Wow...I feel.like.a.whore..............
**Forewarning: Most of you reading this know me as well as I've let you know me. A lot has come out in this. And if you think differently of me for it, so be it, but please do not come down on me for it. It's just me being 100% honest for the first time in a very.long.time.**
I wrote a letter...and in writing it, things come out of my hands...and out of my mind...that I never really thought of until I wrote that letter....and wow...I'm just...yea...ever wrote something that made you reveal something about yourself you never thought of and now you feel shitty for it?...Yea, that's me right now...
I have a big apology to make, so bear with me because I'm all jumbled so it will probably be super confusing because I don't plan on using much of anything that will reveal more than I'm really able to at this.point.in.time.
First of all, I'm sorry to you...and you know who you are. I didn't give you the attention that I should have. I didn't give us the attention I should have. We weren't really ever perfect together anyhow. You...cheated on me...the first week we were together...and I...I cheated on you..shortly thereafter. So in turn, we weren't really in it for each other, we just kinda stuck it out for whatever reason...that whole not being alone thing rings a bell?...I wasn't looking for a relationship when you came along. I had just gotten out of one...that was hell because he cheated, too. You came along and all of a sudden we were just there, inseparable. I don't really know why we stuck it out. I don't really know why we caused so many issues within each other and ourselves just to get deeper into it and cause more pain. I guess maybe I thought you'd change. I thought maybe I'd changed. I guess the continuous cheating on both our parts was just a way of saying neither of us wanted to be in it, but yet, we stayed just because there wasn't anything better to go home to? *sighs* There's so much I need to say to you, but that I can't because you'll just get pissed and walk away and never speak to me again.
But I want you to know that I did care about you. I just.don't.know.how much anymore. I want you to know that I still think you're a great friend and an awesome person and I think you're meant to do amazing things, but I won't be there to share them with you. We took a break...a long time ago...and it should have stayed that way. I guess I'm saying that while we claim it's a break, we both know it's better if we just leave it at that and never really address the issue again. I mean...it's not like we're even civil to one another anymore anyways. You still care what I do and I still care about what you do, but it's neither of our places anymore. You go your way and your thing and I'll go my way and do my thing and let's just hope we can remain friends in the end.
I want to be honest with you...I do. I want to tell you everything. There's so much I need to say to you and reveal and just completely open up and let it flow, but those things will never...be said to you...hell you'll never read this because I won't let you see it. I fear your reaction because I can't stand to cause you pain. I've seen you cry and it breaks my heart because I know that it was caused by me. I guess maybe I do care too damn much about other people and not enough about myself. Or maybe I just...I don't know. I know I'm rambling and away from the point, but gah! I just want you to know that my heart IS elsewhere and I just...I'm sorry. I should have told you when there wasn't anything left...we should have seen it, but we didn't and I'm...sorry. Tequila reveals some things about you that I didn't really want to face...but I have to and I am...and it's not.easy. And I can't have you by my side for this fight. I have...to do it on my own...finally stand alone and just...do what I need to and be who I.need.to.be. I'm sorry...I can't...I just can't put myself there again...I did it...and I hurt...someone else in the process of that, too...
So, again...and finally, I'm just...sorry...
I said one...long apology...I lied..go figure...I have too many to actually list...
To you...we got involved...because of...a game...that we played together...It was meant to be RP...you took it further...and I told everyone outside of the game that it wasn't anything...because it really...wasn't...but to you being 15 it was something...and while I didn't care for you like that...you cared for me like that...and while I didn't have real emotion for you..what you said hurt me...and cut me...and I'm sorry I ever played with you. I should have cut it off when I realized what type of person you were, but I'm sorry I stuck around because I cared too damn much about you to just let go of it. I cared about you as a friend and now...we don't even talk anymore. You talk to my sister...you've had the hots for my sister since you met me...and yea...she's jailbait...and yea...I would report you...because you're a sleazeball. You're only after one thing...S.E.X. Yea, I said it...so grow up..and good luck with your rap career...it won't.happen.
To you...You knew I had a relationship here, in, MI, but you thought I was with that guy...ig...from CA. I wasn't...I couldn't be...that's just...no. You fell for me, too. I don't understand why..I just played some stupid hunter and had fun. But you had another gal...who was also a hunter ig...and you two had been together for like a year, but then you two broke up and you trailed after me and she trailed after you and it was this really weird, love triangle, threesome thing I really didn't want to be a part of. I'm sorry that I pushed for us to spend time together. I needed a friend and you helped me just get away from my real life shit and you opened my eyes to so much and I just want to thank you for that. And I'm sorry that I took you away from what your heart wanted...I never.meant.to. I don't think...*sighs* I do still care about you. And I miss you. There. I said it. I miss you. I miss talking with you. I miss the stupid goofy talks and fights we had over stupid bs that actually meant nothing. So there it.is. My apology to you.
And my final and what I believe should be the most important one...is to you...my current...I...can't even put a name to your face or a title to what you are...because you're...just...everything...
I did wrong by you. I shouldn't have gotten involved when I did...I wasn't...supposed to even.be.there. I wasn't.supposed.to.even.do that....I sent a stupid message and you responded...and came to my aid. You opened your heart to me and just listened while I cried and spilled what seemed like my entire life into your lap. You pulled me into your arms and you just...were there...like it was something you were supposed to do. I don't think I've ever really gotten over that initial shock of someone taking care of me for once. I guess I had this mindset it'd be what you were meant to do and would continue to do. I never knew that I would actually fall for you. You said I love you...I said it back...I don't think I really meant it when I said it, but I didn't want to push you away by not...responding. That was wrong.of.me. I don't.really.know. when I fell for you. We don't even have a date for when it all happened. We still playfight over when it was. I think.I.used.you. That just.sounds.so.God.awful...
(I'm such a horrible person). All these things I...said...I'd never do...I have. I-I-I can't even remember who I was before the last 2 years. Is that a bad thing? I can't remember before that. I feel like everything is all lies and sneaking around and betrayal and...I'm.not.like.that. What happened to me? I'm ruining your apology...again...I'm sorry...
I think you helped me become slightly stronger and move away from what I was involved in, but I still was doing wrong by you. I was still with.him. I was...I...was with...someone else, too. I am revealing so much and not revealing it all. What will people think of me after this point? That's not important. Offtopic, damnit. Sorry.
You're like the best friend I've never had. You're just always there. You listen, you deal with it, you take it in and you still see me as this perfect angel from Heaven. How? How can you look at me with those big color-changing eyes and still tell me that I am perfect after all that I've done? I wish I could tell you it all. I wish you could see...how evil.I've.become. I thought.I was better...but I wasn't...I've done...so much wrong...to so many people.
How...did I...get like this? I lied about him. I lied about the other guy. I lied about the other one, too. None of it was...physical. It was.all.internet. *puts head in hands* I can't.do.this. If I reveal this all. It will.be...over...entirely...with...most of the people in my life. I...need to see a therapist. I think I'm absolutely fucking royally nutso. I don't know what to do or how to say this to anyone, at all. I never really.thought.about it until now. And...I'm absolutely fucking insane and I deserve to be put in a padded room in a jacket that I can't move in...for the rest.of.my.freaking.life.
I've never let anyone so close to me. I've never told anyone anything about what I've done to people in my life. I-I-I don't even want to think about it...it makes me sick to my stomach. How could I? And now I'm...and you're...*shakes head* Why do I bother? I don't believe I've ever truly told you what's gone on. The email.you.found.wasn't there.on.accident. I knew it was there. I just didn't want you to...hate me...forever. Because it was.your.friendorwhateveryoufuckingcalledhimatthattime. I didn't start.anything.I just. It.just.happened. I.don't know what to say or how to say this. At this very moment you're texting me asking me what's wrong because you always know when something's up. How do I talk to you...and tell you...all this...in a half hour and pretend like I'm fine? I can't. You're going to hate me. Everything is going to be cancelled. We won't even talk after you read this...for that I am sure of.
The other one you hated so much...you knew...you just never said a thing, didn't you? You knew about it and that's why you hated him so much. Maybe this is to get back at you? For the pain I felt? But why...what right do I have to get back at you...for...anything? I--did wrong by you...first, did I not? Didn't I cause...I did...there's nothing...I was...just...I am...wrong. And the one that I told you about...messages...high school... answer...yes. That happened too. I know you hate me at this point and I'm sorry. I never thought...I don't know how...what is it with me? I'm like the ice queen of like the fucking world or somethingfuckingstupidlikethat.
Most of you will read this and be completely in shock and probably hate me and think I'm scum...so be it. I'll say I don't care and honestly I don't. I've gotten very good at lying...and I'm not proud of it...so if you want to beat on me for it, please shove it up your ass. I beat myself up on my own very damn well on my own in case you haven't noticed.
I'm a flirt. And it shows...to everyone...and people.take.it.wrong. But I like...the attention...I think...I guess?...Maybe? It's all I've ever gotten in my life it seems...was that.kind.of.attention. So..that=love...or something in my stupidfuckingtwistedpsychoticmind. I wrote about all the things that happened to me so you know all that...I've told you blatantly in an im and emails and...look what I do. I put myself back in that place and be a slave to whomever needs it at that time. I'm.a.whore. I used to be teased about it in h.s. because I had so many guy friends, but...I actually became one. I can't.reveal.those.people. I won't.do.that. This is...what I have done. They knew. The didn't care. I was.too.old.to be doing that...why would I? Why have you? What the hell is wrong with me?
I want you to know the first time we did.that. was the most incredible feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I want you to know I've never.felt.that.way before. And even when you're not.here.I can feel you.and it's...utterly...amazing. I..don't remember the last time my heart pumped like that. I don't know if it ever has. I don't remember my first kiss very well except it was with the guy behind my house that I was like in love with for years until I moved to Swartz Creek, but ours...was...better than that. When you were here, I can't remember anything, but your face and your sincerity and how badly. I wanted to keep you from going back. I don't think I ever told you how much it hurt me when.I.pulled out of that parking lot that day. I don't think I revealed to you.how torn I was about everything.from.the.moment you walked into my life. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to tell you that you were my first for a lot of things and people don't consider firsts after your firsts to be your firsts and well, they're wrong.
Yes, I'm a bitch. Shoot me for it already, okay?
I wonder if I'm going to hell for all of this. I don't want you to hate me. It's the last thing I would ever want. But I want to start anew, but how can I erase two years? How can I backtrack through all of that and pretend there never was a trail here? For to do that, I lose...that one...week...where everything was.perfect. You were...you are...my everything...and I don't.know.what.to.do.about.it.
Am I scared? Is that why?...No...that's not a reason. That's an~excuse~. I don't like~excuses~. They make me puke. Yes, quite literally. I wonder if you'll be sick when you read this...and know...all that I've done... that I wasn't...that I'm not...I'll never be...I don't know anymore. I'm just...fuckingsorryIkeptyouaroundafteryousaidthatIshouldnt, ok? You told me to listen to you, I told you no. I pushed and I pushed for what reason? To drag you down likeeveryotherfuckingpersoninmylifeI'vefuckedover. And dig yourfuckinggraveforyou.
*Ignore my freaking twenty something words. I do it because I want to and can and it makes me warm inside, well not really...but it helps...sorry if it hurts your eyes to read it*
I'm just...sorry...and nothing I say will every be able to repair the damage you're about to receive. Here's a shield and a lock...and the key...to keep me out...permanently...and no...I didn't make a copy of this one this time...I swear...you can tear apart everything to find it, but it won't be there...because I won't drag you back into this hurricane I call my life...so please...take it...and go...before I do more damage...and ruin you...for any other woman to see the good in you...and how...wonderful.you.truly.are.
I'm....
Sorry...
Forever...
Sorry...
ILYAAF...I swear it...across my heart...burned into...my heart...
Please...don't...hate...me....
And...please...pick up...if I ever...call...because I fuckedupagainandneedsomeeonetoreassuremethatI'mnotfuckingstupidandinsaneagain.
I wrote a letter...and in writing it, things come out of my hands...and out of my mind...that I never really thought of until I wrote that letter....and wow...I'm just...yea...ever wrote something that made you reveal something about yourself you never thought of and now you feel shitty for it?...Yea, that's me right now...
I have a big apology to make, so bear with me because I'm all jumbled so it will probably be super confusing because I don't plan on using much of anything that will reveal more than I'm really able to at this.point.in.time.
First of all, I'm sorry to you...and you know who you are. I didn't give you the attention that I should have. I didn't give us the attention I should have. We weren't really ever perfect together anyhow. You...cheated on me...the first week we were together...and I...I cheated on you..shortly thereafter. So in turn, we weren't really in it for each other, we just kinda stuck it out for whatever reason...that whole not being alone thing rings a bell?...I wasn't looking for a relationship when you came along. I had just gotten out of one...that was hell because he cheated, too. You came along and all of a sudden we were just there, inseparable. I don't really know why we stuck it out. I don't really know why we caused so many issues within each other and ourselves just to get deeper into it and cause more pain. I guess maybe I thought you'd change. I thought maybe I'd changed. I guess the continuous cheating on both our parts was just a way of saying neither of us wanted to be in it, but yet, we stayed just because there wasn't anything better to go home to? *sighs* There's so much I need to say to you, but that I can't because you'll just get pissed and walk away and never speak to me again.
But I want you to know that I did care about you. I just.don't.know.how much anymore. I want you to know that I still think you're a great friend and an awesome person and I think you're meant to do amazing things, but I won't be there to share them with you. We took a break...a long time ago...and it should have stayed that way. I guess I'm saying that while we claim it's a break, we both know it's better if we just leave it at that and never really address the issue again. I mean...it's not like we're even civil to one another anymore anyways. You still care what I do and I still care about what you do, but it's neither of our places anymore. You go your way and your thing and I'll go my way and do my thing and let's just hope we can remain friends in the end.
I want to be honest with you...I do. I want to tell you everything. There's so much I need to say to you and reveal and just completely open up and let it flow, but those things will never...be said to you...hell you'll never read this because I won't let you see it. I fear your reaction because I can't stand to cause you pain. I've seen you cry and it breaks my heart because I know that it was caused by me. I guess maybe I do care too damn much about other people and not enough about myself. Or maybe I just...I don't know. I know I'm rambling and away from the point, but gah! I just want you to know that my heart IS elsewhere and I just...I'm sorry. I should have told you when there wasn't anything left...we should have seen it, but we didn't and I'm...sorry. Tequila reveals some things about you that I didn't really want to face...but I have to and I am...and it's not.easy. And I can't have you by my side for this fight. I have...to do it on my own...finally stand alone and just...do what I need to and be who I.need.to.be. I'm sorry...I can't...I just can't put myself there again...I did it...and I hurt...someone else in the process of that, too...
So, again...and finally, I'm just...sorry...
I said one...long apology...I lied..go figure...I have too many to actually list...
To you...we got involved...because of...a game...that we played together...It was meant to be RP...you took it further...and I told everyone outside of the game that it wasn't anything...because it really...wasn't...but to you being 15 it was something...and while I didn't care for you like that...you cared for me like that...and while I didn't have real emotion for you..what you said hurt me...and cut me...and I'm sorry I ever played with you. I should have cut it off when I realized what type of person you were, but I'm sorry I stuck around because I cared too damn much about you to just let go of it. I cared about you as a friend and now...we don't even talk anymore. You talk to my sister...you've had the hots for my sister since you met me...and yea...she's jailbait...and yea...I would report you...because you're a sleazeball. You're only after one thing...S.E.X. Yea, I said it...so grow up..and good luck with your rap career...it won't.happen.
To you...You knew I had a relationship here, in, MI, but you thought I was with that guy...ig...from CA. I wasn't...I couldn't be...that's just...no. You fell for me, too. I don't understand why..I just played some stupid hunter and had fun. But you had another gal...who was also a hunter ig...and you two had been together for like a year, but then you two broke up and you trailed after me and she trailed after you and it was this really weird, love triangle, threesome thing I really didn't want to be a part of. I'm sorry that I pushed for us to spend time together. I needed a friend and you helped me just get away from my real life shit and you opened my eyes to so much and I just want to thank you for that. And I'm sorry that I took you away from what your heart wanted...I never.meant.to. I don't think...*sighs* I do still care about you. And I miss you. There. I said it. I miss you. I miss talking with you. I miss the stupid goofy talks and fights we had over stupid bs that actually meant nothing. So there it.is. My apology to you.
And my final and what I believe should be the most important one...is to you...my current...I...can't even put a name to your face or a title to what you are...because you're...just...everything...
I did wrong by you. I shouldn't have gotten involved when I did...I wasn't...supposed to even.be.there. I wasn't.supposed.to.even.do that....I sent a stupid message and you responded...and came to my aid. You opened your heart to me and just listened while I cried and spilled what seemed like my entire life into your lap. You pulled me into your arms and you just...were there...like it was something you were supposed to do. I don't think I've ever really gotten over that initial shock of someone taking care of me for once. I guess I had this mindset it'd be what you were meant to do and would continue to do. I never knew that I would actually fall for you. You said I love you...I said it back...I don't think I really meant it when I said it, but I didn't want to push you away by not...responding. That was wrong.of.me. I don't.really.know. when I fell for you. We don't even have a date for when it all happened. We still playfight over when it was. I think.I.used.you. That just.sounds.so.God.awful...
(I'm such a horrible person). All these things I...said...I'd never do...I have. I-I-I can't even remember who I was before the last 2 years. Is that a bad thing? I can't remember before that. I feel like everything is all lies and sneaking around and betrayal and...I'm.not.like.that. What happened to me? I'm ruining your apology...again...I'm sorry...
I think you helped me become slightly stronger and move away from what I was involved in, but I still was doing wrong by you. I was still with.him. I was...I...was with...someone else, too. I am revealing so much and not revealing it all. What will people think of me after this point? That's not important. Offtopic, damnit. Sorry.
You're like the best friend I've never had. You're just always there. You listen, you deal with it, you take it in and you still see me as this perfect angel from Heaven. How? How can you look at me with those big color-changing eyes and still tell me that I am perfect after all that I've done? I wish I could tell you it all. I wish you could see...how evil.I've.become. I thought.I was better...but I wasn't...I've done...so much wrong...to so many people.
How...did I...get like this? I lied about him. I lied about the other guy. I lied about the other one, too. None of it was...physical. It was.all.internet. *puts head in hands* I can't.do.this. If I reveal this all. It will.be...over...entirely...with...most of the people in my life. I...need to see a therapist. I think I'm absolutely fucking royally nutso. I don't know what to do or how to say this to anyone, at all. I never really.thought.about it until now. And...I'm absolutely fucking insane and I deserve to be put in a padded room in a jacket that I can't move in...for the rest.of.my.freaking.life.
I've never let anyone so close to me. I've never told anyone anything about what I've done to people in my life. I-I-I don't even want to think about it...it makes me sick to my stomach. How could I? And now I'm...and you're...*shakes head* Why do I bother? I don't believe I've ever truly told you what's gone on. The email.you.found.wasn't there.on.accident. I knew it was there. I just didn't want you to...hate me...forever. Because it was.your.friendorwhateveryoufuckingcalledhimatthattime. I didn't start.anything.I just. It.just.happened. I.don't know what to say or how to say this. At this very moment you're texting me asking me what's wrong because you always know when something's up. How do I talk to you...and tell you...all this...in a half hour and pretend like I'm fine? I can't. You're going to hate me. Everything is going to be cancelled. We won't even talk after you read this...for that I am sure of.
The other one you hated so much...you knew...you just never said a thing, didn't you? You knew about it and that's why you hated him so much. Maybe this is to get back at you? For the pain I felt? But why...what right do I have to get back at you...for...anything? I--did wrong by you...first, did I not? Didn't I cause...I did...there's nothing...I was...just...I am...wrong. And the one that I told you about...messages...high school... answer...yes. That happened too. I know you hate me at this point and I'm sorry. I never thought...I don't know how...what is it with me? I'm like the ice queen of like the fucking world or somethingfuckingstupidlikethat.
Most of you will read this and be completely in shock and probably hate me and think I'm scum...so be it. I'll say I don't care and honestly I don't. I've gotten very good at lying...and I'm not proud of it...so if you want to beat on me for it, please shove it up your ass. I beat myself up on my own very damn well on my own in case you haven't noticed.
I'm a flirt. And it shows...to everyone...and people.take.it.wrong. But I like...the attention...I think...I guess?...Maybe? It's all I've ever gotten in my life it seems...was that.kind.of.attention. So..that=love...or something in my stupidfuckingtwistedpsychoticmind. I wrote about all the things that happened to me so you know all that...I've told you blatantly in an im and emails and...look what I do. I put myself back in that place and be a slave to whomever needs it at that time. I'm.a.whore. I used to be teased about it in h.s. because I had so many guy friends, but...I actually became one. I can't.reveal.those.people. I won't.do.that. This is...what I have done. They knew. The didn't care. I was.too.old.to be doing that...why would I? Why have you? What the hell is wrong with me?
I want you to know the first time we did.that. was the most incredible feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I want you to know I've never.felt.that.way before. And even when you're not.here.I can feel you.and it's...utterly...amazing. I..don't remember the last time my heart pumped like that. I don't know if it ever has. I don't remember my first kiss very well except it was with the guy behind my house that I was like in love with for years until I moved to Swartz Creek, but ours...was...better than that. When you were here, I can't remember anything, but your face and your sincerity and how badly. I wanted to keep you from going back. I don't think I ever told you how much it hurt me when.I.pulled out of that parking lot that day. I don't think I revealed to you.how torn I was about everything.from.the.moment you walked into my life. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to tell you that you were my first for a lot of things and people don't consider firsts after your firsts to be your firsts and well, they're wrong.
Yes, I'm a bitch. Shoot me for it already, okay?
I wonder if I'm going to hell for all of this. I don't want you to hate me. It's the last thing I would ever want. But I want to start anew, but how can I erase two years? How can I backtrack through all of that and pretend there never was a trail here? For to do that, I lose...that one...week...where everything was.perfect. You were...you are...my everything...and I don't.know.what.to.do.about.it.
Am I scared? Is that why?...No...that's not a reason. That's an~excuse~. I don't like~excuses~. They make me puke. Yes, quite literally. I wonder if you'll be sick when you read this...and know...all that I've done... that I wasn't...that I'm not...I'll never be...I don't know anymore. I'm just...fuckingsorryIkeptyouaroundafteryousaidthatIshouldnt, ok? You told me to listen to you, I told you no. I pushed and I pushed for what reason? To drag you down likeeveryotherfuckingpersoninmylifeI'vefuckedover. And dig yourfuckinggraveforyou.
*Ignore my freaking twenty something words. I do it because I want to and can and it makes me warm inside, well not really...but it helps...sorry if it hurts your eyes to read it*
I'm just...sorry...and nothing I say will every be able to repair the damage you're about to receive. Here's a shield and a lock...and the key...to keep me out...permanently...and no...I didn't make a copy of this one this time...I swear...you can tear apart everything to find it, but it won't be there...because I won't drag you back into this hurricane I call my life...so please...take it...and go...before I do more damage...and ruin you...for any other woman to see the good in you...and how...wonderful.you.truly.are.
I'm....
Sorry...
Forever...
Sorry...
ILYAAF...I swear it...across my heart...burned into...my heart...
Please...don't...hate...me....
And...please...pick up...if I ever...call...because I fuckedupagainandneedsomeeonetoreassuremethatI'mnotfuckingstupidandinsaneagain.