(no subject)
Some days, it's just too hard to deny who I am. It becomes tiresome to hold back my natural tendency to rage and hate. I try my best to be a good person, to hold all that bile behind the walls, and to outwardly project a friendly, hospitable persona. A person that people like to be around.
But sometimes, the floodgates just break and I must be a horrible person for just one day. Just one day where I can hate, spit, curse, and murder. It's unavoidable and I mostly try to be alone on those days. For the first time in a long time, I made a good decision by walking away from my friends, rather than stay with them, foolishly trying to control myself, just to fail and ruin everything.
I think I'm getting better at controlling myself. Maybe I never had a firm grip on it, like I used to think, but that's not important. The present is important, not the past, and I feel like I'm making progress. "Feel" is the imperative part, because I could very well not be making progress and only leading myself to believe that I am. It's hard, nay impossible, to judge your performance in the present. Only by looking back, later on, can we really observe our actions from an objective view.
That's what makes it so difficult for me. I walk the day knowing that I can only view myself and the world through a glass lens. I won't know if what I do today is good until tomorrow. But, I suppose, that at least knowing this is better than not knowing it.
All we can do is take one step at a time.
But sometimes, the floodgates just break and I must be a horrible person for just one day. Just one day where I can hate, spit, curse, and murder. It's unavoidable and I mostly try to be alone on those days. For the first time in a long time, I made a good decision by walking away from my friends, rather than stay with them, foolishly trying to control myself, just to fail and ruin everything.
I think I'm getting better at controlling myself. Maybe I never had a firm grip on it, like I used to think, but that's not important. The present is important, not the past, and I feel like I'm making progress. "Feel" is the imperative part, because I could very well not be making progress and only leading myself to believe that I am. It's hard, nay impossible, to judge your performance in the present. Only by looking back, later on, can we really observe our actions from an objective view.
That's what makes it so difficult for me. I walk the day knowing that I can only view myself and the world through a glass lens. I won't know if what I do today is good until tomorrow. But, I suppose, that at least knowing this is better than not knowing it.
All we can do is take one step at a time.