life is wierd
I started out today once again not well rested with the last wisps of my nightmares escaping me. My dad wonders why I don't go to bed earlier since it is hard for me to get up in the morning. I can't really tell him that at 23 I am having nightmares every night for the past several nights can I? I guess that maybe my feelings of having made peace with the past were over optomistic, but I'd rather be optomistic than pessimistic. I think the reoccuring nightmares might be my mind trying to deal with some of the past. I found some old writings today that did show me how far I have come though. That is why I would rather be optomistic. Today also was good that I was truely making my own decisions that were at least more thought out than in the past. Simple common sense things but to me they were pretty big steps in the right direction. I researched the class and teachers before I decided and registered. Up to this point I had pretty much relied on what was left and the luck of the draw, letting others and circumstance decide my life. I actually researched in the library with the time provided today and changed my topic to one with better resources but that I still believe in and would want to write about. I actually remembered that its my life not a test so questions are a good thing. As I said silly common sense things, but they give me hope. Its silly. That thought hope makes me smile and cry at the same time. I have cursed hope and tried to crush it. Alternately cherished it and hated it. Hope was the thing burried in my soul that kept me alive, that kept me from suiciding when I wanted escape. But now it means even more than that. Nels told me that for the struggle and the gift of my life, whenever we have our first daughter he wants to name her Hope. On that note I have nothing much left to say right now. Just that I love Nels so much it makes my heart feel like it would burst. I wish that I could share my happiness and love with everyone. love and *huggles*