Reflections
What am i doing... I think I am fucking up my relationship and i just don;t know how to fix it. Maybe Paul is right no matter what he does I won't ever be truly happy. He has changed so much and I have seen him try so hard, and it doesn't even register with me when he does something I don't like, that is all I think about. In a lot of ways I am selfish and delusional. I walked into this relationship knowing certain things and accepting them, what changed? He has tried so hard to make me happy and yet, like in all life, we forget the good and linger on the bad. Maybe that is what I can change, try to linger on the good and just let the bad go. I really don't know how to do that.
I have been so wrapped up in the ideal. I thought at some point I will get to be pampered and have everything I want; the whole princess dream. I don't think any man can give that to me and I am definitely not going to get it on my own. Why am I so hung up on it. Am I really that mad that the dishes don't get done? What am I really mad about? And why do I have to be psycho about it? This isn't me and I don't like it.
Before it was legitimately his problem, and he still contributes to it, but at what point do I say it's my fault too. At what point have I let his problems drive me to be someone else. Like I said I don't really know what to do to change. I read somewhere about change: First you catch yourself afterward, then you start realizing it while it is happening, and eventually you will be able to stop yourself before it happens.
I am going to linger on the good things. Linger on the roses on our anniversery, the jewlery at christmas. Him telling me that I am strong - strong people don't give up. Linger on the changes he has made for me and the love I have for him.
I already know our relationship will always have problems, and currently I am only adding to them. He has such a strong defense system built up from his last baby mama drama. He will never truly trust me not to cheat and not to play games with him. But I have a choice, I can continue to let him turn me into some psycho game playing bitch to counteract him or I can try my hardest to be the loving, caring, take it all in stride girl he fell in love with 2 and a half years ago.
Some of you may see our relationship as him taking advantage of me in some way, or unbalanced, but it's not. When I started caring if things were fair and even and measuring the worth of one action against another, that is when I started having problems. As far as I have seen and heard in any relationship, friends or family, that is when you start having problems. It is an invitation for envy and resentment to enter your heart. I was the happiest in my life when I lived by the rule - don't keep track because eventually it will get paid back one way or another.
I hope I have lived up to that rule with all of my friends.
I have been so wrapped up in the ideal. I thought at some point I will get to be pampered and have everything I want; the whole princess dream. I don't think any man can give that to me and I am definitely not going to get it on my own. Why am I so hung up on it. Am I really that mad that the dishes don't get done? What am I really mad about? And why do I have to be psycho about it? This isn't me and I don't like it.
Before it was legitimately his problem, and he still contributes to it, but at what point do I say it's my fault too. At what point have I let his problems drive me to be someone else. Like I said I don't really know what to do to change. I read somewhere about change: First you catch yourself afterward, then you start realizing it while it is happening, and eventually you will be able to stop yourself before it happens.
I am going to linger on the good things. Linger on the roses on our anniversery, the jewlery at christmas. Him telling me that I am strong - strong people don't give up. Linger on the changes he has made for me and the love I have for him.
I already know our relationship will always have problems, and currently I am only adding to them. He has such a strong defense system built up from his last baby mama drama. He will never truly trust me not to cheat and not to play games with him. But I have a choice, I can continue to let him turn me into some psycho game playing bitch to counteract him or I can try my hardest to be the loving, caring, take it all in stride girl he fell in love with 2 and a half years ago.
Some of you may see our relationship as him taking advantage of me in some way, or unbalanced, but it's not. When I started caring if things were fair and even and measuring the worth of one action against another, that is when I started having problems. As far as I have seen and heard in any relationship, friends or family, that is when you start having problems. It is an invitation for envy and resentment to enter your heart. I was the happiest in my life when I lived by the rule - don't keep track because eventually it will get paid back one way or another.
I hope I have lived up to that rule with all of my friends.