Three Words
There are three words that describe my mood and feelings at this moment in my life. Afraid, of to many things to possibly explain on paper much less a screen. Lonely, outside of my family I feel abandoned by so many different people and what makes the feeling worse it that there doesn't seem to be a cause. Sad, so incredibly sad that life has turned into a dull ahze that I wish would just end.
I realize now rather late in my life that I am a very annoying an obnoxius person. I personally find so many faults with myself that I am afriad to think what others really think or feel. I feel like I haven't accomplished anyhting in life, how life for me has been a waste of carbon and oxygen. I am ashamed for not realizing my mistakes in dealing with people sooner when it might have actually made a difference. I alienated half the people who could have helped me and I annoy the toher hafl so much that they don't bother trying they just listen politely and nod their heads.
My existance has been broken down into two levels. Baby, where people liked to look at me and carry me and play with me. Teen, where i have alienated the world and made myself lonely. I find it ironic that I have been complaining so much yet the only thing to complain about was myself. I guess that in my naive skew of the world I was its center and I was its sun, so childish.
Whats even sadder I think is how I pouring myself out on this computer, in this thing which hides my face and my identity, and most people will not understand. At most 10 people will read this post and at most 2 people will answer it, one to say somethign half encouraging to put his own two cents in and another one to mock me and my feelings. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point of looking for someone to be your friend, for someone to talk to. Being the religious person I believe myself to be I imagine that who I need to look for is God,a nd its probably true, but how can I look for God, who is so elusive when i can't find someone to be my friend here in a city of a million people.
Maybe if I rant and rave about politics or write all my posts in beutifull poetry people will listen to what I have to say, but how could they, why would they? Many have told me its because I am shy or becasue I don't go out so much, and yet I ask myself how does anyone expect me to trust others and speak my mind when I am mocked and used by my friends much less people i don't even know. How can I talk to someone I have never met when the preconception others have always given me is that I am ugly, stupid, pathetic, annoying, etc.
How can I have the nerve to even critisize people, how do I have the nerve to bitch and complain? I have the nerve because all my life i have been mocked, I have been ignored, and I have been ridiculed. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of people making fun of me because of my relationship with girls or rather lack there-off, I'm sick of people ignoring what I have to say because I am not a brilliant speaker, or master debater, when they say 'Wilhelm doesn't know what he is talkign about' because it takes me a little longer to speak my mind get what is in my head or my heart across.
One day I will have the courage to confornt people, to meet people, to laugh with people, to enjoy being who I am, my childhood which as blown by me and I have lost, forever because there are no memories to look back on. But right now my courage is so low, my self esteem is so low, due in large part to my so-called friends and their so-called advise and help, that I fear that day will never come, that I will always be who I am today, a nobody, a looser, the brat who sits at the same lunch table. Many people complain about being abandoned by their friends but you know what form what I can tell, be glad you have not gone through what I have, through what I am going through. Soem have the right to critisize me and they know who they are and miraculously those who have the right to critisize never have.
Funny how depressed I am when I am about to graduate highschool, my family is together, and I am going to a good college. But these things mean nothing if no one is willing to be your friend.
Afraid, Lonely, Sad describes who I am today and have been for the past 4 years.
Disclaimer: I do not want to kill myself, I do not despise God, I do not hate my family.
I realize now rather late in my life that I am a very annoying an obnoxius person. I personally find so many faults with myself that I am afriad to think what others really think or feel. I feel like I haven't accomplished anyhting in life, how life for me has been a waste of carbon and oxygen. I am ashamed for not realizing my mistakes in dealing with people sooner when it might have actually made a difference. I alienated half the people who could have helped me and I annoy the toher hafl so much that they don't bother trying they just listen politely and nod their heads.
My existance has been broken down into two levels. Baby, where people liked to look at me and carry me and play with me. Teen, where i have alienated the world and made myself lonely. I find it ironic that I have been complaining so much yet the only thing to complain about was myself. I guess that in my naive skew of the world I was its center and I was its sun, so childish.
Whats even sadder I think is how I pouring myself out on this computer, in this thing which hides my face and my identity, and most people will not understand. At most 10 people will read this post and at most 2 people will answer it, one to say somethign half encouraging to put his own two cents in and another one to mock me and my feelings. Sometimes I ask myself what is the point of looking for someone to be your friend, for someone to talk to. Being the religious person I believe myself to be I imagine that who I need to look for is God,a nd its probably true, but how can I look for God, who is so elusive when i can't find someone to be my friend here in a city of a million people.
Maybe if I rant and rave about politics or write all my posts in beutifull poetry people will listen to what I have to say, but how could they, why would they? Many have told me its because I am shy or becasue I don't go out so much, and yet I ask myself how does anyone expect me to trust others and speak my mind when I am mocked and used by my friends much less people i don't even know. How can I talk to someone I have never met when the preconception others have always given me is that I am ugly, stupid, pathetic, annoying, etc.
How can I have the nerve to even critisize people, how do I have the nerve to bitch and complain? I have the nerve because all my life i have been mocked, I have been ignored, and I have been ridiculed. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of people making fun of me because of my relationship with girls or rather lack there-off, I'm sick of people ignoring what I have to say because I am not a brilliant speaker, or master debater, when they say 'Wilhelm doesn't know what he is talkign about' because it takes me a little longer to speak my mind get what is in my head or my heart across.
One day I will have the courage to confornt people, to meet people, to laugh with people, to enjoy being who I am, my childhood which as blown by me and I have lost, forever because there are no memories to look back on. But right now my courage is so low, my self esteem is so low, due in large part to my so-called friends and their so-called advise and help, that I fear that day will never come, that I will always be who I am today, a nobody, a looser, the brat who sits at the same lunch table. Many people complain about being abandoned by their friends but you know what form what I can tell, be glad you have not gone through what I have, through what I am going through. Soem have the right to critisize me and they know who they are and miraculously those who have the right to critisize never have.
Funny how depressed I am when I am about to graduate highschool, my family is together, and I am going to a good college. But these things mean nothing if no one is willing to be your friend.
Afraid, Lonely, Sad describes who I am today and have been for the past 4 years.
Disclaimer: I do not want to kill myself, I do not despise God, I do not hate my family.