sometimes.. things really just get to me..
no one understands what the headaches feel like.. no one understand how annoying it is to want to remember things.. and i cant.. no matter how much time i spend working on remembering it.. no one understands how annoyed i get bc i want to be a normal kid.. no more.. now i have this stupid label on me.. letting everyone know im not up to par, and stuck in the "special" part.. because i cant do the things i love doing.. it really upsets me.. no matter how much i try to explain it to people.. many are like oh i understand.. the hell you do! im sorry but, you dont know the half of it.. not even a person who was with me the entire time in the hospital can explain how draining this all is on me.. and how sick of stupid rules i am.. so sick.. so sick of having to do more things.. because this is taking FOREVER to get done with.. how much it wants me to like pull out my hair.. cuz i cant do things that let me be free..
like horseback ride.. i miss that so much.. and when i feel bad and just wanna cry.. i used to go ride.. but i cant now.. bc of my head.. and that got to me so bad today.. i freaking cried on the way to mercy Anderson hospital... like.. no one understands.. except for maybe mimi.. cuz she went through similar things with her brain problems she was sent to Drake Hospital for..
but im sick of being such a pansy... honestly.. i am.. i know its time for me to be a girl.. and live up to that.. but i wanna be the tough person i have always been.. not some person who cries so easily.. and get annoyed easily.. and wants to throw it all away.. just cuz i get upset.. and frustrated.. cuz NO ONE i can talk to like knows exactly what i feel.. i just am sick of being a guinea pig.. for the stupid doctors.. and sick of testing.. i want to be normal.. whatever that apparently is
i just dont like this.. i hate it.. and it really has killed my self esteemlike people may joke about it.. but i can only handle so much.. like joking around about forgetting things.. People cant do that.. it upsets me as it is to forget something as simple as someones birthday.. to something as important as material on a test.. like.. i wont say anything bout it.. but it pisses me off bc it does nothing but remind me of all the constraints i have.. that have been placed on me.. without my will..
simply bc of something i got stuck with having.. its just not fair.. and at the same time knowing its not fair.. knowing i have to go through this because it will help build who i am.. but i always wanna run away from things.. thats why i dont speak up in class.. bc i always forget important details.. or the simple things i wanted to bring up.. bc i cant recall things not in my long term memory
i just, hate it. Not to mention and how upset i get when like.. my friends go to play sports... it upsets me.. im ready to give up.. all because my friends are doing something i really miss doing.. having fun with one another playing sports...teaching each other techniques.. and like.. getting all messy.. and horsing around.. i would give anything for a day without jokes a bout my head, be able to play trampoline football.. and try that back flip on the trampoline for once in my life.. cuz up until now i was too scared to do it...
ahh..Not to mention the new stupid rules I got.. no chocolate, no caffeine, have to eat every 3 hours, must eat a snack before bed, drink Gatorade when i get up then lay down for 10 min before i get ready for school...and now i have to log my headaches and the intensity of them..this all just bites..
so its like all those.. plus no sports, no horsing around, no horse back riding, no running like playing tag, or like.. runnning around to goof.. no sledding.. just.. my life is all messed up.. and im sick of being so strong.. or trying atleast.. but its the only way i can ever get anything done in this ordeal.. to just keep on trucking.
like horseback ride.. i miss that so much.. and when i feel bad and just wanna cry.. i used to go ride.. but i cant now.. bc of my head.. and that got to me so bad today.. i freaking cried on the way to mercy Anderson hospital... like.. no one understands.. except for maybe mimi.. cuz she went through similar things with her brain problems she was sent to Drake Hospital for..
but im sick of being such a pansy... honestly.. i am.. i know its time for me to be a girl.. and live up to that.. but i wanna be the tough person i have always been.. not some person who cries so easily.. and get annoyed easily.. and wants to throw it all away.. just cuz i get upset.. and frustrated.. cuz NO ONE i can talk to like knows exactly what i feel.. i just am sick of being a guinea pig.. for the stupid doctors.. and sick of testing.. i want to be normal.. whatever that apparently is
i just dont like this.. i hate it.. and it really has killed my self esteemlike people may joke about it.. but i can only handle so much.. like joking around about forgetting things.. People cant do that.. it upsets me as it is to forget something as simple as someones birthday.. to something as important as material on a test.. like.. i wont say anything bout it.. but it pisses me off bc it does nothing but remind me of all the constraints i have.. that have been placed on me.. without my will..
simply bc of something i got stuck with having.. its just not fair.. and at the same time knowing its not fair.. knowing i have to go through this because it will help build who i am.. but i always wanna run away from things.. thats why i dont speak up in class.. bc i always forget important details.. or the simple things i wanted to bring up.. bc i cant recall things not in my long term memory
i just, hate it. Not to mention and how upset i get when like.. my friends go to play sports... it upsets me.. im ready to give up.. all because my friends are doing something i really miss doing.. having fun with one another playing sports...teaching each other techniques.. and like.. getting all messy.. and horsing around.. i would give anything for a day without jokes a bout my head, be able to play trampoline football.. and try that back flip on the trampoline for once in my life.. cuz up until now i was too scared to do it...
ahh..Not to mention the new stupid rules I got.. no chocolate, no caffeine, have to eat every 3 hours, must eat a snack before bed, drink Gatorade when i get up then lay down for 10 min before i get ready for school...and now i have to log my headaches and the intensity of them..this all just bites..
so its like all those.. plus no sports, no horsing around, no horse back riding, no running like playing tag, or like.. runnning around to goof.. no sledding.. just.. my life is all messed up.. and im sick of being so strong.. or trying atleast.. but its the only way i can ever get anything done in this ordeal.. to just keep on trucking.