SPN: Stop the Clock; PG; Dean, Sam
Title: Stop the Clock
Rating: PG
Characters: Dean, Sam
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: Dean thinks about how things have changed, and how he wishes they would be. Ep. coda 4.18 MatEotB
Warnings: Mentions of past character death, some harsh language.
Note: I swear, one of these days I'm actually going to write some Wincest...
The rain is coming down harder and harder, and the tarp won't stop blowing in the air. All Dean can do is watch the road, won't even turn on the music, because he wants to be able to think. Something that only a year and a half ago, he never would have considered, because that was all Sammy's thing.
But then, Sam's not really his Sammy anymore, is he? He's turning into something, and Dean can't stop it. Wonders, not for the first time, if he's the cause. Bringing Sam back when he died, making that damned deal in the first place. He wishes he could believe otherwise, but so far, it seems like everything is his fault, whether he wants it to be or not.
Dad's death-he wasn't strong enough to fight off Azazel. And then Sam, should have been faster, should have gone farther, should have pushed the Impala to every limit he knew because he had to get to Sam-and failing that, making sure that bastard Jake didn't die soon enough. And the Apocalypse... Well, there was no end to how royally he'd screwed that up.
He misses the time from before. When he'd still enjoyed hunting. When angels didn't exist, when he and Sam where searching for their Dad, unaware of what was going on but doing what they'd been raised to do. And yeah, things weren't easy then. Hell, how could they be? Jess had just been killed; their Dad had been missing...
But Dean had still had Sammy. He'd been having visions and going through some hard shit, but his brother had known what it was to smile. He still had that innocence about him that made Dean wish he could lock his brother up somewhere and make sure nothing bad ever got to him again. Sam had had his secrets, hell, couldn't really blame the kid, but he still told his older brother all the important stuff. He didn't hide anything from him. As much as Sammy had bitched and complained, he'd been willing to give in to his brother's over-protectiveness because he knew what keeping his family safe meant to Dean.
Now though... Now they can't get through a job without arguing, or going silent with each other. And Dean knows that there are still things Sam's not telling him. How could he believe any different? Trusting his brother isn't something Dean would have ever thought would be an issue. He can't be so sure anymore.
Sam's fallen asleep by now. Dean will look over at him, watch how the light catches his face, see how even in sleep, Sam is still pensive, still guarded. And Dean wishes, with everything that's left of him, that they could go back, so all Dean would have to worry about is keeping his little brother out of harm’s way.