Fat Ass and Fiery River: A Pictorial Fairy Tale

[csecooney]

WARNING: This entry contains cussing. Lots of it. Really. Stop reading if it bothers you.

Once upon a time, there lived a woman of Westerly.

Comments

[csecooney]

Well, I've had close friends grab my ass before. If it's in fun, and if the boundaries are defined, understood and respected between friends, it's not really uncomfortable.

In fact, it was my friend Nin who told me (and she was the first one to ever tell me this, like, ever) as I was walking in front of her up her basement stairs, that I had a really nice ass. Surprised the hell out of me. The closest anyone'd come was my brother's friend, who told my brother, right in my hearing, "Your sister'd have a nice ass if she lost some weight."

Which isn't the same thing!

You can't imagine the novelty of such a compliment. (Well, maybe you can!) And she meant it too. You can always tell when people mean it.

Anyway, I can tell YOU mean it. So regardless of my sexual preference, I don't mind a little SQUEEZE from you across the many miles. :)

[maladaptive]

It's never about taste, or what you look like, and aaaaall about the entitlement they feel to comment on what they see as public property.

What I resent most is how the reminder that I'm not a person is how it can ruin a whole day. All the times I wish for superpowers, it's telekinesis. So as that car is driving away I can fling it off the road and crush it with the power of my loathing.

I'm not a violent person. But in my world, capital offenses would be littering and catcalling. There's no excuse for either of those-- I guess unless you're being chased by a bear, in which case you've got justifiable littering, so really the only capital offense would be catcalling.

[csecooney]

I'd replied to this, but the INTERNET ATE IT!

Basically, I thought that in the whole telekinesis-for-vengeance realm, one might wreak all sorts of havoc without reverting to capital punishment. Like, a well-timed overturned dumpster during a very important date. Equivalent to a catcalling being having to LIVE with a terrible smell on the night you most want to impress someone.

[maladaptive]

It makes me so mad I just want to squash them like bugs. Which is weird because I work in law and I never feel this way about criminals!

Though most of my capital punishment fantasies came from dreaming about space lasers. Every time I biked through the mangrove I'd see trash and wish for an ominiscent space laser to zap people who tossed stuff in the mangrove (weird stuff too. Like I've seen bottles of detergent.)

But the terrible smell is probably the best plan, revenge-wise. Or maybe just swooping the catcaller out of the car and hovering them over traffic so I can publicly humiliate them, if I don't want further interactions with 'em. 'Cause I figure the "big date" plan means finding out who they are and getting their schedule. Or is that part of the magic superpowers too?

[csecooney]

Yeah, I suppose a second superpower would have to be, like, strategic prophecy. Or sort of making a local dumpster sentient and giving it instructions to "find, stalk and DUMP-AT-WILL." Thus, um, delegating.

Like space lasers! Space lasers is TOTALLY DELEGATING! I hope they precision-zap the trash while they're at it!

[maladaptive]

Now I'm wondering about the life and times of a sentient dumpster....

I hope they precision-zap the trash while they're at it!

The space lasers totally do! Doesn't matter if it's not incineratable (I made a word), because they're space lasers. They do it with the power of science. And no birds/turtles ever ate another balloon or condom. THE END.