a new meaning.
I haven’t updated for a few months.
College isn’t what I thought it to be. The party life, the choice to slack off and coming end of semester the ability to miraculously pass the class----yeah, not happening.
I’ve never felt more lost in my life. I’m so confused on if my priorities are just screwed or if it’s just stress.
I never thought I would lose as much sleep as I have. Studying Biology day and night, really kills me, and the only thing I ever feel like doing is watching a few minutes of TV while resting my body until my eyes can just shut off on there own. My weights fluctuated by taking in food as a source of energy to keep me awake; not to mention the weight gain is another Lego on my unstable little wall that I’ve so rapidly built.
I study as much as I can, day and night, just thinking why things can’t be easier; maybe if they had cd’s that read the stuff to me to give my eyes a break. Maybe even a socket in the back of my head to input knowledge through.
College isn’t what I thought it to be.
I know I want to help people, but I don’t know what I can do.
I don’t want to do pre-med but I do.
I don’t want to do art and business but I do.
Sometimes I wish we had a constructed path so things wouldn’t be so stressful, maybe it’s just me, and maybe I’m the only one that feels like this.
I bombed two midterms.
Tell me, should I be scared of failure as bad as I am right now? I’ve been made a handicap by this, and little by little I’m trying to unravel things to make sense, but I just feel like I’m barely touching any thing that would make everything perfect, the adjustment everyone talks about but I have yet to gain.
In relationships I confuse myself more than anyone can know. I don’t know where I want to stand, because I don’t want to be selfish or I just don’t feel like I need to have that other priority seeing how I can’t juggle the ones I have right now. I kid myself thinking I can have one to ease the stress load, but how would this be for a relationship: a boyfriend that I’d never see because I’m studying or just have something else that’s taking your mind away from school like family. It’s not just boyfriends its even friends that I barely talk to because I can’t seem to find time, and if I do they’re asleep or at school doing the same---and when they try and do the same back to me, it’s the time where I feel like my world’s is just getting to far out of reach, and like I’m detached from reality, causing me to just panic about my status at school and if my choices and actions are the right ones.
Caroline’s back home.
I thank those that have sent me prayers, helped out in the situation one form or another, and have talked to me on numerous occasions on finding serenity within myself; I really appreciated every last bit. So thank you.
Things are really different at the house, but the fact that I know where everyone is, just lets me feel better, even if things aren’t sunny sometimes.
Hopefully things come together really soon.
Maybe things will just get easier in one lucky day.
I don’t know when it’s going to be, but hopefully it’s soon.
For Hallow’s Eve (Saints Day) I think I’m going to go volunteer at an orphanage or a women’s center, it just feels like the right thing to do.
I got to get in tuned with my faith again, I feel myself slipping.
On lighter and brighter notes for those who love baseball such as me: even if we didn’t win the World Series I’m glad that we made. I’m proud of the Astros.