A lot of text you won't read.
Right now I have "Details in the Fabric" from Jason Mraz on repeat. This song is insanely depressing but it makes me want to write. It makes me think. It makes me feel terrible and better all at the same time.
I don't update livejournal ever. I don't know why I'm updating it now. I think because it's here, and it's because right now it feels like a real journal to me. Not just something I'm writing in so I can show off and get responses. Nobody reads this anymore, so it feels more personal. Although that doesn't make sense because I'm trying not to be personal at all right now, I just feel like writing in something that is not Myspace.. and I don't want to handwrite it because I don't think correctly when I handwrite.. I write better when I type.
Just an update, as of May 13th I'm single. It's a long story, but I wanted to write that tid bit in here in case I ever go back and read this so I can remember that day. It's a sad day for me, but it has a lot of meaning. I love Justin, and he's always going to be a big chapter of my life. I miss him more than anything, but we had to do what we did.. and Everything...will be fine(Jason Mraz)
I'm learning new things every day, and in some ways I feel like a new person. It's because I'm alone. I went through a couple of weeks where all I wanted was him back, or someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me things will be okay, I didn't care who it was. (It's called rebounding). I held back and kept to myself, and that was the right choice because now I don't even want to date anyone. At all. I'm tired of depending on a relationship because it's absolutely ridiculous to do that. I realize this now, I didn't before. I thought being in a relationship was something I had to do.. but it's not. I can be on my own, sure I get lonely sometimes, but being on your own is the only way to truly find yourself and learn about yourself. I know that now. I'm not going to lie, I had terrible days where I felt like I wanted to die. I kept saying life had no meaning, that I would be better if I weren't alive.. I then thought of my Dad and quickly realized I didn't want to be him. I'm not selfish and that's the most selfish thoughts you could ever have. I'm just a child going through heartbreak. Losing your first love is never easy, but thinking of ending your life isn't a solution. Things will get better, Jason Mraz keeps telling me this.
The 20th of this month is you know what. Yes you, and only you livejournal. Because this was the first place I updated about it when I found out. My dad died two years ago on the 20th. Do you know, losing a parent is probably the worst thing that can happen to anyone? Even if you aren't close to that person, it's the hardest thing to go through. I don't cry about my dad anymore, but I miss him. I mean, Father's day is Sunday, and I just stared at the Father's day cards and wished I had a father to buy one for. My dad is in a better place now and he's not suffering, depressed or drinking. I'm glad about that, but I miss him. He was so sad and I just wish he could have been happier. I wish he could have left alcohol behind and grasped life by the reins (spell that right??) and rode it until the heavens decided to take him.
I am getting a new tattoo soon. I don't care who thinks it's stupid, but it means a lot to me. I'm getting the words "Life is Wonderful" tattooed on my arm. Reason being - Jason Mraz sings this song, and he is my one true hero. He's my inspiration on life. He is my guiding soul. That song has the most meaningful and amazing lyrics. Please go to google.com and search "life is wonderful lyrics" by Jason Mraz. I swear, every time I hear that song it always puts a smile on my face. It's getting tattooed on my arm because I want the world to see it and ask me what it means, and when they ask I will smile and say "Life is Wonderful, that's what it means.. don't forget that".. I can guarantee I will either get a "you're weird" stare, or a big smile and a lot of respect. Don't take life for granted people, we've only got one of them. I think that's the best advice I can give to anybody.
If it's a broken part replace it, if it's a broken arm then brace it, if it's a broken heart then face it....Hold your own, Know your name, Go your own way. Everything will be fine.
My goodness, this song is so amazing. Everytime Jason says "everything will be fine" I just believe it more and more each time. That's why he's on repeat.
I've considered packing my things and just leaving. Going somewhere where nobody knows me at all. Yeah, I really considered this. Even though I have people here who care about me, and are there for me, I just want to be alone. I don't want anyone to know me anymore. I want to start over.
I also want the exact opposite. (I bet you can't tell I'm confused). I want to learn to be more social, and to talk in groups of people not just sit there like a mute idiot. I used to be so socially active and now my confidence has dropped so exceedingly low it's disgusting. I feel like one of those kids in that commercial who smoke pot and sit and melt in the chair without saying anything. I hate when people think I look pissed, when I'm not I'm just anti-social. I just don't like talking. I like thinking. Not talking. I am scared shitless in a group of more than two people now a days.
My good friends tell me all the time that I'm some wonderful person that I don't see. I mean, I know I'm a good person, I don't do a lot wrong, I usually go out of my way to help people, but I think I'm a terrible friend. I'm constantly forgetting about things like Shari's birthday. What a fucking idiot. I want to smack myself for that. I put so much time into my work now, it's sad. I get up super early, get ready, leave early, stay at work late if possible. Lately I've seriously felt so worn out from working I don't know what I'm doing. Now I just want a day off. But I know on my day off I'm going to want to be at work.
Do you know that my mind just went blank? Writing in a journal really helps soothe your mind of thoughts that are clogging it. I'm glad I wrote this entry, whether people read it or not. It made ME feel better and that's all that matters.
I don't update livejournal ever. I don't know why I'm updating it now. I think because it's here, and it's because right now it feels like a real journal to me. Not just something I'm writing in so I can show off and get responses. Nobody reads this anymore, so it feels more personal. Although that doesn't make sense because I'm trying not to be personal at all right now, I just feel like writing in something that is not Myspace.. and I don't want to handwrite it because I don't think correctly when I handwrite.. I write better when I type.
Just an update, as of May 13th I'm single. It's a long story, but I wanted to write that tid bit in here in case I ever go back and read this so I can remember that day. It's a sad day for me, but it has a lot of meaning. I love Justin, and he's always going to be a big chapter of my life. I miss him more than anything, but we had to do what we did.. and Everything...will be fine(Jason Mraz)
I'm learning new things every day, and in some ways I feel like a new person. It's because I'm alone. I went through a couple of weeks where all I wanted was him back, or someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me things will be okay, I didn't care who it was. (It's called rebounding). I held back and kept to myself, and that was the right choice because now I don't even want to date anyone. At all. I'm tired of depending on a relationship because it's absolutely ridiculous to do that. I realize this now, I didn't before. I thought being in a relationship was something I had to do.. but it's not. I can be on my own, sure I get lonely sometimes, but being on your own is the only way to truly find yourself and learn about yourself. I know that now. I'm not going to lie, I had terrible days where I felt like I wanted to die. I kept saying life had no meaning, that I would be better if I weren't alive.. I then thought of my Dad and quickly realized I didn't want to be him. I'm not selfish and that's the most selfish thoughts you could ever have. I'm just a child going through heartbreak. Losing your first love is never easy, but thinking of ending your life isn't a solution. Things will get better, Jason Mraz keeps telling me this.
The 20th of this month is you know what. Yes you, and only you livejournal. Because this was the first place I updated about it when I found out. My dad died two years ago on the 20th. Do you know, losing a parent is probably the worst thing that can happen to anyone? Even if you aren't close to that person, it's the hardest thing to go through. I don't cry about my dad anymore, but I miss him. I mean, Father's day is Sunday, and I just stared at the Father's day cards and wished I had a father to buy one for. My dad is in a better place now and he's not suffering, depressed or drinking. I'm glad about that, but I miss him. He was so sad and I just wish he could have been happier. I wish he could have left alcohol behind and grasped life by the reins (spell that right??) and rode it until the heavens decided to take him.
I am getting a new tattoo soon. I don't care who thinks it's stupid, but it means a lot to me. I'm getting the words "Life is Wonderful" tattooed on my arm. Reason being - Jason Mraz sings this song, and he is my one true hero. He's my inspiration on life. He is my guiding soul. That song has the most meaningful and amazing lyrics. Please go to google.com and search "life is wonderful lyrics" by Jason Mraz. I swear, every time I hear that song it always puts a smile on my face. It's getting tattooed on my arm because I want the world to see it and ask me what it means, and when they ask I will smile and say "Life is Wonderful, that's what it means.. don't forget that".. I can guarantee I will either get a "you're weird" stare, or a big smile and a lot of respect. Don't take life for granted people, we've only got one of them. I think that's the best advice I can give to anybody.
If it's a broken part replace it, if it's a broken arm then brace it, if it's a broken heart then face it....Hold your own, Know your name, Go your own way. Everything will be fine.
My goodness, this song is so amazing. Everytime Jason says "everything will be fine" I just believe it more and more each time. That's why he's on repeat.
I've considered packing my things and just leaving. Going somewhere where nobody knows me at all. Yeah, I really considered this. Even though I have people here who care about me, and are there for me, I just want to be alone. I don't want anyone to know me anymore. I want to start over.
I also want the exact opposite. (I bet you can't tell I'm confused). I want to learn to be more social, and to talk in groups of people not just sit there like a mute idiot. I used to be so socially active and now my confidence has dropped so exceedingly low it's disgusting. I feel like one of those kids in that commercial who smoke pot and sit and melt in the chair without saying anything. I hate when people think I look pissed, when I'm not I'm just anti-social. I just don't like talking. I like thinking. Not talking. I am scared shitless in a group of more than two people now a days.
My good friends tell me all the time that I'm some wonderful person that I don't see. I mean, I know I'm a good person, I don't do a lot wrong, I usually go out of my way to help people, but I think I'm a terrible friend. I'm constantly forgetting about things like Shari's birthday. What a fucking idiot. I want to smack myself for that. I put so much time into my work now, it's sad. I get up super early, get ready, leave early, stay at work late if possible. Lately I've seriously felt so worn out from working I don't know what I'm doing. Now I just want a day off. But I know on my day off I'm going to want to be at work.
Do you know that my mind just went blank? Writing in a journal really helps soothe your mind of thoughts that are clogging it. I'm glad I wrote this entry, whether people read it or not. It made ME feel better and that's all that matters.