Rachael Jeanette-Leigh Vallone
Rachael, stop. What are you doing? Absolutely fucking nothing. When mom yells at you and puts you down i know you want to die. I know that if you had the choice you wouldnt wake up every morning. I know that being called a waste of life, worthless, fat, stupid, an asshole, a jackass, a piece of shit, makes you actually believe what she says. I know that you feel like theres no hope. I know that you know, that you can be normal again. I know that you know a lot of it is mental. I know you feel that you have no support from your mom, or your dad, or your sister. I know you felt abandoned. I know you still hurt from trusting joey so much and having someone give up on you. I know youre afraid to cry. I know youre afraid of going outside, taking a shower, getting ready, sleeping, waking up, being online, sitting still, being cold, passing out, being too active, talking too much, youre afraid your heart isnt strong, your kidneys are failing, and your brain is usless. Youre afraid youre going insane. You believe God doesnt want you here anymore. Youre convinced death is lingering over your head everyday. You feel that you are too far in the black hole to even have hope that one day you will rise again. You hate everything around you. You resent the people you loved the most. Youre disgusted with what you have become. Youre fat, youre weak, youre pathetic, youre a wreck, and no body wants to put up with you anymore. You have become everything you swore you never would be. You used to be able to accomplish so much. Put up with so much stress. You worked 2 jobs, you had a relationship, you went to school, you can do it but you choose not to. Because youre afraid. Because you know it can hurt you, you know your sugar will get low you know youll get very tired you know you will have to struggle more. And youre sick of struggling for nearly 5 years. You wish giving up was as easy as it sounds. Youre sick of hearing mom bitch about everything. You feel guilty about the medical bills, for letting her down, for now being the one child that did something right. You hate yourself for it. You hate your father because he doesnt care. You hate that you care that he doesnt care. You hate your sister for not understaning. You hate that she doesnt listen. You hate being told what to do over and over and over, when you KNOW what to do. Youre waiting for that one fucking sign from god that one sign to tell you everything is going to be okay. And i think you know that you have gotten "the sign" repeatedly. Youre mentally blocked thinking so negatively that you just wont budge. You wish you could be locked in a white room with a strait jacket for a week to slowly die,... and then come out alive. Then there would be nothing to be afraid of would there? You want to jump off the tallest bridge, feel the wind, feel the freedom, hit the water, and float back up, becaus eyou know if you do that... theres nothing else to fear. But theres no bridges in las vegas, and the insane asylums are probably ghetto. You wish you could take back the past 5 years of your life, maybe even just the last 3 and never let love get the best of you. never let work get the best of you. Never let life get the best of you. But it did, and here you are, alone in rachael land left to pick up the pieces. You know that when you give advice you should listen to your own. But you dont. So here i am, Rachael Jeanette-Leigh Vallone, giving myself advice.
You can do it You are strong. Everything you set your mind to you can accomplish. You have god, you have your best friends, and you have yourself. You are strong and able. It will be hard,, it will be tough, youll want to fucking die and you will cry... a lot. But when you look back at this letter you will see how far you have progressed. You will grow and love yourself, you will not let your mom bring you down, you will not let the weather bring you down, you will not be weak anymore, you will try harder you will get better. You will accomplish everything youve ever wanted to and more. You will love again one day you will learn to forgive everyone you resent at the moment. You will love your life, You will have hobbies you will not be alone. You are strong and able.
You can do it You are strong. Everything you set your mind to you can accomplish. You have god, you have your best friends, and you have yourself. You are strong and able. It will be hard,, it will be tough, youll want to fucking die and you will cry... a lot. But when you look back at this letter you will see how far you have progressed. You will grow and love yourself, you will not let your mom bring you down, you will not let the weather bring you down, you will not be weak anymore, you will try harder you will get better. You will accomplish everything youve ever wanted to and more. You will love again one day you will learn to forgive everyone you resent at the moment. You will love your life, You will have hobbies you will not be alone. You are strong and able.