Sometimes fires don't go out when you're done playing with them

[ctrlxaltxdelete]

so i have lost a lot of people. and i have gained about the same amount. some would say that evens things out. it doesn't. lately i've been sort of just living to get by because i feel stuck. i'm not going anywhere and i feel as if everything has just stopped and i am the only one who has noticed it. i feel like nothing is changing no matter how hard i try to get out of this funk i'm in. nothing i do seems to work. it's fucking frustrating like you would not believe. i'm not complaining about my life. i have it really good. better than most. but there's something missing that i can't quite put my finger on. and no matter how hard i try to fill that void it doesn't work. i can fill it and fill it and fill it and it just won't stay put. it's bottomless i suppose. or maybe the bottom just always falls out for everything to spill out again. whatever the case, it's getting old. i need something exciting to happen in my life. everyday is exactly the same it seems. i wake up, go to school, go to dance, come home, eat dinner, pass out. rinse. repeat. i don't feel like partying because it's just not appealing right now. i can't meditate because i can't sit still for very long. writing this entry is taxing enough. i just need to find some peace somewhere and lately this valley isn't doing it for me. i need an outlet badly. i miss being at the beach right after a storm. everything seems so clear and possible then. there's nothing that can hold it back. it's like this huge storm hit and the beach was able to just take it and never falter. to have that strength when something is doing it's worst is...beautiful. i can barely handle anything anymore. i am so easily irritated and i find nothing pleases me for very long. restlessness seems to be my curse. i am itching to get away but to where? where can i go to find some solace and enlightenment. i just need a day to sit in the middle of a field or something by myself and just think and question and wonder and BREATHE. i need to discover myself for who i am and not who everyone expects me to be. i just need to be alone for a day. does someone want to take me away to make it happen? doubt it.

depressing i know, but it's where i am right now.
later for that.

peace. love. NIRVANA.