(no subject)
This year, I've actually let myself feel the things I've always repressed. One would think that that would make me a better person. But it hasn't. It has made me a bitch. I never realized just quite how angry I was at the world until I could really look at my life. It's seems weird for me to say that I had be hiding behind a facade, because I certinatly didn't have a "tough guy" persona. I hid behind this passivity, when, as my family knows so well, I am a really pushy, stubburn, and defensive person, and I don't let go of things easily. I think if I had had the courage to deal with the little things back then, I wouldn't be where I am now. But the truth is, I'm still angry about all of those little things. People not noticing I was in their class for half the year. Being the one who was asked to be parteners with someone difficult, because they knew I wouldn't show my frustration. Friends who wanted my support, but didn't want to return it. The thing is, now I react really strongly to everything that reminds me of that stuff. Like how I get so angry when people call me quiet. I know its not an insult, but it hurts more then most insults would. And even the whole Gage thing, that is so hard for me to let go of. I think part of the reason it bothered me so much was that he delt with his feelings (or lack there of) for me in a really passive way. Even though it would have hurt more in the moment, it would have been much better if after our first date he had said that he just didn't feel that type of conection with me, and he didn't want to lead me on. Because I knew that, even if I tried to tell convince my self otherwise. I'm still really angry at him for that, and at myself for not being able to let it go. He's someone whom I would truly love to be better freinds with, but we are not going to be closer to eachother untill I can deal not only with that, but with everything. It makes it hard for me to be anji's friend also, which is totally ridiculous, because she had nothing to do with any of it. I can tell myself that all the anger I feel about most of these things in useless. It deals with past people and past places and is just not applicable to anything real. So really, its just there with no outlit, and I don't know what to do.