Prep
Later on, when I tried to imagine how I might have ruined things, that would occur to me--that I'd so rarely resisted, that I hadn't made it hard enough for him. Maybe he felt disappointed. Myabe it was like gathering your strength and hurling your body against a door you believe to be locked, and then the door opens easily--it wasn't locked at all--and you're standing looking into the room, trying to remember what it was you thought you wanted.