How far I've come
When I look back at how my life has gone since high school and where it seems to be going, I am pretty pleased with it. I get to live with my favorite person in the world, I get along with my family, I get to do the science I want to do, and I get to live in San Francisco. If you had asked me in high school what my dream life would be, I think this would be close to it. Of course, there are minor details that I complain about, but that doesn't change anything. On Mt. Rainier a month ago, prompted by the immanent terror of a deep crevasse, I came to terms with the fact that while I really didn't want to die, I felt like I had lived well and didn't have any regrets.
Happily, the crevasses did not swallow me, and I'm still alive, and mostly well, and now there's a whole new host of problems to overcome. As an undergrad, I always felt like I was dumber than most of my peers (or at least the ones I cared about) and this bothered me mostly because it offended my ever-so-inflated and prickly vanity. Now, as a graduate student, I feel like I am not as willing to put in long hours as my successful peers, and this bothers me because I don't know that I can be successful as a graduate student/scientist while living a sane and happy life.
This is an uncertainty in my life, and while it's definitely a good problem to have (as opposed to, say, being a leper) it's uncomfortable because it's so uncertain. Who knows whether I will succeed or fail at this effort level? It will probably take more effort at least part of the time in order to get things done, but will that be something sustainable? And what will I be willing to give up in order to succeed in grad school? Not much, I think, although I'm sure I could be more efficient in some ways, though not necessarily in enough ways.
I shall see. In a few years these uncertain things won't be so uncertain.
Happily, the crevasses did not swallow me, and I'm still alive, and mostly well, and now there's a whole new host of problems to overcome. As an undergrad, I always felt like I was dumber than most of my peers (or at least the ones I cared about) and this bothered me mostly because it offended my ever-so-inflated and prickly vanity. Now, as a graduate student, I feel like I am not as willing to put in long hours as my successful peers, and this bothers me because I don't know that I can be successful as a graduate student/scientist while living a sane and happy life.
This is an uncertainty in my life, and while it's definitely a good problem to have (as opposed to, say, being a leper) it's uncomfortable because it's so uncertain. Who knows whether I will succeed or fail at this effort level? It will probably take more effort at least part of the time in order to get things done, but will that be something sustainable? And what will I be willing to give up in order to succeed in grad school? Not much, I think, although I'm sure I could be more efficient in some ways, though not necessarily in enough ways.
I shall see. In a few years these uncertain things won't be so uncertain.