Standing Still 14/?
Title: Standing Still (14/?)
Rating: R (Language)
Genre: Drama/Angst
Summary: It's been five years since that fateful day that he walked away from Oakdale. Five years since he had his heart ripped to shreds. Five years since the ultimate betrayal.
A/N: Thanks to all of you who have stuck with this story and my sporadic updates of late. I appreciate it. I hope you enjoy!
PREVIOUSLY
Ash couldn't sleep. His mind kept wandering back to that picture of Reid. More than that, though… his brain whirred incessantly with wonder and worry. He'd started something so very important with Reid - a place of healing. Together, they'd dreamed of making the neurology center something spectacular; a place they could make people whole.
Because even though Reid's ego knew no bounds, the good doctor had been just that - good at his core.
X X X
Jason progressed at a phenomenal pace, much to everyone's surprise - not that they didn't think him capable. What shocked them was his attitude. He'd stopped bitching about spending most of his days studying.
"You know, for a child who hates school, he's doing really well," Ash said as he sipped his coffee and watched the boy fly through another lesson. It helped that the tutor, a gentle young professor related well to the kid. Apparently, he'd gone through the same thing as a child - learning to live with his dyslexia.
Lanie broke her gaze from her son to look at the man in the chair next to her.
"You're feeling better," she observed as Ash rose from and grabbed his cane.
With the fever gone, he'd finally gotten decent sleep. Then the antibiotics had begun to knit the tear in his leg together once again. That had been (and always would be) the ultimate, lasting attack. The original wound had been so deep and twisted, it had transformed the muscle, splitting it in a way that would never be the same again.
It would always cause him pain, and he was okay with that.
"I'm feeling fine," he replied, taking another sip, and then letting out the pent-up sigh that had been weighing on him for hours.
He didn't look up, or he'd have seen the way Lanie rolled her eyes, and then the way her lips straightened out in that look of determination she got when irritated. Had he bothered to look at her, he would've noticed how she just watched him, and Ash would've picked up on the annoyance glowing like a ball of flame in her eyes. Then he would've been well and truly scared.
X X X
It took a little finagling and a promised shopping trip with Lucinda for Lanie to accomplish her goal. She'd only had to promise a toy to her son to have a couple hours away from her make-shift family.
Dressed in soft, worn jeans and a sweater, she tried not to feel out of place in the luxurious limousine, and found it easy enough to push aside the differences that tended to fluster her. Instead, she focused on Ash's grandmother, cocked her head to one side, and blatantly studied the older woman. The older woman clearly belonged in the plush interior of the car, and once again Lanie thought of the disparate backgrounds of Ash's parents.
"You know, my dear, I would be happy to answer any questions you have," Lucinda drawled. "However, that can't happen if you don't speak."
For a moment, Lanie took note of the similarities between the man back at the house and the woman opposite her.
"I see where he got his stubbornness," she eventually said. "Ash gets that same I'm going to look amused, even though I'm annoyed expression on his face. Then he does whatever the hell he wants to do anyway."
"And is he often wrong about why he's being stubborn?" Lucinda asked, relaxing into her seat. Whatever irritation at being studied like a bug under a microscope vanished, and she found herself charmed by the young blonde woman.
"Unfortunately, no," Lanie ruefully admitted. "He's nearly always right. Makes me wanna punch him sometimes."
Warmth filled Lucinda's features. She reached forward, grasped Lanie's hands, and held them like she would a longtime friend's. With a sense of fondness, she said, "You aren't a woman to simply go shopping. You don't come across as frivolous. So why don't you tell me why you've summoned me?"
Her interest rose when Lanie's face flushed a little in guilt, and the young woman dropped her gaze to their connected hands.
"I want you to take me to the place they built," she softly replied. Raising her eyes, she stared into Lucinda's, and admitted, "Ash doesn't know I'm going there, but I want to know… I need to know that what he and his Reid made together matters."
"Why?" Lucinda softly asked.
For a moment, she thought Lanie might not answer, and she didn't think it her place to push. After all, the young man she knew five years ago was not the man staying in her cottage. Yes, it galled her to admit that someone else knew her grandson so much more than she. But who was she to argue?
She'd only had to wait a couple minutes, though, because Lanie finally replied, "He hasn't figured it out yet. He hasn't figured out why he's here."
Lucinda gave the soft spoken woman a querying look and waited some more, until Lanie explained, "Ash would do anything for Jason… I think I know why now. He sees his little brother in Jason, although he loves Jason as if he's his own. But I knew from the start why he agreed to come to Oakdale, even though he's struggling just being here. I know he needed this, even if he doesn't see this chance for what it is."
"And what is that?" Lucinda asked. "What is this chance?"
"A way to say goodbye to all he's lost," Lanie replied, with soft tears slowly tracking down her cheeks. With an impatient hand, she brushed them away, though, sat up, and added, "A chance to finally let go."
Lucinda watched the way the young woman composed herself, and found she admired her more and more each meeting.
In the dim quiet of the limousine, Lanie pulled herself upright, like a warrior-guardian, and said, "I need to see that what's been built is a good thing, because eventually Ash will figure out what he needs to do, and if this place isn't what it should be, then it'll be like five years ago."
Lucinda frowned at this. Five years ago, Luke had been a happy, generous young man with a kind heart and a strong sense of compassion. It would make her immensely happy to have the boy her grandson had been back to what he'd been.
"No… I'm talking about five years ago when I met him," Lanie explained. "He'd been so very, very lost." Her voice cracked a little when she added, "If it hadn't been for Carl, I'm not sure Ash would've survived. I'm not sure he would've ever seen himself as having purpose."
Watching naked sentiment course through Lanie's eyes, and seeing the way the strong young woman steadfastly held back the waves of emotion, Lucinda felt her breath hitch. With her own watery voice, in hushed tones, the older woman replied, "Oh, honey, we'll go see the place Luke and Reid designed."
For the first time in a very, very long time, Lucinda Walsh wanted nothing more than to gather a child up in her arms and hold on for dear life; and surprisingly not a child of her own. No, she wanted to take the child sitting across from her, keep her safe, and thank her every day for the rest of her life.
"You understand?" Lanie whispered.
Nodding sharply once, Lucinda inhaled a slow, wobbly breath, before replying, "Yes. Yes, I do."
But Lucinda was a woman of steel, and she'd learned long ago that sentiment only got you so far. So she pushed aside the ache in the middle of her chest, sat up straight, and smiled tightly at Lanie. Being a woman of action as well, she pulled her shoulders back and dared the world to defy her when she added, "We'll make him proud. I can promise you that."
Her heart broke just a little more.
X X X
He hadn't been able to get the ashes out of his mind all day, even though he hadn't gone out to the farm in two days.
Thinking of the jar out by the pond, Ash let his mind wander back to the man he'd known for much too brief a time. God, it had happened so fast; yet that brief glimpse into what could have been had torn him to pieces in the end.
Had things been different, they would most likely now be living a miserably wonderful existence. Reid would be spending too much time lamenting the stupid decisions he had to make. He'd be working too many hours. Luke would be pushing the dedicated neurosurgeon to take the upcoming holidays off; and they would fight.
Oh boy, would they fight.
In the end, they would still be together. Reid had been the first absolute in Luke's life. The minute the pieces had fallen into place, they'd locked, and there'd been a finality to them. They were Luke and Reid. Reid and Luke. Without a doubt, they were right.
All of this served to bring his mind back to the ashes next to the pond. While he felt immense gratitude to his parents, Reid had never even been there. It highlighted another loss - one more thing they would never get to do together.
His thoughts were interrupted, when Jason bounded into the room with a grin on his face and yelled, "I'm dooonnneeeee!"
Ash smiled as the boy did his hooting happy dance across the living room, happy to be done for the day.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 13
Chapter 12
Chapter 11
Chapter 10
Chapter 9
Chapter 8
Chapter 7
Chapter 6
Chapter 5
Chapter 4
Chapter 3
Chapter 2
Chapter 1