Holy shit
I just realized I don't want to graduate. It's been kinda surreal up until now, like I was watching it from outside w/o any emotional attachments or anything. But in church tonight, I was thinking and my mind randomly wandered to what I would be doing tomorrow after graduation and I realized I wouldn't be doing anything. That's it. My last chance to see all those faces that I've become so accustomed to that I took them for granted. I don't want to leave this place. I'll miss people like El Muele, and Edwin, and Surette, and Melissa, and Maggs, and Darin, and Evan, and Buckley, and just random people who I prolly wont see that much (except maybe those going to Merrimack too, but still...) who are a bigger part of my life than I ever thought before now. I feel like I wasted time I should've spent w/ people...but I also don't know how I could have spent that time w/ them anyway. I'll miss Mrs. White and Dearborn. Seeing their baby pictures in the slide show struck the same despairing nerve as watching the baby pictures of my friends. For teachers, they've become good friends to me (even though that technically violates the teacher-student relationship), and they'll leave as big a void in my life as any classmate. I'll even miss Dr. Marshall. And I'm scared about the day after, when I'm gonna have hours upon hours alone doing nothing, because then I'll start thinking, and thinking is bad for me. Thinking is what gets me into trouble. And I'm so overtired and just rundown right now that the simple act of thinking leaves me an emotional wreck...which is exactly what I'm gonna be tomorrow night, I'm calling it right now. I'm also worried about my speech. Assuming I don't break down in the middle of it, all you're going to hear is me licking my lips between words because I get wicked bad drymouth when I hafta read in public. No amount of water will be able to prevent it. Or I'll fuck up the quote, because it's one of those jokes that is dependent on tone and inflection and it's mad fucking hard to do that speaking at -10x speed into a mic. That is, if it's even capable of being funny. Durgin has me convinced w/ her big flapping mouth that the thing isn't even funny if you haven't seen the movie. It makes me want to wrap my car around a tree just so I'll be in a hospital intensive care unit instead of in that church giving this fucking speech. I wish my grammy and grampy could be here to see me. Life is so unfair.
P.S. I'm sorry to anyone who feels left out from the thing at my house after the reception, I didn't "invite" anybody myself, everyone who came already knew about it when I found out this morning, and I just never had the opportunity to mention it to anybody else. I wasn't excluding anyone, and I'm sorry if you felt that I did.