Confessions from the heart
-I love the smell of cigarettes.
-I secretly wish over night I can be pretty.
-I turn to god when I feel there’s no one left to console me---when I feel so low that it’s unbearable to be me much longer. I sit in church wishing I belonged there, I sit in the parking lot and debate if I’m good enough to walk inside---and if god sees me for me, or if he just thinks I turn to him with needs.
-I pray for people.
-I pray for a good head on my shoulders.
-I pray for my sister.
-I pray for each person individually.
-I pray that Luis is ok, and if god wants to he’d bring him back around. If not to be someone important as he once was, but just to have him back around.
-I don’t dress up, because I feel different.
-When I dress up I feel ridiculous.
-I don’t think I’m an ounce of pretty---on rare days, I think I’m ok.
-When I lose weight I gain it back, because I ask myself the question why?, and feel I have to stay ugly as to not impress anyone. (I feel that if someone is to like me, like me for this, and not something I really want to be.) I know that doesn’t make sense, but I feel so ugly. I’m not even lying one bit. I feel like I need to stay like this, because I was such an ugly person, that I just don’t want any hurt----it’s some bad defense mechanism I know.
-I envy my sisters, even my mother, in their beauty.
-Each day, I feel like my future outcome will be some failure.
-I can’t picture myself past 19.
-I have thoughts that the end of my life will come around my twenty’s.
-I don’t want my English teacher to be my mentor anymore, but I’m too nice to say anything---I don’t want her to feel rejected, and even if I didn’t want it bad enough, I still wouldn’t want to have guilt of them feeling bad.
-Sometimes I just lie for no reason, just because something needs to be filled, I honestly think its maybe cause I’m not content with who or what I have?, I’m not sure, it just sounded like that may be the reason.
-I can’t say “no” to anything---I end up saying fine, when I have other things to do, but I hate letting others down, because I want to prove I’m so much more.
-I hate being a liar.
-I can’t stand lying, and when others make me do it, but when I lie I can’t undo the truth, because I can’t stand someone knowing I’m a liar. So please forgive me if I lie to you---it’s because I have too, and if you know I’m lying then please just know it, but don’t rub it in. Don’t tell me ‘well why did you’---I have my reasons, and once I know it’s irrelevant I’ll let you in on the why, I just can’t stand it---I feel unworthy of the friendship.
-My friends mean the world, although I may stop talking to you for a time period, it’s just how I work----we click, then I’m attached to the hip, and then I run off because I so disparately don’t want to have someone that knows me like the back of their hand. I don’t want someone one day leaving me knowing they knew me. I mean I do, it’s just I don’t want to miss them, and miss that part of me----I guess I don’t want to miss anyone.
-Family and friends mean the world to me, so don’t question that, please. I’d do anything to savor a friendship; I just can’t compete with family. Although you can be my best friend, understand that family is always there for me, and you may as well, but if my family sees something bad in you, I promise I’ll try my hardest to fight for you, but I won’t break away from my family. I’ll always choose my family before anyone. That means you can be my soul mate but if my little sister feels you are in some way a bad person, I’ll drop you out as fast as a kid from Lee. I know that’s wrong on me, and it may be their mistake, but understand, family is just that.
-Whenever I like someone, I only like them. I’ll never date them. Never really talk to them, and that’s just how I am.
-Every guy that I’ve cared for, I care for. I never thought I’d care for them, but I know once I have the first laugh with them that there will be many more to come, and I have no regrets, and I pray for their well being.
-I love Galveston. Something about it makes me feel like I’m free.
-I miss a certain friend, but I block them out because my family doesn’t approve of them, and for that I’m sorry.
-I love how people smile.
-I like watching people----so if I’m starring, I’m not a lesbian, I’m not infatuated with a certain guy, I’m not perverted----I just like to watch people interact, or just be them. I’m just fascinated by little things.
-I want to find out how many people are having sex at a certain age, so I’ll play into them and tell them what they want to hear to find out why, and how to educate them about their future and birth control----you may find that stupid, but if only you knew people at my school, and when they are having it----you’d understand.
-I like the feeling of doing a good deed.
-I like to think that if I smile, I’ve made someone’s day.
-I hate screaming for no reason.
-I hate the look of disappointment on a person’s face.
-I enjoy helping special people.
-I love talking to people that are in need, or just need a friend.
-I cry when I’m mad.
-I cry when someone’s hurting.
-I feel obligated to help.
-I feel like a lot of things are my fault and that if I’d done one thing different I could have helped.
-I can’t hate anyone.
-I talk to myself.
-I guess a lot of the musical lyrics.
-I notice a lot of things, and believe them to be coincidences----I tie them into memories, and believed they were done to remind me of a certain thing.
-I don’t like asking my father for money or anything in general, because I feel like a burden. I never ask him for money, and often I feel bad for taking it.
-Where I end and you Begin by Radiohead can be played a thousand times on repeat and I’ll think of the same thoughts.
-I dreamt last night but can’t remember of what. [I think either a persons dream is created when you are awake---those quick seconds where your eyes are open but you are mentally up in running, then three seconds later your eyes open---or you are actually dreaming the things in your head, but you make up certain things to tie them together.
-I vary rarely remember my dreams, and I believe the ones I believe to be reoccurring, are just thoughts that are rethought.
-I remember my thoughts after I’ve had them.
-I never want to dress up, because I don’t feel like I belong in decent clothing because I don’t feel apt for it.
-I don’t wear makeup or any things affiliated with girls, because I don’t want another reason to be looked at.
-I’m thinking of a way to talk to one of my friends tomorrow (I just reintroduced myself----I was friends with his older sister and him in grade school, but he forgot me----) I want to go in the special ed room and be a visitor on a daily basis, and be someone he can befriend in the school.
-I feel like a better person when someone smiles.
-Sarah McLachlan has one of the most touching voices, I can think of.
-I love the scent of my mom (with or without perfume)
-I like the way my dad reminds me of why I love to be me.
-I love when Caroline shows me off, or hugs me.