Questions and Contemplations
So this post started as just a “response to a meme”. A friend of mine posted this “seven questions” meme… one of those, “I’ll answer these questions and then if you comment I will give you seven questions to post on your own journal.” You’re definitely welcome to comment and if you’d like, I’ll give you seven questions that you can take to your blog or Facebook or Tumblr or wherever else you like to share yourself with the world of the internet. This, however, is mine, and I wanted to share it because, well, I was actually rather shocked at some of my own responses. On top of that I haven’t blogged in quite some time, and I suppose I’m reaching a point where I’m willing to share a little bit more of Crys with the world again. At any rate, if you find it interesting that’s great, if not, that’s perfectly alright too. :)
1.you get one do over in your life. what is it and why?
This one will be a surprise to most people who know me well, especially anyone who has known me since before 2005. Goodness knows it was a surprise to me.
I’ve always struggled with this question. I don’t really like regret, because I tend to appreciate where even my bad decisions have brought me and what I’ve learned from them. But there’s one that I always wonder about… I would say, if I could go back in time, and just impress some sense upon myself, I would go back in time to the point that I found out that I was pregnant, and I would impress upon myself my knowledge that I had the ability and the strength and the choice to tell my son’s father to go fuck himself, stand on my own two feet and stop talking to the bastard… and probably, at the end of the day, put him up for adoption. I’m amazed now at saying that because of how angry I was at the time that people around me were trying to push me to do it. It was just that though; they were trying to push me to do it, and that was what I was always angry about in the end. But the odd part to me, is that even though their methods were ineffective and kinda misled… I’ve reached a point in my life where I think that they were probably right. If they would have let me be, I probably still wouldn’t have made that decision… I think that I was too immature and selfish then. I don’t know if I would have still lost him or not… probably, but it’s hard to say. But knowing that I had that ability at that time I think would have done a lot to help me through it even if I still miscarried.
2.what is your all time favorite movie?
That’s tough to narrow down. I usually answer with “Ever After”, and I adore that movie. Here lately though I’ve been realizing just how much I favor the Back to the Future trilogy, and always have… specifically the third in the series. So at the moment, I’m gonna say that.
3.what is your biggest flaw?
Wow, I have to pick one?
Hm, well I would say that my biggest flaw, or at least the aspect of my personality that seems to cause me the most trouble, is my propensity for self-doubt. Deep down I think I feel like I’m capable of damned near anything, but when push comes to shove sometimes I just can’t bring myself to try because I don’t think I’ll really be able to do it, and I’ll have wasted all that time, energy, and emotion that I’ve put into whatever I’m putting it into. Second to that is probably a lack of self-discipline and an overwhelming ability to make excuses for myself. I fight these things all of the time.
4.what season is your favorite and why?
I used to adore fall. Now, however, I think my favorite is probably spring. It’s the sense that we’ve had a long, dark, and rough time of it through the winter, and now we’re coming out of it. Things smell fresh, flowers are beginning to bloom… we’re right on the cusp of awesomeness and it feels like all of nature is coming back to life again.
5.what is the biggest dream you have?
Just to make something of myself that I can be proud of. Right now I’m hoping for that in the realm of my musicianship. My biggest dream is to be able to be proud of myself for finishing and succeeding at something major, and then to be able to accept that sense of pride and put it in the place where any pride from my parents will never go, and to be okay with that.
6.you have unlimited resources what do you do and where do you go and why?
ALL THE THINGS!!! LOL. First I would build a house for Chris and I and the cats, with extra rooms so that we can have people over all of the time and give people a place to sleep if they need it, if they’re hard up on their luck or something. WITH a garden-tube in the bathroom. I don’t care what else is in the house, I just want a big ‘ol bathtub. I’d put a trampoline in my backyard… because that’s just a necessity. Maybe a pool too, but that’d be a bit much. A hot-tub would do nicely, and Chris would enjoy that. And then I’d travel like a maniac, but I’d take someone with me on every single trip. I’d pick one or two friends for each trip, preferably someone who can’t afford it, just drag them around and give them opportunities to see things they wouldn’t see otherwise. A million dollars would only be fun with me if I could share it with all the cool people.
And I’d be able to help anyone in need that I found that just needed food in their belly, clothes, and a roof over their head, something to help them get on their feet again. I’d probably start my own charity, really, as opposed to trusting other folks to do it. And then for my charity I’d hire half of a staff of fully capable and trained people and half of a staff of unemployed people who want to help others but don’t have a lot of skills to offer (they think), and then help them find out what their strengths and talents are and work with those to hone them into real, useable, and self-sustainable job skills. Then I’d make a bunch of CD’s and see if they sold, and if they did give all the money they make to people who need it, and give lots of them away for free, and be constantly giving gifts to all sorts of artists to help them get their careers off the ground.
7.what does faith really mean to you?
Another very tough question. Faith means a lot of things to me. In one way, it means believing in something you have no other way of perceiving because someone else says it’s there, and that seems foolish. On the other hand, faith is also that thing that you have for people when you are hoping that they will do the right thing for themselves, or when you desperately need help and you don’t know where to turn. For me personally, faith is having a sense that there’s something out there in the universe that just has my back, and I don’t know what it is or why really, but it always seems to pull me through. My Christian friends would say that it’s their God. My Pagan friends might say it’s the Fates. My Atheist friends would say that it’s just my imagination. In the end, I tend to doubt that it’s really just one thing, and it may not have any sort of consciousness at all, but it’s sort of a conglomeration of different ideas and love from people around me and things that I’ve sent out into the universe for others… something like Karma, I suppose. Or some sort of ultimate karmic source. It doesn’t necessarily have to be particularly spiritual, and sometimes it really isn’t to me. Sometimes I think that it’s just my perception that convinces me that it really exists at all, just my monkey brain needing to explain things in some way or needing to have some hope. But I liked what Dumbledore said about the “afterlife”, really, and I’d apply it to this “thing” as well… “Of course it’s all in your head… but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.” Of course that’s a phrase to definitely be careful with, because anyone’s mind could take it the wrong way. But if you think about it in sort of a zen kinda way? It explains a little bit my sense of “faith”, I think.
I have “faith” that there are things out there that I just don’t get, I don’t know why they are the way they are and I don’t know if they’re going to stay that way, but I have faith that the world and the people around me surprise me all of the time, and often in good ways.
Originally posted at Crystal's World Feel free to comment here or there.