Go for it, Brain.
Apparently, my subconscious is listening. I have been going through another bout of self-examination regarding my beliefs. I suspect I'll be doing this for the rest of my life, which is appropriate. But it did occur to me lately that Atheism is (in some senses) a lonely route. I think that much of the draw of organized religion is in its sense of community. Not only a place to worship with others, but a communal belief shared by others. There is no church for atheists, or a shared code of beliefs. That's just not how it works. And while I understand that the sense of comfort and community is enough to draw people into a belief, it's not for me.
But my brain decided to pull a fast one.
I was wandering through corridors, initially with no idea of where I was or what I was doing. Then, I entered a room with two others in dark clothes. It still was not clear what I was supposed to do, until I looked down at a suit of black with a clerical collar. I was told that I was to become an Episcopalian minister. (I have NO idea where Episcopalian came from) So, because I was confused and figured I had agreed to this already, I put the uniform on, and went outside.
Two things: First, as I was wandering around outside and being greeted by others, I felt suffused with this sense of belonging, that no matter what happened, these people would be there for me, and more importantly, that god was present and listening.
Second, and completely terrifying was that even though I had not chosen this, and had no idea what I was doing, after a little while of people paying deference and trying to get me to listen to their problems and bless them, I felt the stirrings of power. And for just a moment, I was a little drunk on it. These people wanted me to lead, and to absolve them. They thought that I was the person to look to for guidance. (I know. Scary.)
I woke up after that, and it has taken me a couple days to wade through it. I think I was being presented with the quandry of relative isolation and occasionally powerless feelings associated with truly thinking that God as we see it does not exist. It's like I was asking myself, "Is this what you REALLY think? Because it's a difficult route to choose."
I am also comforted by the horror I felt at embracing a power over other people's souls. That shit is NOT for me. But it did hit home in a visceral sense exactly how easy it would be for a person (any person) to take advantage of handling the private and intimate feelings and needs of others. Not a huge stretch to understand how easily that power is abused.
In the end, I woke up and had to answer to myself. I choose this way of life because it is what I truly think, and not a default. I am prepared to have to find peace with the world the hard way; on my own.
Take that, subconscious.