Not having...control. Not like no one has control, but then sense that someone else has it that's not you. I still itch at the idea of portals. And now, mostly, it's the idea of leaving here as quickly as I came, without any sort of warning.
Not having control is a terrifying thing, especially when it's your future, your hopes, your dreams that someone else is controlling..
The dark side...knowing I'm just one side of a coin.. Jealousy.. Possessiveness. The sure knowledge of being able to wrest control back, but knowing at the same time that to do so would be to resort to manipulation and emotional blackmail. Knowing what buttons to push on people and knowing how easy it would be to do. To change things.. To give in to fear and hate and vengeance.
I know how easily I could turn into her.. Into Fuamnach.
I know I'm not any different than anyone else. That I'm not the only one who's had control ripped away. But I can't seem to let the awareness of it go.
Not that I don't adore you just the way you are, because I do. And you'll forgive my curiosity I hope. But if you're so convinced the 'her' is that close to you, that it'd be that easy, what keeps you from letting it happen?
I don't think you should. It's something that's good to remember, to be wary of.
There are days I don't know. Some days I think that at least then, I'd be free. But then I see how she's twisted and tainted everything good around her. And I look at my boys, and I can't let that be me.
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The fortune part's a bit disturbinng. Me and my dark side aren't really friends.
How'd you feel about yours?
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I wasn't so thrilled about the part with my worst nightmares coming true?
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What are they?
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Not having...control. Not like no one has control, but then sense that someone else has it that's not you. I still itch at the idea of portals. And now, mostly, it's the idea of leaving here as quickly as I came, without any sort of warning.
What's dark, or your side of things?
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The dark side...knowing I'm just one side of a coin.. Jealousy.. Possessiveness. The sure knowledge of being able to wrest control back, but knowing at the same time that to do so would be to resort to manipulation and emotional blackmail. Knowing what buttons to push on people and knowing how easy it would be to do. To change things.. To give in to fear and hate and vengeance.
I know how easily I could turn into her.. Into Fuamnach.
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Not that I don't adore you just the way you are, because I do. And you'll forgive my curiosity I hope. But if you're so convinced the 'her' is that close to you, that it'd be that easy, what keeps you from letting it happen?
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There are days I don't know. Some days I think that at least then, I'd be free. But then I see how she's twisted and tainted everything good around her. And I look at my boys, and I can't let that be me.
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Those are good reasons though, for not letting go.
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ooc: went for walk.. Showering then will be back on AIM
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