Standing Still 11/?
Title: Standing Still (11/?)
Author: CSIGeekFan
Rating: R (Language)
Spoilers: Through the end of the series
Fandom: As The World Turns
Genre: Drama/Angst
Summary: It's been five years since that fateful day that he walked away from Oakdale. Five years since he had his heart ripped to shreds. Five years since the ultimate betrayal.
A/N: I finally got this posted. I hope you enjoy.
PREVIOUSLY
Bemused at the man's straight-forward manner, and the way he lightly grinned, although it didn't meet the eyes, Lucinda asked, "Oh? And what are you?"
Carl picked up his cup, tossed back the remnants of his coffee, crushed the paper cup in his palm, and rose from his seat.
"I'm a total bastard," he said.
X X X
"You do understand that it's late November in Illinois, right?" Carl grunted as he settled himself on the ground next to Ash. "In other words, it's cold as hell in the wee hours of the morning. Even colder when I have to sit my ass on the ground."
Instead of replying, Ash continued to stare out over the water, where a partial moon cast an eerie glow. His only movement was to pull his coat tighter over his frame and hunch against the soft but bitter wind.
"Well, this is a pretty spot and all, but any reason you're not sleeping in that big, comfy bed at Lucinda's cottage?" the old man asked.
For his part, Ash drew his good leg up and rested his chin on his knee. He could hardly move his other leg, and he had a bad feeling the latest round of inflammation had become something a little worse. It would explain the fatigue over the last few days; plus, he recognized the signs.
"I used to swim here in the summer," he eventually murmured. "This was my favorite place in the world - a place I could hide away from the world and just be me."
"How often did you hide?" Carl asked, noting the weariness in his friend's voice.
"Every time my parents split up. Every time my biological father tried to interject his drama into my life. Hell, every time somebody got upset. Every time I disappointed someone," Ash softly replied. "A lot. Didn't seem like hiding though, because I could be myself here."
For several minutes, both men sat in silence, not really needing the words. They'd always been like that, though. Considering Ash hadn't been able to speak for weeks after Carl had found him in the alley, it wasn't any wonder they could understand each other wordlessly.
However, Carl soon got a little bored with just sitting, and as the sun began to rise, he glanced back to the small glass jar nestled into a rock and asked, "What the hell is that?"
"Reid," Ash replied with a shrug. He hadn't even bothered to turn around, but continued to gaze straight forward. "Those are his ashes."
That said it all - or at least enough for Carl to put together the look of grief on the young man's face and the annual ritual they followed at St. Mark's, like a tradition of eternal sorrow.
Eventually, as beams of light began to dance across the water, Ash turned to the old man and smiled. They'd been there way too long if he could already hear a cock crowing up near the farmhouse. He really should have paid closer attention if he hadn't wanted to get found on the property. Because when he turned, it was to stare straight into his little sister's eyes.
"Geez, Luke," she muttered. "You got ugly."
Carl, who watched the exchange, grinned. He liked this girl already.
X X X
Ash continued to stare out over the water for another hour. This time, though, instead of Carl or Lanie by his side, he felt Faith's hot gaze on him.
"Sun's up," she eventually said, and then waited for him to turn his head and look at her. When he did, she asked, "Does anyone know you're here? At the farm?"
Looking back over the pond, he softly replied, "No."
He hadn't wanted to see anyone yet.
The hand on his shoulder made him flinch, and he finally turned his gaze back to Faith. It surprised him how much she'd changed. No longer did a prickly, self-centered teenager sit by his side. In her eyes, he saw a surprising maturity. Then again, she was close to the age he'd been when he'd left all those years ago. The confidence he found in the way she watched him made him settle. He'd always worried she wouldn't find her place - her own sense of self.
"I've missed you, Luke," she softly said.
Only Lanie had ever touched his scarred face without making Ash wince or jerk away. Yet he found himself surprisingly calm when Faith reached out a fingertip and traced the pattern of slices back and forth - up and down.
He didn't realize how much he'd missed her until her finger ran down his cheek once again, this time wiping away the tear that slicked its way down across the puckered flesh.
"You turned out beautiful," he said, and found he truly meant it.
X X X
It took another twenty-four hours before the situation had gotten bad enough to warrant a doctor's visit. The low-grade fever that refused to go away made up his mind for him, and he sighed. Being more susceptible to infections, he'd always had to be careful.
Carl had taken off in the morning with Jason in tow. Somehow he'd snagged some tickets to see a game in Chicago. Who the hell knew when they'd be back - another excuse to not make the trek to see a physician.
"I tried to call Holden, but no one answered," Lanie said, smiling at Ash as limped into the kitchen. When the man just gave her a questioning look, she added, "I know when you're sick, just like I know you're a bigger baby than Jas when it comes to medicine and doctor's visits."
Well, at least she hadn't gotten hold of his father, Ash mused. The fact was, he'd woken sweating in the middle of the night. A full blown panic attack had been suffocating him in his sleep. It didn't take a genius to figure out the root of the issue lay in his unease. Ever since returning to Oakdale, he'd felt out of place, self-conscious, and like something out of a freak show.
So he felt relieved that Lanie couldn't get hold of his uncle. It didn't last long, though.
"I called Jack instead. He's coming to get you."
Ash's face flamed in anger as she turned her back and continued to scramble up eggs.
It was a little hard to stay mad at her when she kissed him on the forehead like she did Jason; and he really couldn't stay angry, when she set breakfast in front of him, with everything exactly how he liked it. He found himself actually feeling a little guilty at his own behavior when she whispered, "I love you too much to see you feeling bad."
"I'm sorry," he murmured, dropping into his seat at the table. With his chin dropped to his chest, he closed his eyes and wished himself away once again.
"What are you so afraid of?" she quietly asked.
He didn't hesitate when he answered, "That I'll be judged and found wanting."
X X X
It took Jack a little longer to get the Lucinda's cottage than he'd anticipated. Halfway out the precinct door, he'd been called back because of a nasty accident. He wasn't required on scene, but he'd needed to make sure that he had enough personnel on patrol so that he could keep coverage on the crash. That it was car versus train didn't escape him, either, and he thanked God that it wasn't at the same place that Reid died.
Eventually, he made it to the cottage and found his cousin morosely glaring at him when he walked in the door.
"You ready?" Jack asked as Luke hauled himself up and limped past.
"What the hell do you think?"
Sometimes, when looking at the young man's smooth cheek, Jack just forgot that Luke had changed so much. As he faced him fully, though and took in the mottled flesh, Jack drew in a sharp breath. The heated look in the young man's face said so much more than words. Resentment simmered, yet it was the wariness and fatigue that made the cop pause. For the first time, he looked at his cousin and saw Ash.
Previous Chapters:
Chapter 10
Chapter 9
Chapter 8
Chapter 7
Chapter 6
Chapter 5
Chapter 4
Chapter 3
Chapter 2
Chapter 1