muse_manifesto 05. What is the moment or event that changed your life?
OOC: Yay for topic suggestions being used! That said, this is one that has an obvious answer for Jack but a very difficult way to get it out there. I think I've rewritten it about six times. Hopefully it will do him justice. Obviously, heavy spoilers for the first season of 24.
What is the moment or event that changed your life?
Jack sees everything through the same lens. The same moment from so long ago shapes every single thing he looks at. He knows he does it, and knows he shouldn't do it, but he can't stop that voice in the back of his mind that says any moment could be the next moment that makes it happen all over again.
He tells himself it was the worst day of his life. Singular. But he knows he can't stop another one from coming. After all, it's not as if his job description now is any different than it was then.
There's no small part of Jack Bauer that lives concerned about another long day.
So much can happen, did happen, in twenty-four hours that Jack doesn't remember every minute of every hour anymore. It was almost six years ago and he's never been a man to let anything linger unless something gives him a reason to let it. He closes a case and he lets it go. Except for that day, which played on every last nerve that he had. Not only did it take his knees out from under him, but it devastated the lives of several of his colleagues. His friends. People he felt responsible for.
Even the ones he didn't like all that much.
Jack took one look down at the CTU bullpen floor and cracked the barest hint of a smile. The most of one he could under the circumstances. Nina Myers was a bitter memory in everyone's minds, but at least she was dead now. Years later, he never would have imagined that the one person he'd want by his side at the end of the world was Tony Almeida. The same Tony Almeida who was now CTU's senior field operative, down there running part of the show, and rallying the troops. Their relationship had come a long way.
He couldn't say the same for Jake Hannigan. He'd been more than thrilled to see the hotheaded tactical specialist transfer the next year. If he'd known that it had been Hannigan who had been assigned by Alberta to coordinate base tactical to help rescue Teri and Kim, things might be different, but as it stood, Jack just disliked him completely. The only person who'd missed him had been a woman who didn't work there anymore either.
Jack's team had changed a lot since then. Personnel turnover happened in any business, but it had happened moreso to the men and women of CTU Los Angeles. That always upset Jack a little, because he had handpicked a good deal of his team. Tried to build a team that would last. It hadn't happened. Of the original agent team, only Tony, Jordan Spencer and Stephen Claire remained. Jennifer Hall had quit. Jamey Farrell and a number of others had been killed. They'd gained people like Michelle Dessler, Milo Pressman, and a handful of others, but those people couldn't even begin to imagine what had happened on the day of the California Presidential primary.
He thought now, as he did then, that those people were lucky.
He remembers watching Richard Walsh die. Hearing Nina tell him that Jamey had tried to kill herself, and later, that she had died.
Nina Myers is the reason why Jack doesn't trust anyone the same way anymore. Not even his own people. Those were the words Richard Walsh had used that night to warn him: "Not even your own people."
Only a handful of people on the CTU staff can say they're close to him anymore. Jordan has been with Jack for longer than anyone else. Then there's Tony, and to a lesser extent, Mark Holden, the protective services specialist whom Jack personally recruited and has an immense respect for. Everyone else he keeps at an arm's length. It's not that he thinks everyone is going to betray him, but that he doesn't know how much he's willing to let anyone in, anymore.
That doesn't change that they are his agents, and that he's extremely proud of and loyal to them. He'd stand up for them in any circumstance. This is his team, still. But he's not ever going to be buddies with any of them. She stole something out of him that he's never going to get back. Something that keeps him from letting them get on the inside.
He doesn't know how far inside of him they would really want to see.
Then again, he supposes anyone who survived that day could say that. Each of them gave up something. Each of them lost someone. Each of them has scars from what happened. They have just manifested in different ways, and they've all gone their separate directions. Running from it, or just unable to keep going. No one got out unscathed.
But they all know he's the one who got the worst of it. Even now, to this day, he knows they all feel a guilt complex. They feel like they let him down, by letting Teri get killed. What he doesn't tell them is that he feels like he let everyone else down.
Five years and they're all still trying to make amends for something that is no one's fault.
What are we gonna do now? he thinks to himself, watching his agents on the floor below. This time, when this is over?
They still have the aftermath of a nuclear bomb to deal with. Four more suitcase nukes somewhere in the country. All the terror attacks that Fayed has already perpetrated. The loss of their own agents, including Curtis. He sees it mounting. Jack knows that this is another one of those days. That he's going to have to see how much he learned from the last one. That a whole new team is going to go through hell. That he has to decide, right now, if he's going to live in the past or the present.
What kind of man he wants to be.
It was that day and those losses -- losing his wife, his mentor, his agents, his relationship with his daughter, and so much else that followed -- that made Jack into the man he is today. Dedicated to his work, sometimes cold, sometimes distant, more often than not looking for something which he'll never be able to get back. But as he gets older, he wonders how much different he is from the man he already was. He was already dedicated to his job. Already a lifetime soldier. The only difference now is that he has no escape. Nothing else left, but a bullet and a target.
Nothing else left but what he started with.
There's a knock on his office door, and Jack doesn't look up immediately so all he sees is a flash of brunette hair before she steps into the office. When he turns around, he stares, just a little. She looks so much older than she did two years ago. Still beautiful, in a strange way, but there's the age in her eyes. The same age and distance Jack knows she can see in his own. Because she's known him for a decade.
"Jennifer, what the hell are you doing here?" he asks.
"I heard what happened," she murmured, and when she shifts her bag on her shoulder Jack can tell that she's armed. "I want to help, Jack."
"You shouldn't be here," he tells her. And he knows that's the memories talking. He knows he's pushing her away so she doesn't end up like Teri. Like Jamey. Like Richard. Like everyone else he's already lost. He doesn't want them to get killed, so he refuses to let them get involved. Won't let them help when he needs it. Keeps them away, so he can keep them alive, because he's so scared of losing someone else.
Jennifer frowns slightly. "Jack..."
"...you haven't been an agent in a year. You've said it yourself, that knee of yours is probably only fit for limited field duty. And we'd have to get you up to speed. It's not like I can magically snap my fingers and give you back your badge." He swallows. "I appreciate that you care, but it's not going to work."
"So put me at a desk!" she retorts. "Let me sort the wire reports that come in. Make me Milo's bitch for all I care. These are my friends, too, Jack, and if they're dying I want to be involved!"
Jack stops and just looks at her. And sees the memories of almost six years ago, in bits and pieces, in her. He knows she isn't responsible for any of them but he can't look at someone who was there and not see it. See the scars. See the body of his wife, in his arms, bloodied and broken, in the ITS room...
"Jack..." Her voice is softer now.
He blinks. "Go downstairs and see what Bill wants you to do," he tells her, his voice a whisper in a room that now seems huge.
Jennifer knows better than to argue. She turns and walks out of the office. Jack stays there for a moment, watching her go. He really doesn't care if she's there or not. It will make no difference, not in his own mind. In his mind this is the second day he's been in fear of for all of his life. Ever since the first one happened, he's been tormented by that day, over and over again, in a thousand little things, and he knows he's not the man he used to be.
What matters now is what he does now that it's happening again. If he can look back on this day and see something else. Something that might give him hope.
Muse: Jack Bauer
Fandom: 24
Word Count: 1626
What is the moment or event that changed your life?
Jack sees everything through the same lens. The same moment from so long ago shapes every single thing he looks at. He knows he does it, and knows he shouldn't do it, but he can't stop that voice in the back of his mind that says any moment could be the next moment that makes it happen all over again.
He tells himself it was the worst day of his life. Singular. But he knows he can't stop another one from coming. After all, it's not as if his job description now is any different than it was then.
There's no small part of Jack Bauer that lives concerned about another long day.
So much can happen, did happen, in twenty-four hours that Jack doesn't remember every minute of every hour anymore. It was almost six years ago and he's never been a man to let anything linger unless something gives him a reason to let it. He closes a case and he lets it go. Except for that day, which played on every last nerve that he had. Not only did it take his knees out from under him, but it devastated the lives of several of his colleagues. His friends. People he felt responsible for.
Even the ones he didn't like all that much.
Jack took one look down at the CTU bullpen floor and cracked the barest hint of a smile. The most of one he could under the circumstances. Nina Myers was a bitter memory in everyone's minds, but at least she was dead now. Years later, he never would have imagined that the one person he'd want by his side at the end of the world was Tony Almeida. The same Tony Almeida who was now CTU's senior field operative, down there running part of the show, and rallying the troops. Their relationship had come a long way.
He couldn't say the same for Jake Hannigan. He'd been more than thrilled to see the hotheaded tactical specialist transfer the next year. If he'd known that it had been Hannigan who had been assigned by Alberta to coordinate base tactical to help rescue Teri and Kim, things might be different, but as it stood, Jack just disliked him completely. The only person who'd missed him had been a woman who didn't work there anymore either.
Jack's team had changed a lot since then. Personnel turnover happened in any business, but it had happened moreso to the men and women of CTU Los Angeles. That always upset Jack a little, because he had handpicked a good deal of his team. Tried to build a team that would last. It hadn't happened. Of the original agent team, only Tony, Jordan Spencer and Stephen Claire remained. Jennifer Hall had quit. Jamey Farrell and a number of others had been killed. They'd gained people like Michelle Dessler, Milo Pressman, and a handful of others, but those people couldn't even begin to imagine what had happened on the day of the California Presidential primary.
He thought now, as he did then, that those people were lucky.
He remembers watching Richard Walsh die. Hearing Nina tell him that Jamey had tried to kill herself, and later, that she had died.
Nina Myers is the reason why Jack doesn't trust anyone the same way anymore. Not even his own people. Those were the words Richard Walsh had used that night to warn him: "Not even your own people."
Only a handful of people on the CTU staff can say they're close to him anymore. Jordan has been with Jack for longer than anyone else. Then there's Tony, and to a lesser extent, Mark Holden, the protective services specialist whom Jack personally recruited and has an immense respect for. Everyone else he keeps at an arm's length. It's not that he thinks everyone is going to betray him, but that he doesn't know how much he's willing to let anyone in, anymore.
That doesn't change that they are his agents, and that he's extremely proud of and loyal to them. He'd stand up for them in any circumstance. This is his team, still. But he's not ever going to be buddies with any of them. She stole something out of him that he's never going to get back. Something that keeps him from letting them get on the inside.
He doesn't know how far inside of him they would really want to see.
Then again, he supposes anyone who survived that day could say that. Each of them gave up something. Each of them lost someone. Each of them has scars from what happened. They have just manifested in different ways, and they've all gone their separate directions. Running from it, or just unable to keep going. No one got out unscathed.
But they all know he's the one who got the worst of it. Even now, to this day, he knows they all feel a guilt complex. They feel like they let him down, by letting Teri get killed. What he doesn't tell them is that he feels like he let everyone else down.
Five years and they're all still trying to make amends for something that is no one's fault.
What are we gonna do now? he thinks to himself, watching his agents on the floor below. This time, when this is over?
They still have the aftermath of a nuclear bomb to deal with. Four more suitcase nukes somewhere in the country. All the terror attacks that Fayed has already perpetrated. The loss of their own agents, including Curtis. He sees it mounting. Jack knows that this is another one of those days. That he's going to have to see how much he learned from the last one. That a whole new team is going to go through hell. That he has to decide, right now, if he's going to live in the past or the present.
What kind of man he wants to be.
It was that day and those losses -- losing his wife, his mentor, his agents, his relationship with his daughter, and so much else that followed -- that made Jack into the man he is today. Dedicated to his work, sometimes cold, sometimes distant, more often than not looking for something which he'll never be able to get back. But as he gets older, he wonders how much different he is from the man he already was. He was already dedicated to his job. Already a lifetime soldier. The only difference now is that he has no escape. Nothing else left, but a bullet and a target.
Nothing else left but what he started with.
There's a knock on his office door, and Jack doesn't look up immediately so all he sees is a flash of brunette hair before she steps into the office. When he turns around, he stares, just a little. She looks so much older than she did two years ago. Still beautiful, in a strange way, but there's the age in her eyes. The same age and distance Jack knows she can see in his own. Because she's known him for a decade.
"Jennifer, what the hell are you doing here?" he asks.
"I heard what happened," she murmured, and when she shifts her bag on her shoulder Jack can tell that she's armed. "I want to help, Jack."
"You shouldn't be here," he tells her. And he knows that's the memories talking. He knows he's pushing her away so she doesn't end up like Teri. Like Jamey. Like Richard. Like everyone else he's already lost. He doesn't want them to get killed, so he refuses to let them get involved. Won't let them help when he needs it. Keeps them away, so he can keep them alive, because he's so scared of losing someone else.
Jennifer frowns slightly. "Jack..."
"...you haven't been an agent in a year. You've said it yourself, that knee of yours is probably only fit for limited field duty. And we'd have to get you up to speed. It's not like I can magically snap my fingers and give you back your badge." He swallows. "I appreciate that you care, but it's not going to work."
"So put me at a desk!" she retorts. "Let me sort the wire reports that come in. Make me Milo's bitch for all I care. These are my friends, too, Jack, and if they're dying I want to be involved!"
Jack stops and just looks at her. And sees the memories of almost six years ago, in bits and pieces, in her. He knows she isn't responsible for any of them but he can't look at someone who was there and not see it. See the scars. See the body of his wife, in his arms, bloodied and broken, in the ITS room...
"Jack..." Her voice is softer now.
He blinks. "Go downstairs and see what Bill wants you to do," he tells her, his voice a whisper in a room that now seems huge.
Jennifer knows better than to argue. She turns and walks out of the office. Jack stays there for a moment, watching her go. He really doesn't care if she's there or not. It will make no difference, not in his own mind. In his mind this is the second day he's been in fear of for all of his life. Ever since the first one happened, he's been tormented by that day, over and over again, in a thousand little things, and he knows he's not the man he used to be.
What matters now is what he does now that it's happening again. If he can look back on this day and see something else. Something that might give him hope.
Muse: Jack Bauer
Fandom: 24
Word Count: 1626