[08.24.07: can't sleep... frick!]
I picked up my bible. It came in the day I flew out, but I was running too late to pick it up before my trip to California. But I had time today, and it is important to me to have this. It's hard for me to begin each day with God in my heart and thoughts when I never grew up with such discipline. And that's what I'm seeking to learn, discipline. I have this book on order, as well. It should be here in roughly a week or so. I'm excited to crack it open.
Today I've been busy. I haven't been to sleep yet, which is going to be horrible later this evening when I have to go BACK to work. [eep!] I also found a really really neat internet radio station via ITunes. (www.air1.com) Plays really great music, music that is extremely relevant to where I'm at, right now. Seeking, desperately. Almost running on empty, ready to start over and get it Right, this time.
You know, it was interesting being around the Family, in that I never realized how irreligious we all are. I've always had the impression that our Family was very religious, but it turns out, the exact opposite is true. My brother and uncle gave me a ration of shit at the airport, when I told them I was getting baptized on the 28th. "Damn, I thought you're supposed to get smarter the older you get, Kristl"... I just had to tell them, that I don't push it on anyone else, but for me, it's an undeniable factor in my life that I've tried desperately to ignore my entire life. All simply because I've always been afraid to acknowledge Him, and to ask for Help and Forgiveness. It may sound silly, but I've always been scared to death of Him, afraid with all my heart and soul to rely on anything and anyone but myself. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and the events this last year, (the past events that have come back to haunt me, twenty years later) have really forced me to sit still and confront everything. I've finally figured out that I've always felt alone, and always been afraid to trust anyone. I've never felt safe, for as long as I can remember.
Yeah yeah, I know, roll your eyes. This isn't meant as a sob story, or a tear jerker, or some lame ass attempt at sympathy. Fuck that shit. That is so not who I am, or what I'm about. The truth is, though, that I have a serious issue with white-knuckling Life. I'm still scared to death to LET GO. I've always got to hold onto everything. Letting Go is terrifying for me. I keep begging for help, for guidance, and yet I cannot seem to make myself open my hands and let it go. That's what I mean by needing to learn discipline. Discipline with a capital D. I'm beginning to understand that it takes practice, of all things, to get it right. It feels awkward, but with practice, it gets a lot easier. I still stumble, a lot. But that's to be expected. I know that He has infinite patience and Love, for me.
That's the amazing thing, that I honestly DO believe that. Now to work on feeling worthy of such infinite patience and unconditional love.
Comment back:What does your weakness look like?
Today I've been busy. I haven't been to sleep yet, which is going to be horrible later this evening when I have to go BACK to work. [eep!] I also found a really really neat internet radio station via ITunes. (www.air1.com) Plays really great music, music that is extremely relevant to where I'm at, right now. Seeking, desperately. Almost running on empty, ready to start over and get it Right, this time.
You know, it was interesting being around the Family, in that I never realized how irreligious we all are. I've always had the impression that our Family was very religious, but it turns out, the exact opposite is true. My brother and uncle gave me a ration of shit at the airport, when I told them I was getting baptized on the 28th. "Damn, I thought you're supposed to get smarter the older you get, Kristl"... I just had to tell them, that I don't push it on anyone else, but for me, it's an undeniable factor in my life that I've tried desperately to ignore my entire life. All simply because I've always been afraid to acknowledge Him, and to ask for Help and Forgiveness. It may sound silly, but I've always been scared to death of Him, afraid with all my heart and soul to rely on anything and anyone but myself. I've been this way for as long as I can remember, and the events this last year, (the past events that have come back to haunt me, twenty years later) have really forced me to sit still and confront everything. I've finally figured out that I've always felt alone, and always been afraid to trust anyone. I've never felt safe, for as long as I can remember.
Yeah yeah, I know, roll your eyes. This isn't meant as a sob story, or a tear jerker, or some lame ass attempt at sympathy. Fuck that shit. That is so not who I am, or what I'm about. The truth is, though, that I have a serious issue with white-knuckling Life. I'm still scared to death to LET GO. I've always got to hold onto everything. Letting Go is terrifying for me. I keep begging for help, for guidance, and yet I cannot seem to make myself open my hands and let it go. That's what I mean by needing to learn discipline. Discipline with a capital D. I'm beginning to understand that it takes practice, of all things, to get it right. It feels awkward, but with practice, it gets a lot easier. I still stumble, a lot. But that's to be expected. I know that He has infinite patience and Love, for me.
That's the amazing thing, that I honestly DO believe that. Now to work on feeling worthy of such infinite patience and unconditional love.
Comment back:What does your weakness look like?