Standing Still 15/?
Title: Standing Still (15/?)
Author: CSIGeekFan
Rating: R (Language)
Genre: Drama/Angst
Summary: It's been five years since that fateful day that he walked away from Oakdale. Five years since he had his heart ripped to shreds. Five years since the ultimate betrayal.
A/N: Hallelujah! Another chapter! I hope you enjoy.
PREVIOUSLY
In the end, they would still be together. Reid had been the first absolute in Luke's life. The minute the pieces had fallen into place, they'd locked, and there'd been a finality to them. They were Luke and Reid. Reid and Luke. Without a doubt, they were right.
All of this served to bring his mind back to the ashes next to the pond. While he felt immense gratitude to his parents, Reid had never even been there. It highlighted another loss - one more thing they would never get to do together.
His thoughts were interrupted, when Jason bounded into the room with a grin on his face and yelled, "I'm dooonnneeeee!"
Ash smiled as the boy did his hooting happy dance across the living room.
X X X
"Do you know what's in a few days?" Lanie asked with a wide smile plastered on her face. Boy did this feel fake. She knew it. They knew it. Yet, she couldn't help it. The spatula in her hand turned of its own volition as the blonde woman turned to shine that forced grin at the two men and the boy around the breakfast table.
Then she rolled her eyes when they all shrugged; and she dropped the upturned lips and harrumphed.
She usually adored mornings like this, when she could watch her son followed in the footsteps of the two greatest men she'd ever known. Jason had even picked up various subtle mannerisms, like the way Ash drummed his fingers lightly on the tabletop or the way Carl smirked. God, she loved these guys.
At the moment, they annoyed her with their shrugs and oblivious looks, though.
She was bent on doing something for Ash, though, and wasn't about to give up. Nonchalantly, she brought the eggs over, dropped them on the plates, and announced, "Well, it happens to be November."
"So?" Carl asked as he tucked into his meal.
"So, Lily asked us to join them at the farm for Thanksgiving, and I accepted," she replied, hoping her voice didn't squeak. Looking directly at Ash, who frowned fiercely, she cleared her throat, and added, "I told her that we'd bring the turkey. Cooked."
Still, the man remained silent.
Oh boy did she hate the silent treatment. Only a few times in the past had she really had to experience it from the man in front of her, and she cleared her throat once more, feeling her nerves flare to life. It surprised her when he rose, nodded once brusquely, and left the room.
She would've rather he yelled.
X X X
Carl sighed as he watched his friend, wishing he knew what to do for the kid; and while Ash stared out the window, the old man remembered. It didn't take much to recall the night he'd met Ash, Lanie, and Jason. He really preferred not to, though.
When he'd followed the screams, he'd expected to find a hooker or a dealer. The last thing he'd expected to see down near the docks that time of night had been a well-dressed twenty-something being hacked. It had been so inky black, and with the street lights shot out, very little light led the path.
It had been the best and the worst night of his life. Fate had hand-picked him a family of sorts; but they'd been wounded. All of them.
"I can feel you staring," Ash muttered, lifting a coffee cup and taking a sip.
At first, Carl didn't reply. He waited until Ash turned, before asking, "What bothers you so much?"
Ash didn't know how to explain the neurosis of his childhood - the trauma, the drama, and the incessant inadequacy that had defined him. Instead of trying to describe this place - the town, its people, and who he'd been - he shrugged and replied, "Once upon a time, I think I might've been happy here. Thanksgiving woulda meant something."
"And now?"
"Now…" Ash sighed, because he honestly didn't know. Part of him still waited for unreasonable expectations to slam down on his shoulders, even if his parents had been careful since his return. He'd just gotten used to handling a couple people at a time - his parents, his siblings, and his grandmother, primarily. "Now I'm a different man, and I'm thankful for simpler things."
But that wasn't all.
He hated feeling helpless, and couldn't deny the rush of heat that suffused his face when he softly added, "I don't know what they'll think of me."
With a finger, he traced the most prominent scars that ran from ear to mouth, and grimaced. It was so much easier back home, where he just looked like a badass. No one in the bar thought of him as that sensitive kid and jock. If someone asked him what happened, no one made a deal about getting sliced and diced. Shit happened, and that was that.
In the bar, the regulars didn't see his scars; newcomers didn't care. But in Old Town, he'd felt the stares. The whispers had followed. He hadn't gone back for that very reason. But maybe - just maybe - he could handle a family dinner.
"The boy's pretty happy about it," Carl mused. "He likes that kid brother of yours."
Shit happens, Ash mused, and that was that. In the end, their boy's happiness drove them all to make all kinds of decisions. Even ones to come back to a place Ash had never wanted to see again.
Lanie, who'd been watching from the doorway, stubbornly interjected, "I'm not cancelling."
"Didn't expect you to," Ash said, giving her what little bit of a grin he could offer. He didn't mind backing down now and then. Next time, he'd get to win an argument. It was just their way of doing things. With a shrug, he said, "You get to cook the bird."
Lanie lightened the mood effectively, when she gave an unladylike snort and retorted, "No shit, Sherlock. I'd like to eat the turkey without fear of food poisoning."
X X X
Holden knew his son often watched the sun rise at the pond. So he took the chance and settled himself on a log near the water. Every now and again, he glanced over to Reid's ashes and smiled.
He hadn't been sure what to think of Dr. Oliver when he'd shown up in Oakdale. Then again, the whole fiasco with Damien had been rather consuming. Thinking back, though, Holden wondered how he'd missed so much of what had been happening with his son.
"I wish I'd known you," he murmured, staring at Reid's ashes. "I mean, I knew you, kinda, but not as Luke's… friend." He barked a harsh laugh at how uncomfortable he still was at saying the words, "Luke's boyfriend."
"I should've been more available. I should have been there for Luke more," he continued. He hadn't realized until everything had fallen apart completely just how much he'd missed. Softly, he said, "I should've talked to him more."
Ash stood ten feet away, listening to his father talk to the urn. The churning in his stomach made him cold and the young man found himself pulling up the collar of his jacket in hopes of warding off the internal chill. Of everyone in this place, Holden had been the one persistent good thing in his life. His father may not have understood Luke when he'd come out, but he'd been there - forever supportive. If it hadn't been for him and Lucinda, he doubted he'd have survived that time in his life. God knows, he hadn't had anyone else standing up for him.
"You gave me a home," Ash whispered.
Cautiously approaching, he settled on the log next to his father, never taking his eyes off the older man's face. Eventually, he added, "You've always made me feel cherished."
"I let you down," Holden countered, dropping his gaze. "I let us both down."
"No, no, no." It suddenly became imperative to Ash that he make Holden really understand - make him see. For a moment, he ordered his thoughts, touched his father's knee, and said, "I was the gay kid. Or Luciano. Or Damien's son. Or the rich kid. Or the cheat. But through it all, I was your kid."
He may not have recognized that bare fact when Holden and Jack had first found him in New York, but Ash certainly understood it now.
The next part still hurt to explain. He'd never said the words before - never just told his story.
"Noah was never right for me," he softly admitted, giving his father a wry smile. "Not for the long term, anyway." He shrugged, and continued, "Yeah, I loved him. A lot. But when I look back, I wonder how much of that was because I felt needed."
"Not cherished, though," Holden confirmed. He'd often wondered, particularly after Luke left.
"No. Not cherished. Not until Reid," Ash murmured. "With him I discovered that I could be needed and admired - that I could be loved because I have an opinion and a brain - even if I do something stupid. And I discovered that I could argue with someone and still have him look at me like I was the most important man alive."
"And Noah never made you feel these things?" Holden asked.
The self-deprecating smirk on Ash's face answered the question effectively. Then Ash's features softened and he sighed. The fact was, he had loved Noah. To some degree, if it hadn't been for his first boyfriend, Luke might not have been in a place where he could love Reid. "Noah was my first love - immature, passionate, and lacking depth. I'll always wonder how he's doing, and wish him the best. But…"
He didn't know how to make his father understand - he didn't know what words would accurately give weight to what he and Reid had been given. He needn't have worried, though. Holden finished his thought for him.
"But Reid broke your heart."
"Yeah," Ash softly replied, "Reid broke my heart. But the people of this town broke the rest of me."
And while he still missed Reid every day - felt the weight of that loneliness - it was the loss of faith he mourned the most.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 14
Chapter 13
Chapter 12
Chapter 11
Chapter 10
Chapter 9
Chapter 8
Chapter 7
Chapter 6
Chapter 5
Chapter 4
Chapter 3
Chapter 2
Chapter 1