(no subject)
this summer has been... interesting. it was my third p2p trip, and it was definetly different. while i was gone i kept think how i should be home... spending time with my family and friends.. life is too short to just leave them like this. i felt guilty for most of the trip...i met some really cool kids, and instead of hanging out with my friends from home when i got back, i spent more time with them. like three weeks wasn't enough. a lot of people i know and love are going off to college and it almost scares me.. that will be me next year. going somewhere different, outside of my comfort zone. exciting, but terrifying. i met some people, that i feel have changed me... for the better definetly. i feel like i dont have to be fake around them, i can jsut be myself and its okay. they are fun to be around, and i like that i can be MYSELF. not some kid who's in "the group" because she's friends with steph and sara. i am sick of it. i'm sorry i'm not a fucking genius... i'm sorry im not in the top 10. i'm sorry that i'm not perfect in your eyes. but i'm not sorry for being me. i like you guys and all, but im sick of you excluding me... fuck all of you. i'm not going to pretend to be your friend anymore, i'm not going to pretend to be some goody-to-shoes for you. i'm not going to pretend that i agree with you. i'm not going to sit there with you and rip people apart for things that they have done.. in their PERSONAL lives.. i regret to inform you, it's NONE of your business. who cares if people drink, or smoke, or whatever it is that they do. it's their lives. so stfu. dance starts soon. yippeee... not really. i miss it.. but i hate the drama. i DONT want to take tap, no offense, but i dont want to be in that class... i love all of you girls, but i dont. and i talked to meredith the other day, and i realized how much i miss her. for awhile, she was the only person in my life that i really talked to... and wheni didnt talk to her for awhile, it sucked. she is an amazing person, and i miss ehr so much. noone cares quite like she does. and then there's this girl MEGHAN SCHNIEDER. my lovely. i miss her so fucking much.. and i cant believe she's going to college. and i might not ever see her again. i know that i haven't been a good friend, i should have called, i should have imed you, emailed you whatever.. im sorry meghan.. i love you. we've drifted too far apart, and its all my fault.
Just when i meet people that are in my opinion the best, i lose control, and lose them. then i just crawl back to the people that really don't like me for me. i have met so many great people, but i just don't hold on. i guess it's hard to hold on to the people that are amazing, if they're just too far away and you don't mean as much to them as they mean to you. I hate the feeling of liking a person and feeling like they don't know you exist. I met a boy, that on my worst day possible could make me happy... All night i couldn't sleep, i was miserable in the morning, and i was dreading the day... he smiled and it made it better.
I feel like on the trip in europe, i really found the kids that cared. after i fell and couldnt walk fast, there were the kids that walked away, and the ones that stayed and cared. <3. to be honest, i wasnt really friends with kamos, evanna or cody on the trip... but they are the ones that ive been hanging out with.. they're the most fun. they make me smile. hanging out with them, makes me almost jealous.. jealous of their friends for getting to be with them. i'm going to miss kamos and cody when they go to college. it definetly wont be the same. not that i see them all the time, but it will still be different. i'm dreading senior year, eventhough everyone tells me its the best yet. but then i think about how none of them know my friends, how much they hold me back. i'm so sick of it... i just want to move on, but i have noone else. my friends from school would NEVER party on a rooftop in greece, or have a hangover on an airplane, or buy alcohol in a foreign country, or throw a heineken bottle into a pool, go skinny dipping at 2 in the morning, watch harry potter and make it dirty, or molest you jokingly. they dont drink, they dont like people that drink, they dont understand being a kid. they all act like they're 30... and they're still 17, 16 in some cases. i just want to skip my senior year, and get out of here. i need to move on from this town.. this time in my life. i keep saying that i dont want to grow up, that i'm scared for college, but I'm just in need of a change. more than ever.
Just when i meet people that are in my opinion the best, i lose control, and lose them. then i just crawl back to the people that really don't like me for me. i have met so many great people, but i just don't hold on. i guess it's hard to hold on to the people that are amazing, if they're just too far away and you don't mean as much to them as they mean to you. I hate the feeling of liking a person and feeling like they don't know you exist. I met a boy, that on my worst day possible could make me happy... All night i couldn't sleep, i was miserable in the morning, and i was dreading the day... he smiled and it made it better.
I feel like on the trip in europe, i really found the kids that cared. after i fell and couldnt walk fast, there were the kids that walked away, and the ones that stayed and cared. <3. to be honest, i wasnt really friends with kamos, evanna or cody on the trip... but they are the ones that ive been hanging out with.. they're the most fun. they make me smile. hanging out with them, makes me almost jealous.. jealous of their friends for getting to be with them. i'm going to miss kamos and cody when they go to college. it definetly wont be the same. not that i see them all the time, but it will still be different. i'm dreading senior year, eventhough everyone tells me its the best yet. but then i think about how none of them know my friends, how much they hold me back. i'm so sick of it... i just want to move on, but i have noone else. my friends from school would NEVER party on a rooftop in greece, or have a hangover on an airplane, or buy alcohol in a foreign country, or throw a heineken bottle into a pool, go skinny dipping at 2 in the morning, watch harry potter and make it dirty, or molest you jokingly. they dont drink, they dont like people that drink, they dont understand being a kid. they all act like they're 30... and they're still 17, 16 in some cases. i just want to skip my senior year, and get out of here. i need to move on from this town.. this time in my life. i keep saying that i dont want to grow up, that i'm scared for college, but I'm just in need of a change. more than ever.