existing life
I went to my best friend J's sister's HS graduation a couple of years ago. It was a weird experience returning to that high school environment that I wanted so badly to move on from. All the superficiality and the intense desire for people who don't even matter anymore to like you. My stomach turned a bit as so many of those feelings returned hoping that I was a better person (at least looked the part on the outside) than 3 years prior. The bad parts of high school I left behind. I took all of the good times with me manifested in J who sits next to me. The faculty speaker was Mrs. Tate, my English teacher for sophomore and junior year, and also one of my favorite teachers. All of the events of that day have faded into the background of my memory but the one thing that stuck out was the meaning of Mrs. Tate's speech. "Don't just exist but live your life."
How should you define living from existing? To live is to take advantage of as many opportunities or experiences that you can in the limited time that you are alive. To exist is to just be. To go through life. That's it to just go through life, without too much meaning, not investing yourself to something larger than yourself, and not experiencing much of anything to look back on with pride. These are the definitions that Mrs. Tate implies in her speech to pump up the graduating seniors. The speech was well intended and inspiring but leaves out the complexities and ambiguity that accompanies the realities (or at least my reality) of these terms and of life. I have really tried to live that definition on "living" and invest myself in others and experience the "fruits of life," but after so much investing, experiencing, forgiving, and trying to love unconditionally with my heart on my sleeve I am at this point hurt, broken hearted, sad, and long for an eternal sleep and peace of mind.
And now I just exist. Existing is acknowledging that life is larger than who I am, but have grown too tired and weary to further explore the endless depths of living. I know better, that I should have Faith, get up, and keep trying to explore. But who says that's what I should do? Who defines "should"? I tire of listening to people's "shoulds" and even my own "shoulds". Who are "they" to lecture, but who am I to give up? But after all that I have attempted and endured I am "existing" life because I tried to live it. Ironic isn't it?
How should you define living from existing? To live is to take advantage of as many opportunities or experiences that you can in the limited time that you are alive. To exist is to just be. To go through life. That's it to just go through life, without too much meaning, not investing yourself to something larger than yourself, and not experiencing much of anything to look back on with pride. These are the definitions that Mrs. Tate implies in her speech to pump up the graduating seniors. The speech was well intended and inspiring but leaves out the complexities and ambiguity that accompanies the realities (or at least my reality) of these terms and of life. I have really tried to live that definition on "living" and invest myself in others and experience the "fruits of life," but after so much investing, experiencing, forgiving, and trying to love unconditionally with my heart on my sleeve I am at this point hurt, broken hearted, sad, and long for an eternal sleep and peace of mind.
And now I just exist. Existing is acknowledging that life is larger than who I am, but have grown too tired and weary to further explore the endless depths of living. I know better, that I should have Faith, get up, and keep trying to explore. But who says that's what I should do? Who defines "should"? I tire of listening to people's "shoulds" and even my own "shoulds". Who are "they" to lecture, but who am I to give up? But after all that I have attempted and endured I am "existing" life because I tried to live it. Ironic isn't it?