Relationship rant
Haven't had much to talk about this year (evident by the fact that it's been 9 months since my last entry) but I just really need to vent after stuff that happened this weekend. I'm not really looking for anything from this besides just writing down my pain and frustration. Don't feel like you need to comment on it, read it or even acknowledge it at all. This is mostly just my own self-therapy. My point of view will be biased and my own thoughts and feelings about what happened. If you want more to the story, talk with Victoria to hear her side.
As I'm sure you all know, Victoria and I broke it off just over two weeks ago, the main reason being I didn't feel I was getting the attention I need in terms of affection from her. I put a lot of stock in things like snuggles and kisses and stuff and I feel it is a necessity in any relationship. And I wasn't getting anything at all and spending virtually every time after I'd seen her for a two month span driving home crying and feeling miserable. And I got sick of it. I got sick of this seeming never-ending "mood" (her explanation, not mine) of hers and it sure didn't seem like it was going to change anytime soon. I got sick of anytime I'd request a hug or kiss her recoiling from me. And most of all, I was tired of feeling hurt and ignored by her and having to cry on Di's shoulder after I'd see her. So our relationship ended.
Flash forward to Rocky rehearsal Saturday night which was the first time I had been in her presence since our breakup. I knew it was going to be tough on me but seeing her just really shook me to my core. Not helping matters whatsoever was her being brought by a friend of hers who was looking to join crew. And pretty much 90% of her time that night was spent snuggling with him and giving him little kisses and whatnot. In other words, what I had been desiring all along. Had she been doing that for me the past few months, we would still be together and I wouldn't be miserable. But I couldn't get anything due to this "mood." And yet here she is, two weeks after we've broken up doing all this to some guy she's not even dating (to the best of my knowledge). So yeah, that made me just a little bitter.
Then to add a cherry on top to the night, in a completely stunning move, she offers me a goodbye hug. I considered rejecting it but I learned awhile ago that any show of affection or even attention is a blessing and should be treated as such so I took it. But the whole time all I could think was "Oh, now you want a hug? I've only been asking for one for the past few months. Now that we're broken up you decide to give me one? What the fuck?"
So all in all the night was a real downer for me. And yet the thing that I can't let go is that I can still feel that I love her. I'm not sure why exactly but part of me still wants her back. All I wish I could do right now is just put her behind me and bury any loving thoughts I had of her. But I just can't do it. I'm so frustrated right now because I don't know if I should try to get her back or move on. Because while I do love her, I'm also so fucking tired of being hurt. And I know she doesn't do it intentionally but it still holds true that we can't seem to see each other without me leaving in tears. So I don't know what I should do. And by the way, this is not your cue to give me your advice on what to do. Again, this is just me getting this out of my head so I can have something else to think about, not my rough draft for Dan Savage's column. I'm not looking for advice on what to do. I'll ask you for advice in private if I really want it.
I leave you with a song that's been playing pretty much on repeat in my head for the past few weeks.
As I'm sure you all know, Victoria and I broke it off just over two weeks ago, the main reason being I didn't feel I was getting the attention I need in terms of affection from her. I put a lot of stock in things like snuggles and kisses and stuff and I feel it is a necessity in any relationship. And I wasn't getting anything at all and spending virtually every time after I'd seen her for a two month span driving home crying and feeling miserable. And I got sick of it. I got sick of this seeming never-ending "mood" (her explanation, not mine) of hers and it sure didn't seem like it was going to change anytime soon. I got sick of anytime I'd request a hug or kiss her recoiling from me. And most of all, I was tired of feeling hurt and ignored by her and having to cry on Di's shoulder after I'd see her. So our relationship ended.
Flash forward to Rocky rehearsal Saturday night which was the first time I had been in her presence since our breakup. I knew it was going to be tough on me but seeing her just really shook me to my core. Not helping matters whatsoever was her being brought by a friend of hers who was looking to join crew. And pretty much 90% of her time that night was spent snuggling with him and giving him little kisses and whatnot. In other words, what I had been desiring all along. Had she been doing that for me the past few months, we would still be together and I wouldn't be miserable. But I couldn't get anything due to this "mood." And yet here she is, two weeks after we've broken up doing all this to some guy she's not even dating (to the best of my knowledge). So yeah, that made me just a little bitter.
Then to add a cherry on top to the night, in a completely stunning move, she offers me a goodbye hug. I considered rejecting it but I learned awhile ago that any show of affection or even attention is a blessing and should be treated as such so I took it. But the whole time all I could think was "Oh, now you want a hug? I've only been asking for one for the past few months. Now that we're broken up you decide to give me one? What the fuck?"
So all in all the night was a real downer for me. And yet the thing that I can't let go is that I can still feel that I love her. I'm not sure why exactly but part of me still wants her back. All I wish I could do right now is just put her behind me and bury any loving thoughts I had of her. But I just can't do it. I'm so frustrated right now because I don't know if I should try to get her back or move on. Because while I do love her, I'm also so fucking tired of being hurt. And I know she doesn't do it intentionally but it still holds true that we can't seem to see each other without me leaving in tears. So I don't know what I should do. And by the way, this is not your cue to give me your advice on what to do. Again, this is just me getting this out of my head so I can have something else to think about, not my rough draft for Dan Savage's column. I'm not looking for advice on what to do. I'll ask you for advice in private if I really want it.
I leave you with a song that's been playing pretty much on repeat in my head for the past few weeks.
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