These days are like fireworks
Yesterday, I wandered around the botanical gardens, and just made it into the zoo before they closed the gate. It was practically deserted, and for the first time I was able to quietly take moments to reflect upon myself. Zoos are nice places for things like that, when they're quiet, and no one but the animals are listening to you.
Today, I ran 3/4 a mile, then walked to four different bookstores. It took well over three hours, but I had the time, and decided that I didn't need to waste extra hours, or pretend I was in some sort of hurry, when I had time to be leisurely. These past two days I've learned a lot about myself. When Megan's away, I've usually spent my time sitting around and thinking about how much I've ruined the life we could have had. I've realized that, no matter what happens, we still have life, and I still have life, and there's no reason I should sit and think when I could go out and experience it. A friend of mine gladly pointed out that, yes, regardless of how pitiful I thought OKC was, there were still plenty of things to do to keep myself occupied. I shouldn't let myself glaze over completely from all of this.
So I got up. I got moving. I've applied at two places to work so far, and have an application for a third that I'll be turning in after Memorial Day. If none of it is a go, I'll call the places to which I applied last summer. If that is a no go, it's up to Edmond to apply at the Sushi restuarant. I've just got to get off of my ass and start moving. Start doing things.
I'm also going to apply to volunteer for Best Friends of OKC, a pet shelter, and volunteer as a team captain for the AIDS walk in October. It's not that I just need to get up and get out, I need to start doing things that represent all the things I've thought I stood for. I don't stand for them if I'm not acting for them!
I went to four different bookstores today to find myself a journal that was just the right size. I'm planning on compiling a memoir soon, and I wanted a journal to be specifically for that. I need to start writing. Little by little, it's starting to come back. I'll wait and see if it's done any morphing while it was gone. That often happens.
Regarding the memoir, I took a leap back in time to visit old posts from this journal. How bubbly I used to be. Reading that old optimism, remembering my naivete, I realize that that is what I've been trying to recapture, partly, all these years. Yes, I was disillusioned by the world, and yes, I'm no longer naive, nor do I want to be so... but that optimism, that happiness, it's eluded me far too long. I've always wanted to be the one to make people happy, and recently all I've done is ruin peoples' lives and make others miserable. That's not me... and it should never have been me. I need to bring the happiness back. I need to find myself again, and find my own happiness again. I don't know what any of that means, still, but I know I won't find anything by sitting around all day and thinking about how much I've ruined things.
Also, re-reading old posts makes me miss my mother... and I can't help but wonder what she'd say that might encourage me right now.
Today, I ran 3/4 a mile, then walked to four different bookstores. It took well over three hours, but I had the time, and decided that I didn't need to waste extra hours, or pretend I was in some sort of hurry, when I had time to be leisurely. These past two days I've learned a lot about myself. When Megan's away, I've usually spent my time sitting around and thinking about how much I've ruined the life we could have had. I've realized that, no matter what happens, we still have life, and I still have life, and there's no reason I should sit and think when I could go out and experience it. A friend of mine gladly pointed out that, yes, regardless of how pitiful I thought OKC was, there were still plenty of things to do to keep myself occupied. I shouldn't let myself glaze over completely from all of this.
So I got up. I got moving. I've applied at two places to work so far, and have an application for a third that I'll be turning in after Memorial Day. If none of it is a go, I'll call the places to which I applied last summer. If that is a no go, it's up to Edmond to apply at the Sushi restuarant. I've just got to get off of my ass and start moving. Start doing things.
I'm also going to apply to volunteer for Best Friends of OKC, a pet shelter, and volunteer as a team captain for the AIDS walk in October. It's not that I just need to get up and get out, I need to start doing things that represent all the things I've thought I stood for. I don't stand for them if I'm not acting for them!
I went to four different bookstores today to find myself a journal that was just the right size. I'm planning on compiling a memoir soon, and I wanted a journal to be specifically for that. I need to start writing. Little by little, it's starting to come back. I'll wait and see if it's done any morphing while it was gone. That often happens.
Regarding the memoir, I took a leap back in time to visit old posts from this journal. How bubbly I used to be. Reading that old optimism, remembering my naivete, I realize that that is what I've been trying to recapture, partly, all these years. Yes, I was disillusioned by the world, and yes, I'm no longer naive, nor do I want to be so... but that optimism, that happiness, it's eluded me far too long. I've always wanted to be the one to make people happy, and recently all I've done is ruin peoples' lives and make others miserable. That's not me... and it should never have been me. I need to bring the happiness back. I need to find myself again, and find my own happiness again. I don't know what any of that means, still, but I know I won't find anything by sitting around all day and thinking about how much I've ruined things.
Also, re-reading old posts makes me miss my mother... and I can't help but wonder what she'd say that might encourage me right now.