I used to be so blind....but now I can see you. Adios!
I think it is about time to get this LJ journal entry over and done with because I need to focus my time on bigger and better things (like preparing for my next job interview with a large Publishing firm).
I still don't fully know what happened in my relationship with this woman. One month she's telling me she "loves" me, the next month she's off running with some bloke that she always had a crush on. Until that point when she's running off with someone else, I'm trying my damn best to get her to even speak to me but for nearly two whole months she acted like a complete CUNT towards me. She ignores me (while talking to this guy) and then she acts like a coward by breaking up with me via text right when she KNOWS that I'll be flying there. What kind of cowardly shit is that? Why couldn't she just wait till I was there and do the honorable thing and tell me in person that she's leaving me for someone else? It is because she has a habit of running away when things are too hard for her -_- It is a sad habit that she will most likely continue....never properly finishing anything, even relationships. You'd figure that 7 years of friendship would have at least warranted that small courtesy but alas no....I'm about at relevant to her as some piece of garbage on the street. That's fine, one person's trash is another person's treasure D. Btw, that little "stunt" that you wanted to pull on me, where you and Khai were going to "meet" with me (I'm glad I didn't go, even though I had the goodhearted intention of going to pick up my packages because they were kinda heavy) when I was gonna pick up my things was a truly sad, sadistic, petty action to do. I'm sure even Jasmine was shocked by your belligerent action. I never would have guessed that you would sink that low in your vindictiveness as to want to hurt me by showing up with your "new" man in tow. I don't even know what to say to that, but I will point up towards the word written in boldface. That is sufficient.
I do know one thing; it is that I find my life is much better without her. Ever since I was discarded like a piece of trash, I've realized that her leaving me for Khai was not a negative life experience but a true blessing in disguise. This is because my love had blinded me to the truth.
The truth being that this person did not make me feel good about myself, she never committed herself to me the way I committed myself to her, she only added to the stress in my life by shouldering me with her problems and she basically wasted my time because I always gave mine thinking that it was worth something...but it wasn't. In short, she didn't ADD anything to my life, she just took and took. For all of her complaining about me, I wonder if she ever mentioned that I would stay up all night (even though I'd have work and school) helping her with her work? Or when she was "bored" I'd neglect my own work to talk to her. I wonder if she mentioned that I would send her materials (like pop-up books) to help her with classes? Would she ever mention that I would at any moment's notice...drop what the fuck I was doing so that I could give her my ear? I never told her this but yes, this affected my grades, but I didn't care about myself...I GAVE all of myself to this woman and whenever I'd ask for the same in kind, I'd ALWAYS get shit from her. I was a fool to think that she would give up her selfishness for anyone, least of all me.
Anyway, what is amazing is that ever since I have had this person out of my life, I've been surprised to find out that life didn't "end." It only got BETTER! I no longer feel any self-loathing...I have my self-confidence back! I no longer have that nervous habit of biting my fingernails (they are grown and well-maintained...this is actually a serious thing because for the first time in years, I haven’t been tempted to bite them out of anxiety!), I'm getting back into top shape and getting my energy level back, I'm finding out (again) that women (and people in general) find me to be an interesting individual and finally.....I'm finally enlightened to the truth that you should NEVER let a person control you......I don't care if they have a great ass or if they have a beautiful smile...if they have a rotten soul, don't even give them the fucking time of day. I'd rather have a person with a good heart than someone who may look better any day. All I want is a good heart, reciprocity, and maybe a pretty smile (ok, so I'm a sucker for a nice smile...it is my Achilles heel)...I hope I'm not asking too much here.
What hurt the most wasn't that she left me for another man, but that she basically spit on our friendship by not even TRYING to mend it when I tried so damn hard to tell her that I didn't want things to come to this. She had the nerve to not only spit on our friendship, but act sadistic and petty towards me every chance she got, even when I was pleading to her (like an idiot) that I wanted to salvage our friendship. At this time, I finally had an epiphany.....I realized that this wasn't the person I "knew" and that things were pointless because she would always be intent on hurting me every chance she got. If she was being a Cunt to me ever since she came back from the Incubus gig in August...then what was the point in waiting for her to change? Why waste any emotional energy on her any longer? From that point on, I decided that I was done with her for good. I didn't even need to "cut" our friendship because it was long over. I stopped replying to her messages; I asked her cousin Jasmine to be a mediator (especially in getting back my possessions) and moved on. I needed to get this toxic individual out of my life and I did. I even went to the extremes of deleting ALL of our emails that we had sent each other ever since 2004...the first year of our friendship. 400 emails....real history that can never be replaced...Gone in a second. I also removed any messages I sent/received from her via Livejournal. I wanted her to know I was serious about deleting her from my life. Hell, even when I mention you, I never even use your name. I always say (to others) "your cousin," "your friend," "your sister."
This is my last message to you Dhaniah (the last time I will use your name). You are right about everything. I never made you laugh, smile, or happy. You never learned a single worthwhile thing from me. I've been the one who has learned everything worthwhile from your invaluable wisdom. I am a horrible person who is full of shit about everything I've ever said and done. I never could have made you happy and I was never worth your time. I was too different from you and things would have never worked. I never could have given you the love and support that you needed. I threatened your "independence."
Now that I've confirmed everything that you want to say about me, now I have done you a favor of preventing you from ever thinking about me again because you will know that you were RIGHT about your decision. Now there is closure. Now you don't have to worry anymore about ever wondering "did I ever complete this break up?" or "was I right?" Believe me, you ARE right and the breakup is definitely complete. You were right about everything and now you are free as well.
I've said what I wanted to say. Now I will say one last thing, stay OUT of my life. I don't want you asking your friends (or mine) about how I'm doing. That is not your concern.
I don't know if there is any possibility of a "friendship" between us. That depends on you. I won't make any effort. I have friends who actually care about reciprocity so if you pick up that trait and even have slight remorse for the way you've acted, then I may think about being friends with you again.
I will forgive you in due time, but not now....not now.
As Forrest Gump would say....That's all I have to say about that.
That's the last I'll mention of D. Sorry to disappoint you if you think I'm going to pine for you. My love and friendship are best given to those who deserve it, not on those who are lost causes.