It's pointless....
Today is the last day of the Northridge Relays. I run the 1500m at 1:20pm, and then the 400m at 3:00pm. Jacinto had to run at 9:30 and 11:55, so now I'm just waiting for him to come pick me up.
I haven't posted consistantly... nothing post-worthy has really happened. There is a lot that I want/need to talk/rant about... but I don't even know how to begin to start to write about it all. And what would writting do? It doesn't solve anything. It doesn't fix anything. I doesn't make me feel better. If anything, it makes me examine myself closer than I would like to. If I just let my fingers run wild, it seems as if I am put on a microscope and the magnification keeps getting stronger and stronger and I am forced to look at myself. I am a horrible critic of myself. So, sometimes I would rather not write.... but if I don't write, then I don't think. If I don't think... I put blinders on just pretend.
Things haven't been good lately... and I don't know how to fix it. School is going well... I'm doing better than I usually am: getting my work done on time, studying, writing papers, getting good grades on tests, etc. Track has been ok... Stram has told me time and time again that this year wouldn't be fun. I would have many ups and downs as I am just starting out. But for just starting, I am holding my own, and Stram is particularly proud. Family is excellent, and my friends are all great. So what else is there? I miss someone. I miss someone that I should definately not miss. I have tried everything... and it's been.... what? like... 8 months since we have been on good terms. I'm sure I would be fine if I didn't have to see him every other day. I know I have a lot of posts like this.... maybe I should just stop posting. It's something on my mind almost all the time... and it's not healthy. I always see hope... I always stay positive, and optimistic. But as Gifford has said oh-so-many times... I don't give up on anyone. It's my biggest fault. I wish I could be apatheic and not care... it would make my life (and probably the life of others) so much easier! I hear things from friends (and others) that should push me the other way... I even hear things with my own fucking ears that should push me away. So why don't I?!? I'm just frustrating myself. Fuck.. I wish things were simple.
Last night, Dono came up from Oceanside with Mikey, Joe, Blaze and Cody. Jess, Brandi, Rolando, Matt and Sean also came over. We had a good time.... everyone was drinking and acting stupid. I decided to try to go to sleep around 11:30... but didn't end up falling asleep until 1:30. They were LOUD. Usually I don't have a problem sleeping, but jezus!
They are all still out there eating breakfast, so I should go out and socialize. Mindy's girlfriend is also here for the weekend. w00t. I get to hear lesbian sex all weekend. Great.
More ranting probably coming later... if I can get my fucking thoughts straightened out.