day 212
Sometimes you forget about how important certain people are in your life until they are gone. And then everything you know comes crashing down on you life a ton of bricks. Not know where to turn or who to talk to because the one person you want to talk to the most is gone. For a minute you try to think about how you're going to move on from death; when reality hits you in the face. The emotions I go through are a roller coaster ride. Right now, I'm angry. I'm angry because I think she gave up. She gave up when there was no need to give up and when in reality there could have been a chance for her. A real chance. Just sayin. And she was selfish. Selfish enough not to let Doctors, some of the best Doctors, do what they were trained to do. Instead she signed a stupid paper and said no. Then walked away from it all.
You ever wonder why it is that people who are in the hospital actually choose to sign a DNR paper? I have sat around and wondered that myself. And the only thing I can think of is that they are too afraid to face life. And in her case, she was afraid to face life. She was afraid that she might fail, when in fact she had won. She had done everything that she ever wanted to do up to that point in her life. She had done what she wanted and didn't let anyone stop her. She was a fighter, but for some reason she just gave up. Right there when we all needed her to fight the most, she gave up.
My only hope is that she found what it was that she was looking for and I can only hope that when she got up there she reunited with some of my favorite people. I'm still trying to understand why good people keep getting taken away from the this world and why people like me are still here. There is nothing that I have done to make me deserving of still being alive...let's be honest. I'm surprised everyday that I am alive. There really is no good reason as to why I still exist.
On the flip side of all that depressed emo shit.
I started to realize all the people that I know care about me and all the people I care about. And I start to realize that there are things in this world to be thankful for. I'm very blessed to be loved by many and for me to love so many. And I am even more blessed to be dating someone who sees me for who I am for once and who encourages me to be a better person everyday I am alive. Not a lot of people can say that they are in a relationship with an equal. And by equal I mean someone who will tell you when you are being an ass but still love you just the same.
So for those of you who read this; I'm just gonna break it down like this. There is shit going on in my life that I don't want to talk about right now. Not sure when I am going to want to talk about it, but for now the people that need to know what is going on in my life know. I'm dealing with things the best I can, but no guarantees I won't bite your head off from time to time. Just know I love you all. :-)
Life will get better and life will start to fall into place. First start, Financial Aide is finally gonna come through with me :-) Lord knows I need it. And now I get to go to school and really get my life started.
Can't wait.
One day at a time. One step at a time. And moment by moment we all learn to live again.
You ever wonder why it is that people who are in the hospital actually choose to sign a DNR paper? I have sat around and wondered that myself. And the only thing I can think of is that they are too afraid to face life. And in her case, she was afraid to face life. She was afraid that she might fail, when in fact she had won. She had done everything that she ever wanted to do up to that point in her life. She had done what she wanted and didn't let anyone stop her. She was a fighter, but for some reason she just gave up. Right there when we all needed her to fight the most, she gave up.
My only hope is that she found what it was that she was looking for and I can only hope that when she got up there she reunited with some of my favorite people. I'm still trying to understand why good people keep getting taken away from the this world and why people like me are still here. There is nothing that I have done to make me deserving of still being alive...let's be honest. I'm surprised everyday that I am alive. There really is no good reason as to why I still exist.
On the flip side of all that depressed emo shit.
I started to realize all the people that I know care about me and all the people I care about. And I start to realize that there are things in this world to be thankful for. I'm very blessed to be loved by many and for me to love so many. And I am even more blessed to be dating someone who sees me for who I am for once and who encourages me to be a better person everyday I am alive. Not a lot of people can say that they are in a relationship with an equal. And by equal I mean someone who will tell you when you are being an ass but still love you just the same.
So for those of you who read this; I'm just gonna break it down like this. There is shit going on in my life that I don't want to talk about right now. Not sure when I am going to want to talk about it, but for now the people that need to know what is going on in my life know. I'm dealing with things the best I can, but no guarantees I won't bite your head off from time to time. Just know I love you all. :-)
Life will get better and life will start to fall into place. First start, Financial Aide is finally gonna come through with me :-) Lord knows I need it. And now I get to go to school and really get my life started.
Can't wait.
One day at a time. One step at a time. And moment by moment we all learn to live again.