(no subject)
I posted yesterday, but feel compelled to write again. It does help for me to write things here; it prepares me for the much heavier, more difficult writing I have to do for work. My brain is tired today and so are my ears. One of my ears is hurting and I cannot wear my hearing aid. Since only wearing one is strange and feels unbalanced, I took them both out. It also gives my brain a rest-it is overwhelmed with sounds right now. I did not have any time to rest this weekend, with my 2nd job and Sunday being spent with family the entire day. Luckily, I do not need to hear for this job, which is a huge blessing, and no one is ever weird to me. I explained to my boss that I was going to be "deafer than usual today" and we both chuckled. I think the office may be getting more used to my humor about my hearing loss- a few jokes have elicited sympathy rather than laughter, but I am sure that will change as everyone gets to know me. The last thing I want is sympathy; I am very capable.
I am currently working on an article for our blog and it is dealing with theological stuff that is very difficult. I have to give my ears a rest for my brain to work. It is very strange that it works that way, but I have gotten used to it at this point. The sedatives I was on for years, I am sure, are partially to blame for this neurological difficulty. I have read information that supports the idea. I also had neurological issues to begin with-my hearing loss is nerve damage.
Alessandro sent me an email this morning saying he hopes we can put the past behind us and be friends again. I have not heard from him in almost a year. I do not harbor hard feelings for him. I can hold on to anger for years, but he did not do anything to make me that angry. Our issues were pretty trivial in retrospect. They weren't at the time. But they are not something I would ever be angry about for the rest of my life or even for years afterwards. The problem is, I am still in love with him, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have been in love with him for 4 years about. It does not seem to be going away. I try to ignore it. I do not know if I can be friends with him, honestly. His writing to me has sparked a bit of hope in my heart that it could ever be the same between us again, and I doubt that it ever could. Also, I believe he is seeing someone else, but I am not sure. I hope that he realizes that I cannot be good friends with him again if this is the case. I will have to tell him, simple as that.
LATER: It has been several hours since I wrote this. I no longer am so affected by the email. Only in my imagination would things ever be as they were. I have a new life now, anyway. The difficult theological article I am writing has been somewhat resolved as well- I am going to write shorter, more concise articles that are culled from the longer one. So I will have some shorter blog posts of interest-more tailored to the general public, and the longer, more erudite one for whomever is interested in it.
I am currently working on an article for our blog and it is dealing with theological stuff that is very difficult. I have to give my ears a rest for my brain to work. It is very strange that it works that way, but I have gotten used to it at this point. The sedatives I was on for years, I am sure, are partially to blame for this neurological difficulty. I have read information that supports the idea. I also had neurological issues to begin with-my hearing loss is nerve damage.
Alessandro sent me an email this morning saying he hopes we can put the past behind us and be friends again. I have not heard from him in almost a year. I do not harbor hard feelings for him. I can hold on to anger for years, but he did not do anything to make me that angry. Our issues were pretty trivial in retrospect. They weren't at the time. But they are not something I would ever be angry about for the rest of my life or even for years afterwards. The problem is, I am still in love with him, and there is nothing I can do to change that. I have been in love with him for 4 years about. It does not seem to be going away. I try to ignore it. I do not know if I can be friends with him, honestly. His writing to me has sparked a bit of hope in my heart that it could ever be the same between us again, and I doubt that it ever could. Also, I believe he is seeing someone else, but I am not sure. I hope that he realizes that I cannot be good friends with him again if this is the case. I will have to tell him, simple as that.
LATER: It has been several hours since I wrote this. I no longer am so affected by the email. Only in my imagination would things ever be as they were. I have a new life now, anyway. The difficult theological article I am writing has been somewhat resolved as well- I am going to write shorter, more concise articles that are culled from the longer one. So I will have some shorter blog posts of interest-more tailored to the general public, and the longer, more erudite one for whomever is interested in it.