I never realized gaining so much meant losing out on other things
How do you trust someone when they have already broken it? .... the ever bending question
I use to preach that I don't regret anything, because regretting even the tiniest mistake in the past could have placed me in a whole different world of my own from the one I have embraced... but lately, I don't know, I guess I would like to think that if I had played my cards a little differently, things, if possible, would be better and I would still have what I have now.
After I had Gavin, it seemed like the only future that mattered after that was his. I vowed to God that first time they put him in my arms that I would do anything to protect and provide for him. I want to be a mother 24 hours a day, but I also have to be working and I want to finish school and be Jay's partner, and I thought I had a pretty good swing of things, but this last week made me realize how much I miss everything, like there isn't enough time in the day to be with everything that matters to me. I feel stretched so thin, and I feel like whenever I'm paying attention to one thing, I'm neglecting something else.
I have given up hours and hours of sleep, to be with Jay, to be with Gavin, to be with myself, and I'm worn out so bad that I can't sacrifice the sleep anymore.
I feel like the person though that I'm neglecting the most- is myself. I feel like all I am is a mother and a fiance. I barely feel like a friend anymore because people keep telling, "Don't worry about it, you have a baby now." Yes I do, but I still want to know, I still want to help if I can, I still want to listen. Beyound my family and my friends, I feel like now, thats all there is. School isn't happening right now, I barely write anymore which was my solitude, my self inside myself. Most days my life is so fulfilling and then on those rare days, theres something missing.
I use to preach that I don't regret anything, because regretting even the tiniest mistake in the past could have placed me in a whole different world of my own from the one I have embraced... but lately, I don't know, I guess I would like to think that if I had played my cards a little differently, things, if possible, would be better and I would still have what I have now.
After I had Gavin, it seemed like the only future that mattered after that was his. I vowed to God that first time they put him in my arms that I would do anything to protect and provide for him. I want to be a mother 24 hours a day, but I also have to be working and I want to finish school and be Jay's partner, and I thought I had a pretty good swing of things, but this last week made me realize how much I miss everything, like there isn't enough time in the day to be with everything that matters to me. I feel stretched so thin, and I feel like whenever I'm paying attention to one thing, I'm neglecting something else.
I have given up hours and hours of sleep, to be with Jay, to be with Gavin, to be with myself, and I'm worn out so bad that I can't sacrifice the sleep anymore.
I feel like the person though that I'm neglecting the most- is myself. I feel like all I am is a mother and a fiance. I barely feel like a friend anymore because people keep telling, "Don't worry about it, you have a baby now." Yes I do, but I still want to know, I still want to help if I can, I still want to listen. Beyound my family and my friends, I feel like now, thats all there is. School isn't happening right now, I barely write anymore which was my solitude, my self inside myself. Most days my life is so fulfilling and then on those rare days, theres something missing.