still aren't adjusted to the brightness of the screen, wtf. I don't want my mom to catch me up this late (early?) cause she always gets so mad. Saying things like "I can't believe you do this to me," etc ad. Like it affects her, how late I stay up. Pft. Don't want to wake up my cousin though, he's here spending the night and is asleep on the couch behind me lol. I feel absurdly floaty; disconnected to like, everything. I've been having pseudosuicidal thoughts lately (pseudosuicidal? is that even a word?); nothing concrete, like "I'm going to kill myself," but subtle bits and pieces, like the number of people who would have their lives altered if I was gone (six, if anyone's interested), different methods (the one I think most often is falling down the stairs; could look accidental), and different ways to write a suicide note. I don't particularly feel like killing myself, but I do have to wonder why these thoughts keep popping up. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Did I just say the word "subconscious"? Someone shoot me. I'm starting to think I might be gay, again, instead of just bisexual. Lovely thoughts to think at 5:26 in the morning. It's getting to the point where I just want to be like "I'm gay!", you know? and have everyone just deal with it. I think I might, if I wasn't horrendous-looking. Well, maybe not horrendous, I'm not like obese or anything. My acne has cleared up a bit but it's by no means gone, I have the slightest hint of a belly (even though Dad's best estimate of my waist is about 115; I'm so out of shape), no real hint of a tan since I haven't been out of the house in a week (no vehicle, but it doesn't much matter since I didn't have a social life to begin with), and no musculature to speak of. I keep wishing for a genie in a bottle but that's never going to happen. I have all these fanciful daydreams that I know could happen if I could just get motivated, but that makes it even sadder that I can't. I'm lazy, and I detest it, but I don't know how to change it, and just saying that makes me more pitiful, I know. Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm. What else. My hair gets oily really fast. I need to get a shower tomorrow. I'm afraid I have about nine cavities, but I'm scared to go to the dentist. I never liked my teeth. They're not exactly "ivory", I need to get them whitened. It all comes down to money I guess. Veneers, right? The upside of not having a car is that I can save all the money I'll make when I get back to college. I'll be biking around collegetown like Jessica Fletcher, ha ha ha. Maybe my legs will get some definition. Maybe I'll become more motivated once I'm back in the dorm; the wellness center is only like a block away from the dorm. Can't wait to be in the new theatre. I almost typed that "theater", haha. I think I'm done for now. Good night, I'll try and get some sleep.