Happy Anniversary
It's been a year since I fell off the balcony. I dedicated the entire day to sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I stepped out once to check my mail and twice to walk the pups. Other than that, I haven't left the house.
I've been sitting here waiting for 2:30 am. And here it is 2:28. How odd. It's anti-climatic. I knew it would be; I feel dead inside.
Beth called to wish me a Happy Anniversary. Susie mentioned it before she went to bed tonight. Nana reminded me to be thankful for the progress. Only Susie understands the whole NOT being thankful thing. Yes, I've come a long way, but that isn't good enough. What's the point in being thankful? Why can't they understand that being dead would be the best alternative? I'm not big on recovery; I'm big on AVOIDANCE.
I know...this has been a pathetic entry. I have been taking my meds ALL DAY in hopes that I would just pass out. In the course of 14 hours I have take 8 percocets and 2 demerols and still nothing. I'm refusing to take Ambien, simply because that'd be TOO CLOSE to last year. And no alcohol this year. Instead I've been downing cup after cup of coffee. Come to think of it, maybe THAT'S why I'm wide awake.
Ignore me.
I've been sitting here waiting for 2:30 am. And here it is 2:28. How odd. It's anti-climatic. I knew it would be; I feel dead inside.
Beth called to wish me a Happy Anniversary. Susie mentioned it before she went to bed tonight. Nana reminded me to be thankful for the progress. Only Susie understands the whole NOT being thankful thing. Yes, I've come a long way, but that isn't good enough. What's the point in being thankful? Why can't they understand that being dead would be the best alternative? I'm not big on recovery; I'm big on AVOIDANCE.
I know...this has been a pathetic entry. I have been taking my meds ALL DAY in hopes that I would just pass out. In the course of 14 hours I have take 8 percocets and 2 demerols and still nothing. I'm refusing to take Ambien, simply because that'd be TOO CLOSE to last year. And no alcohol this year. Instead I've been downing cup after cup of coffee. Come to think of it, maybe THAT'S why I'm wide awake.
Ignore me.