(no subject)
Tonight is a particularly bad night, though I can't really say any of them are good. I had a fine day, nothing to speak of, so what is it that makes me like this? I went to work, got to go in an hour late, got out of their early, came back and got out early again. I didn't have any bad tables and I love the people I work with. I met alan kyle and becky at wild wing followed by Halo at alan's house. I was fighting off anxiety attacks left and right during halo. I drove home in a blur, thoughts racing through my mind. I don't remember the whole thing, but I got here anyway. Now that I am home I want to collapse, I want to fall asleep and wake up somewhere else, in someone else's body, in some other world.
I don't know why it is that people don't understand me, or think I'm crazy, or whatever else it is. I'm tired of my sugar coating. I want to say what I feel, and I feel like shit. Allow me to clarify some things, because perhaps I was unclear in what I had said. I planned a birthday party because I wanted my friends to come. I wanted to see people I hadn't had the opportunity to see in a long time. I planned it at home because I knew this would be the best way to do so. I had a great response and i was so excited. I spent monday preparing, cleaning the house, cooking 4 different kinds of desserts because I had such an overwhelming response to my invitation. I was EXCITED to be able to see all these people who I adore, but haven't been fortunate enough to hang out with. And I don't think anybody can blame me for being upset, or feeling let down by the fact that there were people who had said they were coming that didn't. That didn't call, that didn't respond to IMs, that didn't write an email, or make an LJ comment. Just never showed up. And the truth is, i'm easy...even late phone calls and emails were okay with me, a simple apology, some recognition is all I ever wanted. I don't expect people to remember my birthday (I don't remember theirs) but when it is thrown in their faces day after day, it hurts to have no response from the ones I care about, no matter what level I care about them on. I said I was upset not because I wanted to guilt trip people. (I never do anything intending to distance people...I thrive on my friends and my relationships). I said it because I wanted people to know, because no matter what I set my mind to, my heart never gives up on people. Because, quite frankly, I'm weak and sometimes I just need to know that people care. To know theyre there for me even though I may not always be a great friend, or even though we haven't talked in a while.
Your words stung, burned, echoed. I wanted to write a letter, seal it with a tear. I wanted to tell you of how you always made me feel less then, made me feel undeserving. I wanted to tell you of how you made me self concious, of how you lowered parts of my esteem that were always high, about how you made those that were already low hit rock bottom, about how you made me question myself. I was going to tell you about how I looked up to you, how I changed trying to win your impossible approval. And then I realized that I could tell you these things 100 times over, and you still wouldn't care. You'd just keep on putting me down, and I don't need that anymore. Its a rotten and cheap way of avoiding a reality, a broken heart, a guilty conscience and I'm tired of being victim to it.
Here I am, please someone, turn on the light
I don't know why it is that people don't understand me, or think I'm crazy, or whatever else it is. I'm tired of my sugar coating. I want to say what I feel, and I feel like shit. Allow me to clarify some things, because perhaps I was unclear in what I had said. I planned a birthday party because I wanted my friends to come. I wanted to see people I hadn't had the opportunity to see in a long time. I planned it at home because I knew this would be the best way to do so. I had a great response and i was so excited. I spent monday preparing, cleaning the house, cooking 4 different kinds of desserts because I had such an overwhelming response to my invitation. I was EXCITED to be able to see all these people who I adore, but haven't been fortunate enough to hang out with. And I don't think anybody can blame me for being upset, or feeling let down by the fact that there were people who had said they were coming that didn't. That didn't call, that didn't respond to IMs, that didn't write an email, or make an LJ comment. Just never showed up. And the truth is, i'm easy...even late phone calls and emails were okay with me, a simple apology, some recognition is all I ever wanted. I don't expect people to remember my birthday (I don't remember theirs) but when it is thrown in their faces day after day, it hurts to have no response from the ones I care about, no matter what level I care about them on. I said I was upset not because I wanted to guilt trip people. (I never do anything intending to distance people...I thrive on my friends and my relationships). I said it because I wanted people to know, because no matter what I set my mind to, my heart never gives up on people. Because, quite frankly, I'm weak and sometimes I just need to know that people care. To know theyre there for me even though I may not always be a great friend, or even though we haven't talked in a while.
Your words stung, burned, echoed. I wanted to write a letter, seal it with a tear. I wanted to tell you of how you always made me feel less then, made me feel undeserving. I wanted to tell you of how you made me self concious, of how you lowered parts of my esteem that were always high, about how you made those that were already low hit rock bottom, about how you made me question myself. I was going to tell you about how I looked up to you, how I changed trying to win your impossible approval. And then I realized that I could tell you these things 100 times over, and you still wouldn't care. You'd just keep on putting me down, and I don't need that anymore. Its a rotten and cheap way of avoiding a reality, a broken heart, a guilty conscience and I'm tired of being victim to it.
Here I am, please someone, turn on the light