Judgment
So the one person that I have tried to hide my habit of smoking from is Mr. Hoyt
I have succeeded in this attempt until today- it lasted 3 years, but I guess it was doomed to get out sometime
Fucking facebook
I just feel like shit. I didn't want him to know because I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. I remember him telling me stories of past basketball players that started smoking and how he didn't like it and was disappointed in them. I always strive to be a good, pure person to people I look up to, and it just makes me feel like shit when it comes out I'm not everything that they thought I was.
I talked to my dad last night and told him i'd be around home at 6 or 7. Of course, I come in the door at 10:00. They don't say anything to me-which they usually do. I say HI, and alls I get back is a lazy "hello."
Feels like judgment to me. All throughout my life, I've tried to live up to their standards by lying up and down and around. It's the only way I can get them to not be "disappointed" in me.
But that's not me. I'm really sick of lying, but I feel there's no other way. If I tried to tell them the truth they would either say no, or judge me.
I need to move out. I am 20 years old, I am grown up and should not be STILL trying to impress my fucking parents.
I'm not my precious brother. I fucking rebelled. I smoked like a chimney last night. I got drunk. I had sex. I ate a whole medium pizza-and threw it up. But! I did step outside while a group of people were smoking pot. I found a lost dog. And I think....I think that I might have made a positive influence on the relationship with Dave's sister.
I called in sick today to work because I hate my job and needed an entire day to spend with my boyfriend...we haven't done that in months-lying around with each other, for an entire day.
It was amazing.
I'm sick of the judgment...but I won't do anything about it.
Please god give me the strength to move out of this sweet-loving, innocent, big-ass house
peace
amanda
I have succeeded in this attempt until today- it lasted 3 years, but I guess it was doomed to get out sometime
Fucking facebook
I just feel like shit. I didn't want him to know because I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. I remember him telling me stories of past basketball players that started smoking and how he didn't like it and was disappointed in them. I always strive to be a good, pure person to people I look up to, and it just makes me feel like shit when it comes out I'm not everything that they thought I was.
I talked to my dad last night and told him i'd be around home at 6 or 7. Of course, I come in the door at 10:00. They don't say anything to me-which they usually do. I say HI, and alls I get back is a lazy "hello."
Feels like judgment to me. All throughout my life, I've tried to live up to their standards by lying up and down and around. It's the only way I can get them to not be "disappointed" in me.
But that's not me. I'm really sick of lying, but I feel there's no other way. If I tried to tell them the truth they would either say no, or judge me.
I need to move out. I am 20 years old, I am grown up and should not be STILL trying to impress my fucking parents.
I'm not my precious brother. I fucking rebelled. I smoked like a chimney last night. I got drunk. I had sex. I ate a whole medium pizza-and threw it up. But! I did step outside while a group of people were smoking pot. I found a lost dog. And I think....I think that I might have made a positive influence on the relationship with Dave's sister.
I called in sick today to work because I hate my job and needed an entire day to spend with my boyfriend...we haven't done that in months-lying around with each other, for an entire day.
It was amazing.
I'm sick of the judgment...but I won't do anything about it.
Please god give me the strength to move out of this sweet-loving, innocent, big-ass house
peace
amanda