FOOD BLOOOOOOG!!!!
I had to come up with something totally easy and unique for a Halloween party this weekend (didn't we all?).
My first inclination was to make a cheese skull or some kind of meat thing shaped like a ghoulish cock or something. Then I remembered the surgery I just had and that neither cheese nor meat are my best friends anymore (nearly fully recovered, btw). So healthy it had to be. I think I died a little on the inside, but ultimately it was for the best.
I still wanted to do something new, but I'm not an experienced cook, and while my imagination is always on full blast, I don't have the internal references to create something so incredibly amazing that people would gasp in horror, even as they are cooing with yum yum noises.
So, when in doubt, keep it simple.
The only thing that sprung to mind was Asparagus. Asparagus looks like fingers. More like finger bones. They had to be fleshed out. Phillo Dough? No. Phuck that. I made Baklava once and while delicious, the dough was crazy delicate. Pastry dough is more forgiving and totally awesome, so there it was. My idea was good enough to be getting along with.
So here's my recipe...
Creature Fingers!
Go to the store and buy the following Items.....
Asparagus
Pastry Dough
Slivered Almonds
Eggs
Butter
Something that you like to dip Asparagus in
Red food coloring
Now that you have all you need, time to wait for the Pastry Dough to thaw.
This is a good time to prepare your dip and wash your veggies thoroughly, and bust the woody ends off. You don't know what filthy third world they came from, or what chemical residue is on them, so make sure you are very thorough. As far as your dip is concerned, try to do better than hollandaise, but whatever you do, dump a bunch of food coloring in it to make it look like bloody goop. I'll tell you what I did, but I'm saving that for the end.
Fuck I forgot to tell you to preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Do that.
After doing that, and maybe watching an episode of the BBC Sci-Fi Comedy "Red Dwarf" (which my gal turned me on to this weekend, VERY clever series), your dough should be thawed and now it's time to get on with the tedium.
See, you have to wrap the asparagus in the pastry dough. It takes forever, and you should use all the pastry dough, and have half a dozen asparagi left over. You'll do this in two batches, or one batch if you have two cookie sheets, which I do not.
Make an egg wash to help seal the pastry if you want, but I did ok just squooshing them together real good. What you REALLY need the egg wash for is to affix the almond slivers to the ends like fingernails. After that, brush them liberally with melted butter and pop them in the 400 degree oven for 15 minutes.
When they are done, pull them out of the oven and let them cool on a cooling rack, or you could just pile them up on a plate. That worked pretty good. They are going to look like swollen fingers with little fingernails, so don't be scared. If you are frightened, just bite the end off after dipping it in your red goo. You'll see that not only are they harmless, they are FUCKING SCRUMSIOUS.
I found a terrific dip that I can recommend, but I encourage you to do whatever you want.
Baconaise. That's really all that needs to be said.
Enjoy them, and make sure you stick an asparagus into the dip and leave it there to make sure people don't dip their cupcakes into it. I say this because it happened, and it was hilareous.
Love you all,
Curtis
[EDIT]
Here, Dear Friends, is the only photograph of my little experiment. Now, before you say anything, this is supposed to be a VEGETARIAN option. Also, the Almond Sliver appears to have fallen off. Gotta watch that!
My first inclination was to make a cheese skull or some kind of meat thing shaped like a ghoulish cock or something. Then I remembered the surgery I just had and that neither cheese nor meat are my best friends anymore (nearly fully recovered, btw). So healthy it had to be. I think I died a little on the inside, but ultimately it was for the best.
I still wanted to do something new, but I'm not an experienced cook, and while my imagination is always on full blast, I don't have the internal references to create something so incredibly amazing that people would gasp in horror, even as they are cooing with yum yum noises.
So, when in doubt, keep it simple.
The only thing that sprung to mind was Asparagus. Asparagus looks like fingers. More like finger bones. They had to be fleshed out. Phillo Dough? No. Phuck that. I made Baklava once and while delicious, the dough was crazy delicate. Pastry dough is more forgiving and totally awesome, so there it was. My idea was good enough to be getting along with.
So here's my recipe...
Creature Fingers!
Go to the store and buy the following Items.....
Asparagus
Pastry Dough
Slivered Almonds
Eggs
Butter
Something that you like to dip Asparagus in
Red food coloring
Now that you have all you need, time to wait for the Pastry Dough to thaw.
This is a good time to prepare your dip and wash your veggies thoroughly, and bust the woody ends off. You don't know what filthy third world they came from, or what chemical residue is on them, so make sure you are very thorough. As far as your dip is concerned, try to do better than hollandaise, but whatever you do, dump a bunch of food coloring in it to make it look like bloody goop. I'll tell you what I did, but I'm saving that for the end.
Fuck I forgot to tell you to preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Do that.
After doing that, and maybe watching an episode of the BBC Sci-Fi Comedy "Red Dwarf" (which my gal turned me on to this weekend, VERY clever series), your dough should be thawed and now it's time to get on with the tedium.
See, you have to wrap the asparagus in the pastry dough. It takes forever, and you should use all the pastry dough, and have half a dozen asparagi left over. You'll do this in two batches, or one batch if you have two cookie sheets, which I do not.
Make an egg wash to help seal the pastry if you want, but I did ok just squooshing them together real good. What you REALLY need the egg wash for is to affix the almond slivers to the ends like fingernails. After that, brush them liberally with melted butter and pop them in the 400 degree oven for 15 minutes.
When they are done, pull them out of the oven and let them cool on a cooling rack, or you could just pile them up on a plate. That worked pretty good. They are going to look like swollen fingers with little fingernails, so don't be scared. If you are frightened, just bite the end off after dipping it in your red goo. You'll see that not only are they harmless, they are FUCKING SCRUMSIOUS.
I found a terrific dip that I can recommend, but I encourage you to do whatever you want.
Baconaise. That's really all that needs to be said.
Enjoy them, and make sure you stick an asparagus into the dip and leave it there to make sure people don't dip their cupcakes into it. I say this because it happened, and it was hilareous.
Love you all,
Curtis
[EDIT]
Here, Dear Friends, is the only photograph of my little experiment. Now, before you say anything, this is supposed to be a VEGETARIAN option. Also, the Almond Sliver appears to have fallen off. Gotta watch that!