o maudlin o melancholy o woe

Nov 25, 2011 00:34

well, hell. it was all just fine all day long, okay so maybe i cried at the merwin poem this morning and maybe later at the very end of the george harrison documentary, living in the material world, i cried again, but mostly that was just a few tears, you know, because art is art and music is music and icons are icons and all things being equal, i SORT OF WEPT, OKAY???

but then. but then all the family was gone -- and they're terry's family, really, but you know, my step-family, and family is family, but they were all so sweet to me and excited for my future, and evie's so fragile and generous, and robin was wonderful, and all the donohoo girls are just spiffy, as well as their mates, and little maya is snappy and smart as a whip and so lovely -- so all the family are gone and i go to desi and drape myself about, around, upon him. he is taller than i and bench-pressing his own weight in god, so it's easy to do this.

"desmond," i announce, "if you are not awake tomorrow when i leave, i will not see you for at least a year."

this is my youngest brother we're talking about. he turned sixteen this year. is most interested in anatomy. his own. all of life revolves around the upcoming rugby season (his first) and "getting jacked." but he's been very affectionate and drapey himself all weekend, and he threw his arms about me and I started crying. so bah. and he just kept hugging me and saying, in a protesting cartoonish voice, "but -- claire!" or "mine!" or things like that. so i told my dad to take a picture. we got a couple with us, and then i insisted we put those long irish arms to use and get a picture of all four of us, since we hadn't had that all day.

hopefully, mon cher popi will send them to me.

after that, we all decided we were not quite done with each other after all. so i worked on desmond's back a little. and then terry was going to bed, but i thought i'd give her a wee massage. she was very brave all day and did huge amounts of work, but when her sisters came and saw melanie's funeral program displayed, she did sob some. and her sisters comforted her, for they have all known melanie these decades. she was mentioned at table and wished well on her journey elsewhere.

"she's somewhere near," my dad said.

"i say she's in the brussels sprouts," said terry's sister mary.

anyway. desi and i decided that we really had a jones to see tarzan the cartoon, which neither of us has watched in years, so we rented it on itunes and sat down to enjoy it. such a crush i have on animated characters. i swear. it's still really funny. and yes, it made me cry, but so is everything right now, apparently, but mostly desi, who held my hand through the movie.

the last time i left my brothers, there were four more of them.

i was almost twenty, aidan was eighteen and already in colorado, joel was twenty-two and... in iraq?, jeremy was thirteen and declan was eleven. the youngest boys were the saddest, of course. i mean, i'd been their babysitter and storyteller. i was the last of their older siblings to remain.

with desi it's different. i've lived in the area since he was six, and before that would come to visit in summers and for christmas. but pretty much since he was six, i was either living with the parental units here and going to school and work, or later living in the city and coming back at least once a month for visits. sometimes more.

"you're entering your social phase," i told him, quavering but trying to keep things light. "it's all about rugby and football and parties and everything. for me, it's totally opposite. i'm trying to get away from my social life, so i can be a little quieter."

"but -- claaaaa---iiii--re."

i'd forgotten what it was to leave a younger brother. that i could even be affected. bah. my life has been made of long distance relationships to my closest friends and family. the last 19 years anyway. so i'm used to it, and i was okay, but tonight it's just a little harder.

***

this morning i saw gene unexpectedly when i went with my dad to the 9 o' clock. gene said, "i didn't expect to see you again!"

"i'm like that penny people talk about. the proverbial one. the bad one."

"a very welcome penny," he said.

we watched the cantor for a while.

"she used to have such curly hair," he said.

"i think she got tired of perming it. i call her kristen the cat goddess, you know. she used to be a drummer in a rock and roll band."

he paused, then added thoughtfully, "and also the deity called bast in ancient egypt."

this led to a discussion of the oldest cave painting in history -- somewhere in spain -- of a woman whose face is half human, half cat.

"the other piece of architecture i find very interesting," said gene, and when gene wolfe gets that glint, i lean in, "is an old nubian gateway. and on one side is a king, who is killing his enemy with a big mace. and the enemy, of course, is much smaller than he is. and on the other side... is the queen. and she's killing her enemy, who is much smaller than she is, also with a mace. and i've spent a lot of time thinking about that gate. had the king granted her military power? were they co-rulers? you know something was going on."

"you should put it in a story!"

"i think i will. i've been getting some pressure to write another latro book."

"i have," i confessed, "such a crush on latro. i mean, HE SEES GODS! i always did like a man a little touched in the head..." and then, after a hammy pause, pronounced, as grandly as i could, "even if he DOESN'T remember me in the morning."

***

sam was so kind as to provide the playlist of our lake walk and subsequent adventures.



Katatonia (Doom gone gloom):
- 'Departer' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g02DNyBLJo4
- 'Day and Then The Shade' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqt0HlBlwWg

James Vincent McMorrow (Mr. Lock Me In a Cabin in the Woods and I'll Play It All Myself, Thanks Much):
- 'This Old Dark Machine' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Bs4k5i5BQ

Anathema (Singing With Great Earnestness):
- 'Dreaming Light' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmAKfNNlim8
- 'Temporary Peace' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGdUWHddaP0

The Devil's Blood (Covers These Happen-To-Be-Satanic Classic Rockers):
- 'The Yonder Beckons' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCn4UnvGAIc

Tenhi ("The Seer", woods-walled and wandering):
- 'Vähäinen violetissa' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LWIGJq3S9M
- 'Kuoppa' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBbi1mXKpGA

Opeth (Really Loves Obscure Art Rock...and Blastbeats):
- 'The Lotus Eater' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSSLXMzxxP8
- 'The Devil's Orchard' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1pi7Dn87mY&ob=av3e (Not one we heard, but representative of their present inclinations)

All videos selected for their audio streaming quality; their accompanying videos are viewed at your own risk.

***

HERE are pictures of our last lake walk, and some candid shots of the chicago way reading.

and THIS is a picture of our hands, the night of the going away party. it's a game we play, like a cat's cradle without the string:




***

anyway. between that and pattytempleton's blog and mrs. q's email and desi's palpable melancholy and the joy of watching woody allen / george harrison documentaries with my dad (my father's face!) and terry's own deep sadness and definite need for a serious massage à moi, i just happen to think, right now, at this moment, that moving is the frikkin stupidest idea i ever had.

"regarding moving to rhode island," said my father in his queen victoria voice, "we are NOT amused!"

good thing i'm seeing my mom tomorrow, and my other four brothers, and my nieces and grandmother and cousins and aunties and uncles too, and all the people i love i'm several thousand miles away from for MOST of the year, or else it would be unbearable. i hope i make it. i hope i make it through and live a while yet. have a few adventures. return to joy. make stuff. many books and musics and plays. have friends everywhere. love my family. live a long time and die well.

the food was great today. as fine a feast as any i've eaten in all my life.

"i'm going to send you self-addressed stamped envelopes," i told my brother. "i will include blank sheets of paper. on them, i will draw little boxes with these words, 'paste latest pic of bicep here,' and 'include funny caption.' i will even sign it, 'yours affectionately, desmond james cooney.' okay?"

"okay," he said. and at the moment, i think, even meant it. maybe i'll do it too.

as i'm going upstairs to bed, he calls, "if i'm not up when you leave, you have my permission to pound on my door."

***

general freakout, the brothers, love letters, driftless, mrs. q, gene wolfe, spaceships, samu, pattyhawk

Previous post Next post
Up