There's nothing like 15-year-old crack!fic
Don't say the subject line isn't warning enough.
NOTE, June 30th, 2011
This story was written in MARCH 1996. Some people on Haven were concerned that Ephemeral was not working today, so I compared my list of stories I had written to the list of my stories posted to Gossamer. I happen to know why this story is not currently on Gossamer and realized I never put it back up.
This story is written using language that was common in the XF community in 1996 and I have decided not to edit that into language that is more common today.
Archive: This story is released to the public domain. Although, does the public domain even want it? That is the question.
-----
The File on the X-files (or Truth is Stranger than Fiction)
Deirdre (cschick@gmail.com)
Summary: Well, where does Chris Carter come up with his ideas for the x-files? Who helps him create the intricate web of conspiracies we all know and love? Gnfyer does! But, who, *what* is Gnfyer?
Rating: Humor
Comments: No, I don't hate Pusher - in fact I love the episode. It just bore the brunt of Gnfyer's anger because GNFYER hates it.
Disclaimer: CC belongs to CC, I *hope*. Gnfyer's mine (well, in a way)
*****
The little gray creature crossed his arms and glared at Chris Carter from a top his desk. "How could you let them do that?" it demanded, red eyes flashing in anger.
Chris Carter turned from his computer and glanced over at the thing, wondering what he'd done wrong *this* time. Its sudden appearance was not an uncommon occurrence, but its sudden anger was. "Do what?"
"Pusher!" cried the creature, his face distorting with pain. "A romp for those Romantics - that's all it was! They gave into the pressure of the massing Internet crowds and came up with that slop! It was such a perfect idea before they ruined it with that romance." Heaving sobs wracked its frame.
"It just showed the strength of the bond between the two - nothing more! It wasn't an attempt to mollify the Romantics." Carter insisted, not moved to apology by the creature's antics. His eyes searching the creature's smashed features for any sign of disbelief "Your help, our arrangement is far too valuable to risk losing it."
"Fine, sure, whatever." the creature muttered, kicking at a paperweight. Tears still wet its cheeks, but the crying fit was over for now. "Just remember that next time - my help can vanish as quickly as it appeared. No romance, and I will continue to give you my help, my ideas." And with one final look, it turned its back on CC and vanished.
Carter turned back to his computer, and the new script that scrolled across the screen. Okay, the thing had bought his explanation - this time. But he couldn't afford to put anymore 'accidental' hints for the Romantics for the next few months. He couldn't afford to lose the one who gave him his best ideas, the one who actually came up with the idea for the "X-files" in the first place. To that strange gray creature, whether it be a figment of his imagination or something else, he owed the success of the past few years. Nothing, not even the pressure of fans could force him to break his agreement with it. No romance - and it would continue.
But what in the world did that creature have against romance anyway?
With a glance to make sure no one even saw him thinking such traitorous thoughts, he turned back toward his computer, sighing.
He didn't notice the woman standing just outside the window, staring at the place from where the creature had vanished.
*****
File #11211013
Investigation of Chris Carter, creator of the "X-files"
... So, in summary, Chris Carter proves to be nothing more than an average television show producer. Nothing points to any connections with foreign intelligence agencies, or any activity against either the governments of Canada or the United States. Although there have been several strange reports of him talking to a gray creature none can identity, clearly these hallucinations have more basis in over-active imaginations than fact. Especially since there are no such things as aliens ...
The man put the report down next to the ash-tray with a still- smoking Morley. Although his superiors had thought him insane when he ordered the investigation of that TV show whose ideas sometimes came too close to reality - the proof was now before him, typed in plain black-and-white. The truth behind the television show named X. He should have realized it long ago.
"Gnfyer, get your little gray ass in here!"
The gray alien appeared before him, their version of a grin gracing his face. "Yes sir? Your coffee too hot; too cold?"
Sometimes the damn thing could be so annoying, especially when he was trying to be condescending. Yeah, he was a *great* pick for a diplomat. Even knowing that most of his people weren't any better. "Oh cut the crap, Gnfyer and read this."
It squinted at it for an instant, then laughed. "'Especially since there are no such things as aliens ...', Mr. High and Mighty thinks he knows everything, doesn't he. Do you want us to give his disbelief a little shake?"
The man gritted his teeth, knowing exactly what the damn thing was trying to do. "NOT THAT, GNFYER!" Calming down (you didn't want to anger the most important allies in this section of the universe) he continued "Read the line before it."
"Yes?"
"One of you is assisting that man in the creation of that show, aren't you."
"It appears that way."
Damn evasive creatures, always sticking their noses where they didn't belong. "Who ... and why? Do you know what they've done with me? Now I'm the next great television villain - they've so mis-portrayed me! Why would one of you do that?" he moaned.
"For fun? We love television and seek to improve it in any way we can. It's the one original thing you Earthers have come up with."
Putting his head in his hands, the man moaned. "But if you reveal our projects to the world ... especially if you mis- represent them ..."
"It's *fiction*. Do you actually thing anyone believes it?" Gnfyer was getting whiny, not a mood he wanted to deal with him in.
The man got up and walked out of the room, still shaking his head. He couldn't believe what they had to put up with to ally themselves with these things. The universe's party animals, which only concerned themselves with what they found funny ... damn idiots who never thought what their actions could do ...
He was so involved in his thoughts that he didn't hear Gnfyer's last wailing comment: "I like feeding the American paranoia - it's fun! Besides, I just *couldn't* let it become another 'Moonlighters'."
End.
NOTE, June 30th, 2011
This story was written in MARCH 1996. Some people on Haven were concerned that Ephemeral was not working today, so I compared my list of stories I had written to the list of my stories posted to Gossamer. I happen to know why this story is not currently on Gossamer and realized I never put it back up.
This story is written using language that was common in the XF community in 1996 and I have decided not to edit that into language that is more common today.
Archive: This story is released to the public domain. Although, does the public domain even want it? That is the question.
-----
The File on the X-files (or Truth is Stranger than Fiction)
Deirdre (cschick@gmail.com)
Summary: Well, where does Chris Carter come up with his ideas for the x-files? Who helps him create the intricate web of conspiracies we all know and love? Gnfyer does! But, who, *what* is Gnfyer?
Rating: Humor
Comments: No, I don't hate Pusher - in fact I love the episode. It just bore the brunt of Gnfyer's anger because GNFYER hates it.
Disclaimer: CC belongs to CC, I *hope*. Gnfyer's mine (well, in a way)
*****
The little gray creature crossed his arms and glared at Chris Carter from a top his desk. "How could you let them do that?" it demanded, red eyes flashing in anger.
Chris Carter turned from his computer and glanced over at the thing, wondering what he'd done wrong *this* time. Its sudden appearance was not an uncommon occurrence, but its sudden anger was. "Do what?"
"Pusher!" cried the creature, his face distorting with pain. "A romp for those Romantics - that's all it was! They gave into the pressure of the massing Internet crowds and came up with that slop! It was such a perfect idea before they ruined it with that romance." Heaving sobs wracked its frame.
"It just showed the strength of the bond between the two - nothing more! It wasn't an attempt to mollify the Romantics." Carter insisted, not moved to apology by the creature's antics. His eyes searching the creature's smashed features for any sign of disbelief "Your help, our arrangement is far too valuable to risk losing it."
"Fine, sure, whatever." the creature muttered, kicking at a paperweight. Tears still wet its cheeks, but the crying fit was over for now. "Just remember that next time - my help can vanish as quickly as it appeared. No romance, and I will continue to give you my help, my ideas." And with one final look, it turned its back on CC and vanished.
Carter turned back to his computer, and the new script that scrolled across the screen. Okay, the thing had bought his explanation - this time. But he couldn't afford to put anymore 'accidental' hints for the Romantics for the next few months. He couldn't afford to lose the one who gave him his best ideas, the one who actually came up with the idea for the "X-files" in the first place. To that strange gray creature, whether it be a figment of his imagination or something else, he owed the success of the past few years. Nothing, not even the pressure of fans could force him to break his agreement with it. No romance - and it would continue.
But what in the world did that creature have against romance anyway?
With a glance to make sure no one even saw him thinking such traitorous thoughts, he turned back toward his computer, sighing.
He didn't notice the woman standing just outside the window, staring at the place from where the creature had vanished.
*****
File #11211013
Investigation of Chris Carter, creator of the "X-files"
... So, in summary, Chris Carter proves to be nothing more than an average television show producer. Nothing points to any connections with foreign intelligence agencies, or any activity against either the governments of Canada or the United States. Although there have been several strange reports of him talking to a gray creature none can identity, clearly these hallucinations have more basis in over-active imaginations than fact. Especially since there are no such things as aliens ...
The man put the report down next to the ash-tray with a still- smoking Morley. Although his superiors had thought him insane when he ordered the investigation of that TV show whose ideas sometimes came too close to reality - the proof was now before him, typed in plain black-and-white. The truth behind the television show named X. He should have realized it long ago.
"Gnfyer, get your little gray ass in here!"
The gray alien appeared before him, their version of a grin gracing his face. "Yes sir? Your coffee too hot; too cold?"
Sometimes the damn thing could be so annoying, especially when he was trying to be condescending. Yeah, he was a *great* pick for a diplomat. Even knowing that most of his people weren't any better. "Oh cut the crap, Gnfyer and read this."
It squinted at it for an instant, then laughed. "'Especially since there are no such things as aliens ...', Mr. High and Mighty thinks he knows everything, doesn't he. Do you want us to give his disbelief a little shake?"
The man gritted his teeth, knowing exactly what the damn thing was trying to do. "NOT THAT, GNFYER!" Calming down (you didn't want to anger the most important allies in this section of the universe) he continued "Read the line before it."
"Yes?"
"One of you is assisting that man in the creation of that show, aren't you."
"It appears that way."
Damn evasive creatures, always sticking their noses where they didn't belong. "Who ... and why? Do you know what they've done with me? Now I'm the next great television villain - they've so mis-portrayed me! Why would one of you do that?" he moaned.
"For fun? We love television and seek to improve it in any way we can. It's the one original thing you Earthers have come up with."
Putting his head in his hands, the man moaned. "But if you reveal our projects to the world ... especially if you mis- represent them ..."
"It's *fiction*. Do you actually thing anyone believes it?" Gnfyer was getting whiny, not a mood he wanted to deal with him in.
The man got up and walked out of the room, still shaking his head. He couldn't believe what they had to put up with to ally themselves with these things. The universe's party animals, which only concerned themselves with what they found funny ... damn idiots who never thought what their actions could do ...
He was so involved in his thoughts that he didn't hear Gnfyer's last wailing comment: "I like feeding the American paranoia - it's fun! Besides, I just *couldn't* let it become another 'Moonlighters'."
End.