Stripping it to the bones
This is how it is: Fløya can put up nets and targets and pretend to have an archery club and that will also get them monetary support from the county. We can report them to the county for forgery but the county will not want to investigate cus it will force them to withdraw the support and that will lead Fløya to bankruptcy. With all the kids
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Yes that is a good point but not what has happened. Since none of us want anyone to pick sides we haven't talked to the others about what's wrong. Well that's not entirely true...but those few who know hold their tongues and don't side with either. For that I am glad.
Yes I chose this because I couldn't bare the thought of letting it all go to waste. The guys won't truly understand it if I back out but you're right, that's not my problem. In fact I had all but decided to do just that before the meeting, and feeling compelled to rethink that decision made me feel very distressed. I should know to trust my very powerful intuition.
Monday evening I spent a lot of time emptying my head online, in here, on the archery blog, to April. Tuesday I spent at home with Ådne who had a cold...sobbing all day. In the evening it occurred to me that I have been in that very same state each tuesday following archery-mondays since I started going back to the club this summer. It cleared my head something fierceful. I too all of a sudden recognized this feeling, exactly like what I felt while going through the motions with KA. But I was married to him. I'm not married to the club.
I was happy when I was in Lofoten. In fact that week made me realize that I can do this with other people eventually. But Borg is too far off, 8 hours by car. If I do anything towards them it will be occasional classes, nothing more. My escape route would be the crafting section, I would like to do that. But if that doesn't happen, if it all falls to pieces, then so be it.
I've said several times that I'm not going back to the range and then done it anyways because someone has talked me into it. Heck sometimes I've talked myself into it. But I don't want to feel like this twice a month. I don't even enjoy arching anymore because of it...it overshadows every positive emotion I've had with it. I'm throwing in the towel.
Thanks for talking me through this so many times sweetie.*hugs tightly* I love you for it. And for many other things.
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As women, there's a biologic imperative to suppress one's own feelings for the sake of offspring. Which is fine to a point, but eventually we have to send them on their own way, in order for them to grow, in order to grow ourselves. I'm sure you will find another place to shine (if not one so far off as Borg!) and the club will either survive or fail with no blame. It's simply not a viable avenue for you anymore. Situations change and people change... or is it just our perception of them? Whatever the mechanism, I don't think blame is involved.
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I am not their mother yet I have felt the responsibility for them as if I was...not all the time, mostly these past nine months. I do love them. But they have to make it on their own now.
I even still love him...I always will. It's not like I can choose not to. But I can choose not to be hurt to the point of feeling sick. In order not to I have to create the necessary distance between us.
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Just wanted to let you know I support you no matter what decision you make in this.
Sure, there's the club to think about, but that's not your cup of tea anymore, nor your responsibility alone (thank you ami_dessin). Reading your thoughts here affirms that by far. The club will live or die, and that's up to all of us in it, not you alone. As said, I would like to make a little corner for crafting, but it's not my intention to spend much time as archery is concerned - apart from the crafts connected to it and other crafts. The Craft is my ultimate passion and I will make room for developing my own and other peoples skills in it - I'm a tech nut, just what I am! My sole wish as far as the club is concerned is to maintain the crafting aspect and related organizing.
However, can't keep crafting and arching on and just lending attention to the crafting bit - it would require for someone else (preferably several people) to take care of the archery bit. And the club just needs to find the people with the capacity and wish to do that part. I know you don't want to because things are as they are - and no-one is asking you to do that which makes you unhappy (but you seem to have a canny knack for dragging yourself into it sometimes, stop it!).
If your intuition says to stay away from the club, do so. Think about it: We're supposed to be a collection of individuals doing what we like and what makes us happy (therefore I vote for crafts-responsibilities only). If you being there makes you feel ill, the choice isn't hard...
Do what will make you happy. To my (immature, heh, yet not entirely so) mind, you cannot take care of someone else better than you can yourself. See to your own happiness in whatever way you can, so that your sun will shine on all again.
I would suggest arranging a workshop somewhere or somehow He cannot attend, not connected to the archery club.. But then I realized most of us probably want to craft things because we're doing archery and keeping the sense of fellowship from there. It was - but a passing bittersweet dream.
I'll have you out for coffee or tea sometime the next weeks when it suits us both, if you wish to? We didn't have a chance to speak proper eye-to-eye lately. Sadly I find myself sometimes drifting out of touch with several of those I hold dear, and I can't ever seem to recollect just what makes it so.. Must just be scatterbrained, or maybe the fumes from the solvents at work are doing their part..?
Anyhow.. My thoughts there. Take care my friend.
-Elgliad - Demon Hunter of the Lesser Order-
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Thanks for writing all of this, it means a lot to me. I will do what makes me happy, and not anymore that which makes me unhappy. I will resign and leave the club. It pains me but staying would pain me more.
I couldn't attend crafting at Fløya with him there. But I too can arrange workshops...here. I don't want to stop doing it.
Of course I'll have tea with you sweetie. Next week I still got the kids and late shift too. Can you make room the week after that perhaps? Would be good with a long talk. :)
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