Remember when we used to make our hands bleed...
I had all this insightful stuff I was going to write about last night, but I didn't because I was tired. "It's okay," I said, "you'll remember it tomorrow." But really I don't remember that much of it. I suppose its just not meant to be.
Its been a good week so far. I came home Tuesday night, having wasted the entire day putting off packing (needless to say I have about four outfits I can cycle through currently). We celebrated the one day of Hannukah we had left to celebrate as a family. I got a "beddy bear" heating pad thing, some PJs pants, a necklace, money, cute underwear and such from the parents. Daniel got me a CD and a UGA keychain (since my mom AND brother are both going there now, I should have some dawg spirit). After that Alan Andrew and Kendra came and picked me up and it was off to IHOP for cold breakfast food, even after being sent back to the kitchen for heating. *sigh* Also, fyi, no split checks after 9pm folks. Then to wa-ho with cat brenna and kason. We played mash. I got the worst husbands ever. boo
Yesterday I worked and then had linner with Alan and Ray, followed by shopping with Alan. Then it was of to christmukah. Good to see the old crew again. Everybody looks so good and grown up. I really do miss the olden days. I feel like an old lady...
I decided that my relationship with Kevin screwed me over. Not that it was his fault, just that it's really messed up the love department. Kevin was, essentially the antithesis of what I though my "mr. perfect" was, but somehow I found myself so incredibly taken by him. He wasn't always nice, he didn't always treat me well. We didn't agree on a lot of issues, and by a lot I mean most. But, the connection we had was like no other. There wasn't ever a time where I talked to him and didn't feel like my eyes were sparkling. There was never a time, no matter how mad or frustrated with him I may have been, that I didn't feel that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach. And that totally messed me up, and I don't know what to do about it, I've tried everything.
And then theres the problem, that I am not even entirely sure I know who I am. And how, how can you possibly invite another person to be an important part of your life if you don't have it figured out first? i change depending on the people I am hanging out with, and I know everybody does this, but I think I do it more then most. Sometimes I am bad, sometimes I do things I am ashamed of. But, sometimes I brag about these to try to impress people, and other times I hide them to try to impress people. The truth is I am embarassed, and both of those actions are techniques of relieving the anxiety which thinking about them causes me. I think though I've learned my lessons, and I'm trying to change.
Why has college been such a flop for me love wise? This is a question I've been asking myself for a while now, and I have theorized all sorts of reasons. I would say first I'm not a huge party person and a lot of people are in college. Not necessarily frat parties by any means, but just all the drinking and smoking and such. Not my scene - only once in a blue moon. Other then that I think its because I don't like dating. I'm not comfortable enough with myself perhaps to go on dates. Theyre awkward and you hardly really get what you see. People put on shows for dates, theyre all dressed up nice with cologne, using all their manners, on their best behavior. You only talk about certain things to be polite, you censor your language. Ugh, its all just silly. I like being at school with people. Seeing them with their guard down. Getting to know each other. Having a crush, getting dressed up pretty for class. But theres nobody I want at Oglethorpe (or at least nobody I want thats attainable) and so...then if I want boys I must date, and yeah...see above.
The weekend holds works for me and thats about all. Possibly a "Saved" viewing on sunday evening. Thats okay though, I am in desperate need of the money. This whole christmas thing is expensive. I think I should boycott it. Unless, of course, you want to give me gifts, in which case I will make an exception.
I don't feel beautiful these days. I feel like I've let myself go, which makes me sad. I am trying to fix it now, but its hard. Its a constant conflict of interest. I want to live a lifestyle I want to live.
I hate running, but if I want to stay even remotely in shape I need more excercise then I'm currently getting (who ever thought three nights of dance a week wouldnt be enough??). I hate not being able to eat what I want to eat. I hate that I used to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and be okay with what I saw, and now...I avoid looking in the mirror. I used to enjoy shopping and now I despise it. I used to have confidence and while i stil appear to, really its a big empty space. Its insecurities. Its wanting to not leave my house, not flirt, not even try. blah blah blah.
I love you all! =)
Its been a good week so far. I came home Tuesday night, having wasted the entire day putting off packing (needless to say I have about four outfits I can cycle through currently). We celebrated the one day of Hannukah we had left to celebrate as a family. I got a "beddy bear" heating pad thing, some PJs pants, a necklace, money, cute underwear and such from the parents. Daniel got me a CD and a UGA keychain (since my mom AND brother are both going there now, I should have some dawg spirit). After that Alan Andrew and Kendra came and picked me up and it was off to IHOP for cold breakfast food, even after being sent back to the kitchen for heating. *sigh* Also, fyi, no split checks after 9pm folks. Then to wa-ho with cat brenna and kason. We played mash. I got the worst husbands ever. boo
Yesterday I worked and then had linner with Alan and Ray, followed by shopping with Alan. Then it was of to christmukah. Good to see the old crew again. Everybody looks so good and grown up. I really do miss the olden days. I feel like an old lady...
I decided that my relationship with Kevin screwed me over. Not that it was his fault, just that it's really messed up the love department. Kevin was, essentially the antithesis of what I though my "mr. perfect" was, but somehow I found myself so incredibly taken by him. He wasn't always nice, he didn't always treat me well. We didn't agree on a lot of issues, and by a lot I mean most. But, the connection we had was like no other. There wasn't ever a time where I talked to him and didn't feel like my eyes were sparkling. There was never a time, no matter how mad or frustrated with him I may have been, that I didn't feel that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach. And that totally messed me up, and I don't know what to do about it, I've tried everything.
And then theres the problem, that I am not even entirely sure I know who I am. And how, how can you possibly invite another person to be an important part of your life if you don't have it figured out first? i change depending on the people I am hanging out with, and I know everybody does this, but I think I do it more then most. Sometimes I am bad, sometimes I do things I am ashamed of. But, sometimes I brag about these to try to impress people, and other times I hide them to try to impress people. The truth is I am embarassed, and both of those actions are techniques of relieving the anxiety which thinking about them causes me. I think though I've learned my lessons, and I'm trying to change.
Why has college been such a flop for me love wise? This is a question I've been asking myself for a while now, and I have theorized all sorts of reasons. I would say first I'm not a huge party person and a lot of people are in college. Not necessarily frat parties by any means, but just all the drinking and smoking and such. Not my scene - only once in a blue moon. Other then that I think its because I don't like dating. I'm not comfortable enough with myself perhaps to go on dates. Theyre awkward and you hardly really get what you see. People put on shows for dates, theyre all dressed up nice with cologne, using all their manners, on their best behavior. You only talk about certain things to be polite, you censor your language. Ugh, its all just silly. I like being at school with people. Seeing them with their guard down. Getting to know each other. Having a crush, getting dressed up pretty for class. But theres nobody I want at Oglethorpe (or at least nobody I want thats attainable) and so...then if I want boys I must date, and yeah...see above.
The weekend holds works for me and thats about all. Possibly a "Saved" viewing on sunday evening. Thats okay though, I am in desperate need of the money. This whole christmas thing is expensive. I think I should boycott it. Unless, of course, you want to give me gifts, in which case I will make an exception.
I don't feel beautiful these days. I feel like I've let myself go, which makes me sad. I am trying to fix it now, but its hard. Its a constant conflict of interest. I want to live a lifestyle I want to live.
I hate running, but if I want to stay even remotely in shape I need more excercise then I'm currently getting (who ever thought three nights of dance a week wouldnt be enough??). I hate not being able to eat what I want to eat. I hate that I used to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and be okay with what I saw, and now...I avoid looking in the mirror. I used to enjoy shopping and now I despise it. I used to have confidence and while i stil appear to, really its a big empty space. Its insecurities. Its wanting to not leave my house, not flirt, not even try. blah blah blah.
I love you all! =)